The ambience at sunrise at Melbourne Beach, Florida.
BORN THIS WAY-2017
The ambience at sunrise at Melbourne Beach, Florida.
BORN THIS WAY-2017
My name is Corey, from the Boston Museum of Science.
BORN THIS WAY-2017
The sun sets upon the weathered pier. Melbourne Beach, Florida.
BORN THIS WAY-2016
You have bashed and gas lighted me daily. I asked you nicely to stop, and it only fed your fire. It is now with the lawyers and I am moving on as this meme completely sums me up and where I am headed. I guess, thank you for teaching me such hard lessons. I will not ever forget them.
BORN THIS WAY-2016
The sun beginning to stir upon the horizon setting the skies aglow with bright brilliant beams of light.
BORN THIS WAY-2016
I am so looking forward to tonight! It has been days since Stephanie and I have been able to be a real couple as we have had my Bella, and we are not anything more than friends with each other when Bella is around.
I had Bella after school until it was time for swim practice and then we headed to the pool and my ex-wife will pick her up at 6 pm and keep her as she hasn’t seen anything of Bella since Sunday really. I love having Bella but it was a lot for Stephanie and I as we had some major talking to do about our lives and last night I sprung it on her about getting engaged this weekend while Bella is away with her swim team to an away meet.
Stephanie and I have texted today which we never do, and we are both extremely excited to talk about the engagement and then moving in together. I sprung this weekend on her last night while Bella was asleep and we haven’t had U-ME time to sit together and talk, although Stephanie definitely wants to get engaged this weekend. If we don’t do it this weekend we would have to wait until New Years Eve and we don’t want our engagement to be New Years Eve. Tomorrow we are out at Bella’s band and chorus holiday concert so tonight is the only time we have to talk about getting engaged this weekend. Stephanie is so excited and so am I-although I have to come up with the engagement setting and plan and surprise Stephanie. I have had the ring in my safe for months now, and I can not wait to give it to her, and see what I hope will be happy tears. I tried really hard in designing this ring to show Stephanie and the world just how much she means to me. I am going for the WOW factor for sure on this one. I am so happy yet scared about getting engaged and getting married again. I am divorced because I wasn’t a good partner although I really tried. I pray I have been through enough therapy to be a great partner and take Stephanie and her needs into consideration always, and know now it is not the same as not being engaged. This changes everything and a lot actually just between Stephanie and I. There is less of just Corey and more of Corey and Stephanie. I have to ask her if I get to keep my study and have a similar space when we move to the ocean. I have really gotten accustomed to the study- I think as long as I can have my study I am fine with whatever else she wants to change and we are not moving into my old bedroom we are moving into the biggest room in the house that is currently empty. I need to call painters tomorrow and see if anyone can paint the room over the weekend while we are away.
I don’t think it makes much sense to try to rush the move although I know she really wants to be here. I have stuff to move to storage and I will be having surgery in the next couple of weeks. We have picked out our bedroom set at Ethan Allen and need to place the order and get it delivered as soon as possible. I think waiting until after the New Year makes the most sense but once we tell my ex wife and Bella my divorce allows for third parties as long as marriage is impending. Meaning, we will be able to be a couple in front of Bella and share a bedroom and all that because we are in engaged. Stephanie knows about this somewhat but I think me spelling it out will really help her with a move in date after the holidays. We will put a rush on our furniture order and we have picked out the colors of our new bedroom and sort of the theme. Stephanie did meet me half way and I don’t feel it is too girlie. I am giving up my room now that is currently all industrial and moving towards more grown up and classy styles with simple and modern lines.
I am making Stephanie stuffed shells I made for Bella last night. I am almost done getting it ready for her and I believe after such late nights and I have a foot appointment with the surgeon tomorrow at 1:30pm so I bet we eat, get ready for bed, and go lay down to talk and talk about our future. I will be very busy tomorrow making plans for our get away and the engagement, going to my doctor’s appointment, and then we have to be at Bella’s school no later than 6:45pm. The concert starts at 7 pm.
I am so looking forward to tonight and have a bottle of Perrier Jouet I will probably open for us to have a celebratory toast to and hold my breath for the next couple of days. I have so much to do, and the engagement is all on me as I would never have it any other way.
I will write all the details after Friday and I know Stephanie will not be reading the blog until we get back either Sunday night or Monday morning. I think we will both want to come home and make phone calls on Sunday night and I have so much with school and with my personal finances to get in order before Tuesday is over for sure.
I hear her now coming into the house and saying hello! I am off to finish her dinner and get ready for a dream I never imagined would come true. I never thought she would like me-never mind, marry me, and I didn’t think I would risk what we had as best friends for the entire package. A year ago my life was so different and I was so unhappy and out of my element with that damn junkie in my life. Those days are long over, and I don’t think about the junkie except for when I think I was with the junkie and now I have this beautiful and brilliant woman who loves me to death and I feel it and know her feelings to be true.
I will be back to write during the maniac’s hours about our night and our plans for the next month or so. I think we are just both over the moon with sharing tonight and making out loose plans for the move , etc.
I will be back within hours and finish this blog. Have a wonderful night and enjoy my friends! *****
Well last night was awesome and Stephanie and I got most of the things we needed to resolved and have a pretty structured plan for the future. She came home and I was finishing up the stuffed shells for her, and she came in where I left off on this post.
We ate dinner and talked right from the get go. She definitely wants to get engaged this weekend if it all a possibility. I can now say after early morning phone calls and making arrangements it is a possibility and is going to happen for sure. I was able to make the plans I was hoping for and just made it by the skin of my teeth. They were very close to being sold out but suites were still available. I can’t say anything more until tomorrow when I know Stephanie is not going to read this.
After dinner, as I called it, we got ready for bed and headed to bed to snuggle and talk about the entire holiday season and our plans. Stephanie agreed although she wishes it were different, that moving in together has to wait until after the New Year. She wanted really badly to be living together before the holidays were over, but we can’t do it and enjoy the holidays, and get the new bedroom hooked up in time. I called painters and I am waiting for a confirmation on getting the room painted this weekend. We have to go to Home Depot after Stephanie gets out of work to pick up the colors and tape for our room. We are using three colors two on the wall and one on the trim around the windows and all the doors. I need to tape the design and hopefully one of the painters can drop by tomorrow so I can explain what should be painted with the right color. The design is pretty cool, I have done a lot of them from straight bands to complicated designs in Bella’s room here. I will tape it tonight after the concert and Stephanie says she wants to watch and learn how to do it. It should be really easy for the painters, as the tape guides them completely with the design.
I am so psyched I was able to get the plans I wanted for this weekend. I know it isn’t a surprise but Stephanie will be surprised with the plan and the events and hopefully blown away with the ring. I can’t forget the ring! I am now all set with my calls, and after the painters call back everything will be in place for this weekend. I called to order the bedroom set and it will be available for delivery and set up in ten days. Everything is moving along just really well.
I need to leave the house at 12:30pm for my surgeon’s appointment for my bunion on my right foot. Right now I am awaiting a surgery date on my right hand so the surgeon can fuse my thumb joint. He told me this would not be pleasant so hopefully I will take my pain medication and not be too miserable.
Just got a call and my appointment today has been rescheduled which given the impending surgery on my right thumb isn’t a bad thing. I just rescheduled it for the New Year as I will still be coming out of the fusion surgery with my thumb. I have to get as much Christmas stuff done as soon as possible because I will be probably having my surgery around the middle of this month.
Okay was cleaning out my bedroom closet while Stephanie was at work because I knew I had thrown stuff in there but I wasn’t sure what or whom it belongs to…..I found amongst other miscellaneous items that don’t belong to me three size 34C bras-obviously not mine and I know not Stephanie’s. What was I thinking? I wasn’t obviously. I used to keep a bra as a souvenir but that was a long time ago. I have purposefully kept one vodka bottle in a burlap bag with one red hot bra 34D and I do know whom that belongs to and that is why I kept it-I did show it to Stephanie and told her the whole story but really I don’t think she needs to see or find these meaningless bras in my closet. I have a pictorial collection from a playboy centerfold I dated that are all signed with messages to me….Stephanie isn’t happy about it but I think for now if I put it into storage I will at least buy some time to come to terms with giving it up-it is just the fact that I dated a playboy centerfold and as I write I realize how seriously ridiculous I am and at forty I need to grow up. I really get it but I just turned forty so a little bit of a break, no?
Stephanie and I are going to rent a storage unit and before I have my surgery move the things out of my place that are going to storage. Since Stephanie is putting most of her stuff in storage she will have movers do it and can bring the rest over I believe without much help. The painters are coming this weekend while we are away, and the furniture sans mattress will be here in a little over a week. We have to pick out and shop for a new queen size mattress that will fit up flights of stairs. I am glad I took a once over look at my room and spared poor Stephanie the angst of bras I don’t even know whom they belong to which makes the bras even more of a problem for me really! Omg, I will tell her about them tonight as we keep no secrets and well yes she does read my blogs I think. That is not the only reason I am telling her-I think it is her right to know but I am really glad she didn’t find them and I was able to toss them. Somethings still sting and I was not easy for Stephanie when I was out being crazy with God knows who and since none of them matter at all-not even a friendship I want to salvage as it was just plain bad fun and I am in love, getting engaged and moving in with my fiancée really soon.
I am already dressed for tonight’s concert and I have khakis on with a gray cashmere sweater with my safety pin for any of you in the know. If you don’t know about wearing a safety pin I am pretty sure you don’t need to know because those who know, know its importance……
I have lit my afternoon candle and put electric candles in the windows in the kitchen. I am just needing to finish eating my leftover shells and take care of Julia Bleu who will be very surprised when I leave her tonight.
Well that is all the 411 on U-ME. I had a very productive day and I will post this as I am not sure how much blogging I will get in between tomorrow and Sunday. I will be asking Stephanie to be my wife for life. I pray with my heart she says yes and makes my dream come true. She is such a stellar and beautiful woman from the outside to the inside. Feeling very blessed this holiday season. Looking forward to the concert tonight where there will be sing a long carols which we both love.
BORN THIS WAY-2016
I mentioned some turmoil in Australia I was dealing with so I guess now is the perfect time to get into it.
Let me first say, that a person who thought they could hurt me and get way with it was in for couple of surprises. The first is, they got caught. The second is predictable, since they got caught breaking the rules to be a friend in my life as well as many others, they have turned psychotic mad against me, and besides their illnesses not managed very well, their paranoia is at an all time high and ideas I never conjured up are spewing from their lips as they are so mad they got caught, and the best news of giving them back the play by play on my life hasn’t even begun.
I am glad we are located so far apart so I don’t worry about the safety of myself, along with my loved ones.
I have slowly but surely been pulling away from this person after I got indications in November things were as I suspected; were not on the up and up. I am not one for confrontation or scenes, and this person made every day into a scene and they were completely miserable in the process. I am waiting on my friends in NYC who are white collar hackers, to get in touch with me with the final details.
It is a sad tale of what I considered a true friendship gone down the drain and especially during the holidays. I am completely wrapped up in my family and real friends and my biggest priority, Bella, my daughter. I haven’t heard a word since this person saw I had blocked them in every way imaginable when in fact we were very close. I thought it just wasn’t with the pure intentions I prayed for and needed.
With my engagement to Stephanie coming this weekend and lots to do to get ready, I really don’t have the time or energy to do into sordid details about another guy who posed as a girl and completely fell on their face when I confronted them about my issues of them cyber-stalking me and searching all over the entire internet for me in some of the weirdest places. I hire white collar hackers in NYC to watch my name and searches and all my public sites as well as private sites as well. I told my then friend about them as a fair warning because so many people have no lives and try as they may, they try to live vicariously through others like me. Being a former trader and current blogger and contributor in other places, I need to be watched for any cyber-stalking or yet even worse. This person living in the wild West of Australia took to hiding their IP address and running searches on me as they thought the people in NYC would be thrown off by that-I felt really bad for this person as life is not easy they say, but they make no attempts to work, regardless of the pay. They have a nine year old son who is at school for like 6 hours a day, and my friend claims he needs to be there for their child after school. I was a stay at home parent and the costs of doing so were high but we wanted to home school our child at least through third grade.
My attention to this matter is still in my head awaiting more detailed details from my friends in NYC. In the mean time I haven’t mentioned it to Stephanie, as she would be very upset and probably would not so nicely reach out to this fraud, who I truly believe was after my cash on what they believed were naïve shoulders of mine. I saw and lived through the set-up of his story and started to ask questions about their situation and again why they weren’t working. It was one convoluted story after the other and the bottom line is they had no legitimate reason for not working and dealing with their very high amount of debt, while continuing to shop at the jeweler’s and take out a line of credit because they haven’t gotten to the place where the house is put into foreclosure and the car is not paid for yet as well. Why do people feel they don’t have to pay back debt and not work because unlike every other parent they won’t or can’t work because of their nine year old child who is on his own a lot of the time and as I just found out they do not share meals properly at a fixed table for the meals they eat at home. I have no idea what this person is doing and what is the truth, however, I do know now they are aware I will find out what they have been doing: searching on me, and why? My take is it is the bigger money issue. He just told me how much he needs a month to live comfortably. Once I got that figure out of him, and knowing that was his ultimate destination with me was, the news of activity against me from Western Australia was a dead give away to cut ties and let dead dogs lie. What I once saw as a true and real friendship, I began to see it for what it was, a great big set-up on his part to create a sad enough story when we had gotten supposedly so close that I wouldn’t be able to not help them out. He underestimated a lot about me and the company doing internet work for me in NYC, and it boils down to a couple of things: mental illness that is not treated and plain lack of intelligence on their part. Thankfully he wasn’t smarter and I was able to figure things out more clearly.
I am done with any sort of friendship like situation on Facebook. I have my friends on-line, and my group Rainbow Nation, both of which are very important to me. He was the last person I am investing in besides my on-line friends already that I know don’t know me well enough to ask for money or tell me such sad stories I can’t say no to them.
I am just waiting on NYC to put together the personal information and then I will handle it with the authorities. I don’t mess around with my privacy especially if you posed as a dear friend to me.
I wanted to get this open and share my near collision with a set-up by a con man I mistakenly fall for so harmlessly in the beginning. I knew better and was always prepared that if money was asked for, I was high-tailing it out of there. Didn’t quite get there but I think his plan was bigger than I realized and I am so grateful to God as I was sending a big package for him and his son for the holidays. I am glad NYC got in touch with me on Sunday to inform me of strange activity. After the great news about my tumor, I am so looking forward to the holidays and now I have no worries about being hijacked or hacked. My mind was hijacked and hacked but my personal assets were left secure as they always are and will remain that way thanks to my friends in NYC.
This is to show all my readers that friends don’t ask friends for money ever. Friendship is not to be abused like a bank and you should never be in the position of having to appropriately say no to something so inappropriate. I always write to share. This was not a fun post to write but I hope it helps some people who might find themselves in similar situations. Now to blog about Stephanie and I!
BORN THIS WAY-2016
It is Sunday morning and I am up for the day without anyone else and having spent the maniac’s hours blogging on panoply. I am up with almost a mere 24 hours until my appointment with the hand surgeon.
As I called it right, and knew myself this has been a weekend of getting through until my appointment on Monday at 11:10 am.
I am okay with the healing of my finger although it hasn’t healed all the way or very fast. My surgery will be two weeks on Thursday, and the stitches are still in there, not dissolved, and my incision is not all the way healed and remains a deep purple color without any signs of infection.
I told the doctor and his assistant that when they originally had a problem with my length with stitches, I told them I wasn’t a fast healer and with my previous surgery I still needed butterfly strips to close up a part of the incision after the normal time had passed to get the stitches out.
Last night was low key with Stephanie and Bella. Bella was exhausted from swim practice and Stephanie was concerned with me and my fixation on Monday and the impending pathology results.
I looked up the WBFF and couldn’t find any results and my friends didn’t post pictures like they did last month at their last competition, so I don’t think things went as well as probably planned as I know one of my friends was hoping for a PRO card. I don’t think she got it as there was no mention of the competition late last night or early this morning.
I am certain if any of them had received the elusive PRO card it would have been on the Internet last night, with celebration and pictures to boot.
I am worried with nobody posting if there was a bad performance overall or if people were just too tired although that wasn’t the case in November when everyone did so well.
Coaches posted, teammates posted, and individuals posted the night of the show and all day the following Sunday after the show. I think people were tired with back to back shows and I was talking to a friend of mine who isn’t into training for the WBFF and she said she never heard of doing two back to back shows without some recovery time like was the case yesterday and last night. Maybe my friends were overly ambitious and it didn’t work out well or for some reason they are tired after the show, but again, this wasn’t the case last show in November.
I saw where one girl from the area made her PRO status so people did make PRO, just not my friends I guess. I am so happy I am not so sucked into this training game where people are now going into the holidays, and probably disappointed for all their hard work, and effort and nothing like a top three finish or a PRO card. I wouldn’t want to be any of these people as they are insane with their training and then have to deal with major disappointments and setbacks like last night.
We are going into the holidays, and I wouldn’t want anything that could wreck them or but a damper on them in anyway.
Stephanie and I did a lot of talking last night and we are busy trying to figure out when to get engaged and when to make the jump to living together. I think we are heading for a New Year’s engagement with moving in together in January, before I had to Washington and before I return to school for spring semester the middle of January.
Christmas eve is three weeks from today and the countdown to Christmas is underway. I am getting ready to do my holidays, which for me is a handful of family and friends with my emphasis on Bella and Stephanie as well as my ex-wife and my parents. I do have a gift for my sister, and I give gifts out to others, but my circle is quite closed and it remains that way for a reason. I do a lot for the people in my life, again with my emphasis on Bella naturally. I need to get the gifts mailed by the 15th of December to my parents and sister, and a box off to Australia before the end of the day tomorrow.
I will be shopping for Stephanie right up till Christmas Eve and I will be doing the same for Bella although I have to coordinate things with my ex wife. Bella has a holiday concert for band and chorus on Thursday evening at the school. I enjoy going as it has become part of the holiday tradition and seeing her play the saxophone is a rarity since it is usually the violin we are watching. There will be Christmas carols for this and Stephanie and I will both get dressed up although vastly different for the night.
I spent the greater part of today with Bella and then we all went to the movies before bringing her back to my ex wife. I will have her Tuesday and Wednesday, just needed a break tonight with tomorrow morning’s appointment really on my mind. It was a weekend of survival so to speak and with Stephanie’s help I made it and will make it until tomorrow at 11:10. I am getting up really early tomorrow morning to go to Portsmouth for when Rite Aide, my pharmacy, opens at 8am. I have prescriptions to be filled and my prescription shakes to pick up and then will go directly to my hand surgeon for 11:00 am as my appointment is at 11:10 am. I am going solo and will call or text Stephanie right away with whatever I find out and then call my ex-wife and my parents who will be waiting to hear from me.
I didn’t make it to the gym today as planned. Neither Stephanie nor I were highly motivated and we got the rest of the Florida laundry washed and dried now just need to fold what is on the guest bed and call it done! After the non-response of my fitness addict friends to their competition last night where it looks like many were disappointed with all their hard work and no high finishers or PRO cards I thought it was perfectly okay not to go to the gym and kill myself when I could share the morning with Stephanie and get things accomplished here. Bella mentioned going back to the gym since I am paying for her, and I think we will try to get there this week. I will go on my own as well, but I am super bummed my friends are all MIA today, because of a contest that didn’t go their way. Granted I have no idea how much time or energy they put into their prep for this show, but it is such a lousy time of year to be bummed personally or with a finish that wasn’t what they anticipated. I know my closest friend was really expecting a PRO card and that clearly didn’t happen. I will give them space today, and reach out to my closest friends tomorrow. It is so weird that there is a group of them involved with this insane training and lifestyle built solely around the gym and working out. I think I want to get a spinning bike for home. Stephanie and I have talked about it and we have a space for it we both agreed on, so after the New Year I am going to purchase one and if Stephanie or Bella want to use it they can. As I come back from my fall, spinning is one of the only exercises I can do that I enjoy. I belong to another gym that has spinning classes and I might start doing that as I am far from being anywhere near able to run or walk a serious distance or pace.
I light a candle every night in the late afternoon and there is one burning for the second day. I think Stephanie and I might put up some Christmas lights in the kitchen for starters, and get candles that plug in for all the windows. I love the ambience of the white lights in the house at night. So very excited to have the holidays with Stephanie and be so close to getting engaged and moving in together. I really haven’t been caught up with my appointment tomorrow as today has been a great full day and with really pushing to get the laundry done and suitcases all away, I haven’t had much time to dwell. I think about tomorrow and heading to Portsmouth at 7 am and finally getting really close to my appointment where I will be nervous about seeing the doctor, but I will not let myself get stressed out or torture myself or Stephanie this evening. I need to keep everything in perspective and be very grateful for all my blessings and abundance. Nothing like watching others have a bad time of it and derail over their happiness because their competition didn’t go well. I don’t want to be like that-these holidays are important to everyone around me, and no matter what happens tomorrow I am not tanking the holidays at all. Life is too short and I am too blessed to let myself get down, and I watch daily a friend suffer with Bipolar and it is so hard for them and half the time they are really down, and then they never know what will depress them more or change their happiness. I am so very grateful for my happiness and constant state of being happy. It is nothing to take lightly as many people I know are not really happy people. Life can’t be like that for me-I am too up and too forward motion to let anything bring me down. Sure I need to adjust my sails from time to time but nothing really major and I do not dwell. I have a friend who has some injuries and not comparing but my injuries are a lot more and I have had them a lot longer, yet my friend gets really down about them and I will not let anything change my game or snuff my mental edge out. I realize what a gift it is to perhaps have pure mania even though I have to deal with the constant fire that burns out of control. I don’t get caught up in it ever-and I will not spend my time being ungrateful for my life and all that I have and all that I share with those I love and my daughter, Bella. The holidays are very special to me, and two years ago I was at rock bottom with anorexia. Now I am coming back, and even though I got seriously injured I am still so grateful, and will definitely make the gym a priority tomorrow.
Tonight, Stephanie and I have made an awesome Sunday dinner, and we are going to finish up that laundry and get some holiday lights hung. Then we can really relax and call it a weekend, as the white lights set the house a glow and the spirit of the holidays is right ahead of us. Maybe we should have a bit of a celebration with Perrier Jouet champagne. It is time to really be grateful and spend our night close watching a movie or just reading together. Feeling very blessed and very grateful. I will get through my appointment tomorrow and I know tonight I will talk some more to Stephanie about it. Time to hang lights and pop the cork! Christmas and New Years are very special to us and we will really make an effort to celebrate and be grateful together. What a difference one year makes. I don’t even want to go there but I need to; one year was the junkie who is so long gone I couldn’t be any more grateful for anything than that-my life is so back on track and without all the crap of a year ago. Stephanie and I are finally together as we should be and that is the best Christmas present either of us could ask for this year!
BORN THIS WAY-2016
It is Saturday and Mania Madness is running wild through my under medicated mind and body.
I feel like I am naked in black socks or are white socks worse? I have spent the morning spinning my wheels as I try to gather up all the Slack.com info and manage Rainbow Nation for its first organizational call on Monday evening.
I am under the weather and Stephanie is well aware of it as I am not taking all my Adderall to combat the Mania Madness because I feel a bit edgy and nerved up about my Monday morning appointment with the hand surgeon. I have done pretty well at keeping it all together and managing the affects of the unknowns which currently reside littered all throughout my existence.
I have a lot in my life that is not nailed down at the current moment and with that is a huge vat of uneasiness and racing thoughts I am not equipped to manage without my proper dosage of Adderall but will forgo to compensate for the lack of stillness that eludes my mind and body in its current state.
I am so #AMPED UP and #HECTIC as I make my way through Saturday and get ready to go out and see my daughter, Bella, who is working hard this weekend to get all of her schoolwork and violin done by Sunday night. Stephanie and I are taking Bella out to her favorite restaurant with my ex-wife in just a little bit. I am so far from hungry and will do my best to order something and push it around to make a good impression.
I am looking forward to the WBFF fitness competition in Atlantic City tonight as I have friends competing and a bet with a friend that she will get her PRO status.
I am far from being in any type of shape, but tomorrow Stephanie and I head to the gym for some light weights and cardio. Having been a full-scholarship division I basketball player who turned to Buff obstacle course racing I am used to having a lean, strong and fast body that all my anorexia wasted away to thin air. The comeback is from point 1 and will be made in baby steps. However I have the gym membership, I have some of my body not affected by injuries, and I have Stephanie who is rooting for me to start with where I am and go forward at whatever pace or place I am. I have already gone to the gym with Bella, and I have gone with myself and both times I over did it and tried to do too much and make up for two years of anorexia and sickness, and six months of injuries. I just can’t do it like that-humble pie is in order and I will gladly pick up my fork today in readiness for tomorrow and a new fitness regime that Stephanie and I can embark on together. I will live vicariously through my friends competing at the WBFF and I know that is not where I am heading or aspire to go. The WBFF is like the Victoria Secret of body building and combines a beauty contest within it. Some of the girls are inspiring and some of their stories are pure heart breakers and motivators that I feed off of so easily.
My ex wife always told me, prior to getting sick with anorexia, that given my genetics and body type, I only needed 6 weeks in the gym to transform my body into a lean mean lanky machine. It is different now with the anorexia as I have lost my natural core of a great body, and my naturally muscular body has been eaten up by the anorexia demons and I must start at a position I do not recognize; that of a scrawny light-weight with no real hard-core. Gone is the confidence and bad-ass behavior as well. I will not be meek or weak, I will walk into the gym tomorrow with Stephanie and slowly take my new place at position number 1 and start as slowly as I need to get through 15 to 20 minutes of cardio (preferably spinning) and move on super slowly to the weights where nothing is like it was before for me, and I will start some exercises with just the bar, or my own body weight, and forget the massive 100 rep sets I would do for a really good burn, and try to get to 20 reps and 2 -3 sets per exercise. Humbling doesn’t begin to describe the feeling I have when I realized how I had lost everything to anorexia. However I didn’t lose me, nor did I lose my fire or desire to be the best-that wasn’t robbed from me, and if it was I have already gotten the fire and desire back. Time, and constancy are what I need to build back a base that may one day run or do obstacle racing again. Tomorrow with Stephanie it is about starting wherever I truly am, measuring it correctly, and building a plan for success from that point and none other. I can’t undo the anorexia, the core body I had is gone, and I don’t know if my genes can help me in the future build back a body I am confident in, and feel strong again. Feeling strong is something I haven’t felt for a couple of years. I will not feel it tomorrow or any day soon. Hopefully, after feeding off the inspiration of my friends competing in the WBFF this weekend, and seeing their bodies and how they built what they have, I will turn inward and build my own version of me 2.0. I am so grateful to Stephanie for getting me to wrap my head around the gym again, and not looking at it like it is insurmountable-I got this, if I take it step by step, one day and one moment at a time.
Tonight I will watch to see my friends pictures and read about their results of some hard work and dedication I am not interested in replicating. It is almost like an addiction my friends’ workouts and training have become, and their entire lives and everything they are is built around the gym, working out, and living and breathing nothing but the world of fitness. I am happy for them, but it will never be me, as it never was me. I am too well-rounded, and can’t do just one thing, so I will eat my humble pie and go at it slowly and methodically but not driven to distraction like I am about other passions in my life.
Tonight Bella and I along with Stephanie will hang in and watch some shows on Amazon Prime. It is getting cold and Bella is tired and not looking forward to her upcoming swim meet, so we will focus ourselves on getting lost in a way that takes us away from the pool, and all the school work she has to do. She has practice tonight at 5pm and it will be a neck breaker. She will hurt and it will not be fun, as these days are trying for both of us right now for different reasons. Bella so doesn’t want to go to this upcoming swim meet but she has to do it. I have got to deal with my own realities and my appointment on Monday morning where the news is still eluding me, and I can’t think about much else other than that appointment and what might come out of it. Times are hard, and nobody said this would be easy, but I am coming back ever so slowly from the anorexia and every so slowly from the injuries. I didn’t see the growth in my finger coming and neither did my surgeon. He blew it off, and it just won’t go away. So, we dealt with it as head-on as we could. We attacked it surgically, and now somewhere there is a pathology report with some information about my growth on it. I will get this sorted out for starters on Monday. The pathology report will be read to me and from there, and only there I will make the next move. If there is any doubt or question about the integrity of the growth I will be heading straight to Boston to deal with this head-on. I made that much of a decision today with Stephanie, and it is part of the reason I am not taking my Adderall and remain on fire with Mania Madness. Without the Adderall it is not an easy day for me or anybody around me.
I am looking forward to making today count, but also making today go by so I can get through tomorrow and let Monday get here so I can finally get to my appointment and the answers that elude me. I will not have all the information on Monday either way, and if everything is okay and it has been taken care of, then my conversation with the surgeon takes a different direction and we jump right into fusing my right thumb before the holidays arrive. I need not a second opinion on this, as I feel like my OT therapist fully explained why fusing my upper thumb joint makes sense and will give me functionality I haven’t had with this thumb. I hope my surgeon is ready to go that way if we are free to concentrate about my thumb after we get through the closure of my tumor surgery.
I am so naked right now, and raw, in a way that only I can get and nobody quite understands. I have thrown myself into prepping for my Rainbow Nation meeting on Monday night. No matter what, I will make it to Monday night and I purposefully set up our first organizational meeting for Rainbow Nation for Monday night no matter what the early part of the day brings.
I am going to get Bella off to practice and spend some time taking with Stephanie about us, and our impending engagement and what that looks like with the holidays and the ensuing moving in together after the engagement. I think we both want to be engaged already and it would be so awesome if we were already living together. However, I took us on a detour, and here we are. I know I am excited about the engagement and moving in together as well as the holidays just weeks away. I don’t know what we should do time wise with getting engaged and moving in. I know Stephanie has some strong thoughts and I want to respect them and honor them as much as possible.
I am thinking about my baby Bella and her mind and body which is tired and not into tonight’s practice. She is strong, and she will make it through, and we will all be together tonight to watch some shows and relax our minds. Stephanie will make sure we are both equally distracted, and I will be closer to sleep, and the freeing of my stresses that comes with sleep.
I am naked in black socks, but I am not out in the wind or rain. I am here, at my home, in my comfort zone with my girl and my pug, and my daughter…..what more could I ask for you say? May I please have my fleece pajamas to put on and I will quickly change my black socks and put on my usual colors….just give me a minute to get dressed. Yes, I feel really naked but I am not embarrassed or ashamed. It is what it is-I am realizing this perspective more and more……
BORN THIS WAY-2016
I have managed to get this far since my surgery without thinking about my follow-up surgery appointment on Monday at 11:10 am.
Now I am thinking a lot about my tumor and what the doctor might say or what might be on Monday when I see the doctor.
I have had a couple of weeks away and didn’t think about the thoughts which dance in my head at this time and I believe will be in head somewhat through Monday when I see the doctor. I knew when I had the surgery after the doctor told me he didn’t know what was in my hand that I might have a cancerous tumor on my left ring finger that has been on my hand for at least 18 months.
The thoughts have been brewing today and I know that they will stick with me through this weekend until Monday gets here and I get notice of either yes it is cancer or no it is benign.
I have talked with Stephanie and I have thought about what might lay in front of me, but I honestly haven’t a clue. I had given some thought to the fact that I didn’t get a call telling me that the growth was benign and I have alternatively thought and pondered the fact I didn’t receive a phone call telling me it was cancer either.
I have spoken to Stephanie who is home with me and will be here through Monday morning when she goes to work and I head out to the surgeon’s office on my own as I choose, to meet with the doctor and get whatever details the doctor is privy to.
Stephanie has made herself available to me today or anytime this weekend as well as Monday. I have told her as late as today that Monday is something I really need to do on my own. I have made it clear that my appointment on Monday is something I need to attend to on my own. Not only that but I need to meet with the doctor on my own and have a private discussion with him without anyone else being there with me to hear the news on my future perhaps, or maybe not.
It boils down to fate and my destiny perhaps or maybe it isn’t depending altogether on the news that might come out on Monday morning.
I always know my life is changing and anything is always possible, but Monday is a day that tosses everything into the air perhaps and I might end up with undesirable news I might have to contemplate or maybe not. It is all maybe or maybe not and this weekend is all up in the air with the ultimate unknown and the burden of what might be or wont be come late Monday morning after the doctor deals me either a pass or a go to jail and game changer card.
I am edgy and uptight about what I am not quite sure about and the unnecessary uncertainty of the next few days until my doctor sheds light on my situation at my appointment Monday morning.
My goals right now are to focus with Stephanie on getting past the uncertainty and letting things ride without much forethought into what may be a game changer or might be a great day of reprieve from the caustic nature of my uncertainty and my life as it might be changed. Regardless, I can choose to rewind myself and my mind so that regardless of the news on Monday I am not tossed into a storm of proportions which are greater than any news I might receive.
My life will be whatever I decide if my mind is strong enough to remain determined in my spirituality of unwavering faith and Divine Intervention. My spirituality is in need of some examination this weekend regardless of anything else I might decide to do or let myself worry about in the big scheme of the Divine and sacred life that I choose everyday in finding the sacred in the ordinary. A little post from that blog in my mindset I need to adopt before the night is over might not be a bad move for myself and those I love and will be spending time with this weekend. My sweet and brilliant Stephanie is ready to support me in any capacity I desire and I know her faith is strong and that I should probably call it game over now, because with my faith in the sacred in the ordinary it matters very little about the news I might get on Monday and that is where I must remain focused and determined to stay this weekend and after my appointment on Monday.
My life can not be so precarious that some news from a doctor on Monday derails me or puts my upcoming weekend into a tailspin with the devil so to speak because it is only through pure evil that my destiny and my fate can be so altered in one day, in one appointment that I can unravel in such an unhealthy way. I wear my cross and have my beliefs for a specific reason with determination not necessary for me to be okay and well with myself and with the Universe.
Stephanie deserves the credit for this post on what might be, and the thoughtfulness she put forth with me in setting me straight and not letting myself become a prisoner to my mind or thoughts on this weekend or on Monday or any other day where I deem it might be significant. I will never be ready or sure of any moment that alters the course of that which I know and believe and my beliefs are much stronger than any uncertainty and false worry I might fall captive to in the wake of a little operation with a report outstanding that on its own is not reflective of my fate or destiny.
I am once again grateful to my God and my Faith as well as to Stephanie for setting in motion positive vibes and useful thought processes that make Monday a day with an outstanding report which regardless of the news would need additional follow up and intervention from the medical establishment at best and at worst if I truly think about that which I believe and hold true in my heart.
Wow, feeling really good and like this post was a game changer and one necessary for myself and my overall well-being in my overall general Faith. It is important to check in with ourselves whether we have a Monday appointment or not honestly……..
BORN THIS WAY-2016