Red Pill, Blue Pill

With all that is going on with my Pace Oddity of my brain I can’t help along with Stephanie to turn to pills to look for an answer.

I did sleep two hours last night so the idea of Mania Madness is really gone by the way side and in my opinion been replaced with the odd pace of my fiery brain and the clusters and clumps of thoughts spewing out of it like lava in an active volcano.

I am hopefully the neurologist at John Hopkins who we left a message with last night, calls back on Monday.

Stephanie and I tried to have a relaxing night last night but my head would not quiet down even for a second.

The incomprehensible thoughts that were rapid firing shooting out of my head started to make sense so I think acclimation is possible.

Today I know my thoughts are just as quick and I am on them with no way to write them down at the pace they are coming. When I get a really interesting thought, I suspend the rest of my brain from discerning the other thoughts and get the great thought down on paper.

The thoughts are not always random. This morning as I prepare to write more of my anorexia story my thoughts and crazy concepts revolve around that. I wonder if I have any control over the content of the thought?

Right now it is very overwhelming but a relief it is not Mania Madness. I would rather have my brain #AMP itself to a new level that I and others have to get accustomed to than have Mania Madness that is so debilitating.

I will not after yesterday try to hyper-focus my brain on any one thing, except anorexia when I write. I wonder if my brain can hyper-focus in thought but not in action like at the gym yesterday.

I am a bit psyched as only I would be that maybe my mania is getting worse…..I believe I can ultimately keep up with it and it seems only reasonable that I would experience cognitive gains in such a case.

I wish this mania could transcend my writing to a new level but that is not the pathway from which it works. May be my thoughts will be more interesting and yes thoughtful, and maybe I will have an easier time learning and expanding my vocabulary to enhance my writing.

Yesterday something strange happened to me. Oh what now you say? No nothing of the paranormal existence.

I replied to the comments of a girl I really like on Facebook and totally disagreed with her statement. She doesn’t put out much food for thought so there haven’t been instances to really disagree with her. Well I emphatically disagreed with her yesterday and she messaged me that she was glad I wasn’t a sycophant. I was taken back as I like this girl but clearly she doesn’t read and read my comments on many posts where I agree or disagree vehemently and back it up with a tight sound argument. I am very well know in my sphere of 4000 “Friends” as a nice person who is really intelligent and never makes it personal or takes it personal. A sycophant of all things? I couldn’t really dwell on it yesterday but I will respond to her and let her know she doesn’t have a clue as to me and my persona.

Today I am taking Bella to the gym I think and not hyper-focusing! I am writing a lot more of my anorexia story and will see if my mind can lend me a hand with thoughts and ideas I can keep up with.

I am keeping a journal on myself and feelings and how I feel overall. I think this can only help me in the long run. Stephanie and I are going to do some dictionary work and see what my retention rate is now for new vocabulary words and using them in my next writing.

Stephanie has been great, and short of wishing for magic pills for my deformity she has been spot-on with her love and friendship.

I am sort of excited as I don’t know what is going on and thoughts of a debilitating brain disease or brain cancer are not in my purview of thinking.

I am excited about the dictionary and although I am already a speed reader, I am going to read something to see if that too has improved. Sort of hoping now this isn’t going to pass. I see a lot of positives outside the speech arena.

Will let you know about the dictionary and reading I will do this afternoon. Watch out my writing my just be overflowing with a new vocabulary!



Pace Oddity Of My Brain

With today’s new developments in the mania department,  it is of high importance that we get my brain checked out by a neurologist at John Hopkins.

After going to the gym and not being able to hyper-focus and having my mind SCATTERED in all different directions carrying so many thoughts I can’t possibly process I realize this isn’t Mania Madness but an oddity of the pace of my brain.

Stephanie and I are trying to figure out what we can do, but with sleep not being an issue my brain is well over its rpms and I am trying to hold on.

I am not scared and feel that maybe with turning forty my brain is upping the ante and I have just got to get acclimated. I am not in danger, no voices or other worrisome issues, just too much juice cerebrally.

I am taking this in stride as I now there are no medications for this rare disease and I am sleeping which is the dangerous part of all of this. The rest is my accommodation to the newly high-charged, #AMPED brain functions of my demons and gremlins.

It is although every little cell in my brain is on fire producing more and more combustible energy. I feel my brain cells swelling with the hot expansiveness and the additional energy that used to be saved for only Mania Madness.

I have found with Stephanie the neurologist at John Hopkins that treated me before and I put a call into his answering service.

Stephanie keeps tells me my pupils are dilated to the max and she can see me struggling with the obscene amount of copious thoughts and ideas that flood my brain. It is almost like a new language I have to learn. The speed of the thoughts is too fast for me to discern the thoughts and ideas.

I have been sitting quietly trying to make out the thoughts in my brain. I haven’t gotten that far but I realize I will be able to keep up with it soon.

I wonder what this means for me intellectually? Will there be a change? Will I be able to process things quicker, faster, more difficult than before?

I hope tonight that sleep doesn’t elude me. That would be a terrible mess for sure.

Hopefully on Monday I will hear from the neurologist’s office and be able to schedule an appointment really soon.

Stephanie asked me if I felt any pressure in my head, and I said no, not at all. I feel a crowding and congestion of thoughts that I am not actively thinking upon but no pressure what so ever.

I think I am going to take it really easy tonight with Stephanie. I am going to blog on my anorexia story and already many vivid thoughts about it are springing from my brain.

I wonder if this could change my writing? I can not get too excited as this may pass and I might be back to my normal mania.

We are taking a bath to soothe everything and use aromatherapy to calm my insides. I am not the least bit hungry but will work on a yogurt and applesauce.

The energy in my body is getting better. No its not going away, I am just getting more used to it as each hour passes. I am less uncomfortable than I was before and everything is #JACKED up even more.

I am grateful on one hand that this doesn’t appear to be Mania Madness and nervous for what it is honestly.

My brain is like going 80 mph when the speed limit is 55 mph and my new thoughts are passing my brain just the same. If this had come on gradually I would probably be able to keep up with it but that is not the case. It happened yesterday when I deliberately tried to slow my brain down to hyper-focus.

Well I am going to work hard at discerning what my brain is emitting and see if it is going to just take a little time to catch up. I worry a lot about my speech and its pace.

I must took slowly and intentionally. I am looking forward to Monday and hopefully a call back from the neurologist.



Maniacal Musings: Panic Time

Just got done at the gym with Bella, and was less than able to get hyper-focused.

I was unable to keep still in any way-my mind is going at its own pace which I can’t keep up with.

Stephanie and I are home with Bella until 4 pm. Stephanie thinks my Mania Madness is not going away and the zone and the calm were an attempt to rejuvenate the Mania Madness. I have taken my last Adderall for the day so a bit out of luck there.

My appetite has disappeared and I am losing weight and the only positive thing that doesn’t have me at the hospital is that I have been able to get some sleep.

Stephanie and I have talked and I haven’t ever experienced anything like this before and what we are thinking is maybe my overall mania is getting worse and more robust.

I pray this is not the case but with the sleep I am getting it appears to be something else than a spell during the fall.

Stephanie and I are going to look up my old neurologist at John Hopkins tonight and I think I need an emergency visit down there for my mania.

Stephanie is being great and very supportive, and I am sure she loves me more today than yesterday so I don’t fear anything bad coming between us-this is the first thing medically we have discussed and worked out together. I like her thoughts and her composure and her belief in me as a really exceptional person. I have started doubting the exceptional qualities I knew I had and Stephanie is here to remind me I am still on queue and still on my game.

For the utter chaos running through my body and my mind I am able to read, and right now I am watching Braindead and blogging all at the same time with a thousand thoughts dancing in the back of my brain, and making my speech labored and pressured if it is comprehensible at all.

I am working on speaking really deliberately and thinking hyper-focused before I utter a word.

So far all has gone well. The true test was my ex-wife she is not aware of my Mania Madness and she has never missed it without a beat. Getting it by her today and keeping everything on track was huge and really makes me think my Mania is #AMPED and might not be a spell of Madness. What then would Madness look like now? I can’t even begin to think of it and which is why I need to get to John Hopkins and the neurologist.

Stephanie is really looking forward to this evening and spending some time talking some of my symptoms and changes in my mania out.

It is panic time as there is no more medication that I can take other than up my Adderall by one more pill which won’t really help much and isn’t going to touch the gremlins or the demons.

I want to deal with this ASAP and need to figure out all the changes and when it happened and if anything lead up to it or was different.

I know I have been under duress for two weeks but always with a little sleep. This makes it different. I am scared and pray I can handle the changes in my body and mind. They have always been manageable with a few sleep derailments.

I am getting used to this new noise in my head and crazy energy in my body. Maybe I am over reacting and need to let my body and mind reacclimatize the increased Chi I have been experiencing.

I know this is panic time on one level, but might be a waste of time on others.

Tonight Stephanie, my soon to be fiancé and I will look into mania as much as we can and try to track down the neurologist I worked with at Hopkins.

I will not pull the panic lever until I cant keep up with myself. Maybe as I approach forty in almost a week its a time for me body to get #AMPED up to a new level that I can manage.I have been managing it for weeks!

I can at least hope, right?



My Brain Is On Fire……

Although awoke with the gremlins and demons at rest they are back in such a short amount of time, and my brain as a result is on fire.

The fire started with smoke of racing thoughts that I thought were but and parcel of my norm but soon broke out into full blaze with thoughts going faster than I can process and sometimes cam not even comprehend.

I am super fast at responding to my thoughts but this morning all the rest the demons and gremlins took over the night are coming full-force with thoughts and energy I have no idea how to quell.

Sometimes I find it is best to talk about the mundane when my brain goes off like this.

I am thinking about a post of a girl I met at an eating disorders hospital. She was just finishing up her degree, working fulltime, married with two kids. She had two internships coming up one was a tear, unpaid that she just finished. The second was paid and was supposed to begin about now and had a very good luckily hood of job advancement.

As I pursued my Facebook page I came across this distraught post. It was from her and she has been turned down for the paid internship with chances of mobility. She is beside herself I think for many reasons. I feel like posting I am in the midst of Mania Madness and need to get relieve, please help me. I write about Betsy’s post because it is the mundane and the mundane helps to take away my focus on my body and head.

I got lost in her storm for a couple of moments both when I read it and when I wrote about it. It freed me from the gremlins and demons taking refuge in my body and brain.

I wish I had a picture of the energy in my head right now. I must block everything out including my inner voice to write this. Not easy to do since I usually write from my inner voice.

The flames are the combustion of my body’s energy and my mind’s energy converging into one. It is the most powerful force in my being and one I feel I can not sustain for a long period.

So what do I do? My ex wife just called to take Bella, my daughter, to the gym after her swim practice… will I keep it together?

I will call on the greatest gift of my brain: the ability to hyper-focus. I will get lost in the moment with Bella and give her every ounce of my attention.  I have since finding out that I am working her out but together her workout and gotten myself ready.

I am burning up in my head. I feel like I should write a fictional story about my friend who didn’t get the internship and her job thereafter.

I can only control my Mania Madness to a certain degree and will be taking Adderall right before my ex-wife picks me up for the gym. I will try to keep it together and also do some ab work as well.

Stephanie is up and perplexed at my mania madness. She said it has no rhythm or reason and that is true.

Colliding in my head right now are many thoughts of various origins and I try as I may to keep them behind the forefront where I try to hyper-focus.

Today it is not the Acela it is a faster European high-speed train zipping through my cerebellum and creating a dysfunctional me that must fake functional. The concept is nothing new to me but under these conditions it is harder than hell. Faking the functional with the dysfunctional at play is something I have mastered quite well. With this mania Madness I will only be better  at it and hopefully make other blips in my life easier.

Today is not an easy day and I am ready for the gym for sure. However $100 says my ex wife suggest getting lunch first because Bella is going to be starved from swimming practice.

This is where I get nervous and edgy. I am fine to go dig in full-speed at the gym, but not to go sit and fain eating for 45 minutes before. I won’t take my Adderall until I am in the car and know where we are going.

Fire in my soul is always all the time, as is fire in my belly, and the urge to do and be the most I can, but fire in my brain derails me and I can’t shake it off for anything. I tried and nothing is working. It is my worst bout of Mania Madness yet this storm and I hope is the very end of it honestly.

I am ready to put out this fire in my brain and the gym will help quell it for awhile as will Bella. I am just afraid of going out to eat first. I honestly can’t seat still and try talking about anything besides weights and exercises? I am not in a good space for that today.

I will be back hopefully with the fire extinguished in the brain yet still burning white hot in my soul and belly.



Maniacal Musings: Many First Lights

Last night my Mania Madness subsided for the first time since its onset two weeks ago.

It is like seeing the first light at daybreak at 4 am. I am gifted with the relief of some rest and energy levels that are managed by the medication I take daily.

I don’t know if I am out of the woods yet, as the first few days after the first light can go either way.

Try as I may to keep the additional energy away I am nervous that it will return.

It was ironic that I spent the maniac’s hours somewhat calm and worked hard on my anorexia story. I have first light there too with my anorexia: I have really turned the corner with my mental outlook which will slowly affect my physical weight restoration.

I spent last night really trying to relax as my leg was killing me from the surgery and I had no more of my special pain pills.

My ex wife called about going to dinner but I had just taken my pain pills and thus couldn’t go. I needed to stay put as it was and get my leg rested as well as quell the demons and gremlins that returned and knocked me out of the zone yesterday afternoon.

I was so surprised to wake up without the over-abundance of gremlins and demons. I woke Stephanie up and told her the good news. She started to cry a little as she was so relieved I was getting a break from the Mania Madness as she saw first hand what a toll it took on my body, mind, and psyche. I told her I was fine and was going out onto my computer and she offered to go get a coffee for me. I was so surprised and thankful. We all piled into the car for the short drive down the road and got my special tincture of coffee.

I got home and Stephanie went right back to bed and I jumped on my computer. I took my Adderall with the coffee and hoped the golden elixir helped me stay focused and driven but not with the Mania Madness.

I worked until the first light of the day at like 4 am and I took a moment to be grateful for the time I had without the Madness.

I am working hard on my anorexia story and trying to blog here and on SCATTERED every day.

I am feeling the gremlins stir just a bit. Nothing to be worried about now at least.

The gremlins and demons are different and I have never spoke about their differences. The gremlins are the extra energy packets that infiltrate my body and mind.

The demons are the thoughts as a result of the gremlins I can’t control and that sometimes really get the best of me.

I am quite confident today that I will be able to avoid the hospital. The only reason I go into the hospital is for lack of sleep and I have been able to get some sleep each night even if it hasn’t been much. I would say I am most susceptible to Mania Madness without sleep in the spring and fall so to have made it this far I might go back to full Mania Madness again but I believe the sleep will continue with the aid of sleeping pills.

I am proud that I avoided another hospital stay and that I am learning how to use my medications to solve the acute problems. A couple of years ago I would have been right back into the hospital and not for nothing but it does a number on your head.

I made the most of the maniac’s hours and have almost two anorexia blogs to post. I am going to come up with a good topic for my SCATTERED blog and finish my two anorexia posts.

I pray today continues as it is, and I am not relegated to fighting and containing the Mania Madness.

Stephanie and I have to go bedroom shopping and pick out colors for the bedroom and I believe I am taking Bella to the gym today.

The sun is rising and the day looks beautiful. I am so grateful not to be in a psych ward!



Maniacal Musings-Together

Although I am battling Mania Madness my life with my soon to be fiancé who is also moving in November 1, 2016 moves forward.

Although we have only been a couple since June we have really been together for well over two years.

The entire time I was super sick with anorexia, Stephanie didn’t leave my side or disappoint me in any way.

This has been a hard week with the Mania Madness and the leg surgery but none of that casts a shadow on the excitement of our impending engagement over Columbus Day weekend and then our big moving in together around November 1, 2016.

We have spent the last days definitely focused on my surgery and Mania Madness but we have still talked and had moments to be excited and nervous about the engagement and then moving in together.

I have taken care of everything as far as the engagement goes, and since Stephanie reads this blog I can’t go into much detail. She asked that it be private and memorable and I think I got those things covered. I can promise you neither one of us will forget when we got engaged and her ring, just finished at the jeweler, will serve as a constant reminder of that special time.

.We have been busy talking about this place, my place, where Stephanie is moving into. We are moving our bedroom and putting a lot of my furniture I recently acquired from my parent’s downsizing into the storage unit. Stephanie is bringing a few pieces here but most of her stuff besides bedding, towels, and kitchen stuff will go into storage while we live here for the next year or so.

Due to my divorce and parenting plan I have to live in Bella’s school district through the end of eighth grade. We are moving shortly after or maybe buying early and rehabbing a place on the water in Portsmouth or the tiny island off of Portsmouth, called New Castle.

We are in this together and forever. Not a day goes by even with the surgery or Mania Madness where we don’t talk about the thoughts of living together as an engaged couple.

For both of us it is a dream come true, and while this is Stephanie’s first marriage it is my second.

Neither of us are nervous we have spent so much time together over the last almost three years to know we are truly meant to be and destiny is on our side.

We have been talking a lot about fixing up this place, painting the new bedroom, and re-painting the bathroom on the first floor. Next week painters come in to paint the bedroom and I need to get the design work painted in the bathroom so they can finish painting that as well. Stephanie has plans to rearrange the kitchen  which I am fine with.

We are so happy yet don’t want to wish any time away and enjoy each stage we travel through.

Once we are engaged we will set a wedding date and then the wedding is basically all up to her. I have done this before and feel weird getting remarried so I want this to be what Stephanie wants. I have some ideas but unless asked will leave it all up to her and the wedding planner she is planning on hiring.

This weekend we need and have to go pick out our new bedroom furniture that we will take to the new house. There is an Ethan Allen in Portsmouth and another great furniture store called Abode which we will look at too. That is a must do for this weekend!

I can’t believe how fast the time has gone and how crazy amazing we are together. Nobody was joking when they said marry your best friend. We spend every night together and when my Bella is here we don’t sleep together as not being engaged I don’t think its cool.

When we get back from our engagement weekend I will tell Bella who I am sure already gets it, and we will proceed from there.

Stephanie is as cool as a cucumber and has no jitters whatsoever. I on the other hand am a bit nervous as this is my second marriage.

We are truly one in some many ways, and our soul mate connection is second to nothing I have ever experienced before.

Stephanie doesn’t have really any real relationship experience so she is full-speed ahead. All I know is we are really good, no great together and daily find the sacred in the ordinary.

Spending this weekend with her looking for bedroom furniture and spending tonight maybe going out with Bella and my ex-wife is so over the moon happy! We are both #AMPED for this weekend and getting one more step closer to getting the house in order to live together. We have to finally decide on colors this weekend-we have been tossing ideas around but know the time has come to pick.

I look forward to Stephanie getting home tonight and us having through Monday morning together as we always are.



Release Me

As most of you know I have been battling Mania Madness and doing my very best to stay out of the hospital.

Last night I entered the “Zone” mind-wise and have been on a writing spree since early last evening. The gremlins and demons that grab a hold of me and pump me full of energy that has no where to go in my body or mind have quelled enough to allow me to be creative and filled with thoughts I am able to process.

I have no idea how long it will last, but it seems to be attaching itself to a growing spurt of self-actualization and leading me to a greater authentic-self and truth.

My birthday as most of you know is almost just a week away on October 4, 2016. It is a biggie, I am turning forty. With that by itself I think I would be transitioning at this point but with the Mania Madness I am further deeper than a mere transition of myself and I feel my Chi (energy) shifting in positive and new ways I have yet to be able to label.

The zone last night where I spent the better part of the evening journaling, and this morning during the maniac’s hours writing my anorexia story is truly a gift.

I tried to describe it in an earlier post on my main blog, but failed miserably. Here I am in the zone cerebrally and I can’t articulate it through word porn? What is wrong with me? I think it isn’t supposed to be described as it is part of the inexplicable and thus warrants no attempt at explanation.

I am praying know that the gremlins and demons have quelled, they continue to hold off pumping me up with energy my mind and body can not process.

I slept a bit last night which was such a gift and I pray today the Mania Madness dials itself down a notch but as I write I feel it moving and stirring around and that means it is getting ready to come back full tilt.

I just want the demons and gremlins to release my body and mind as through even my bout with anorexia my body and mind were prisoners to the disease. Why are my body and mind so susceptible to being held prisoner?

I have a strong mind and a strong body each which has fallen prisoner to both anorexia and Mania Madness. I just want to be free so I can be me…..maybe this is me in one form or another. Maybe my mind and body must be prisoners to something because on their own they are to powerful yet scattered which is a very dangerous combination.

I would like the opportunity to see and experience my mind and body not held prisoner by anything. Does it crave being held hostage in one form or another? Does it look for these opportunistic diseases to infiltrate myself and play command and control? Surely that can not be the case!

I am working intentionally hard at freeing my mind especially. As is the case with both Mania Madness and Anorexia the mind is the most powerful and most controlled. My body and its cavity are a far distance second to my brain.

I yearn to be free, to be released… that what Mania Madness is and I just don’t recognize it because it is so far from okay or normal?

Do I spend most of my time with pure mania in a state of suspended animation? I do not know but I will figure it out.  Anorexia is not an option and nearly killed me. What about Mania Madness? Do I learn as I have been to manage it as it is and live my life as my authentic self? Is that truly me? Wow I never thought about it this way and it is the zone digging deep and asking these questions.

I will have to see what happens and do some  writing in my journal to figure this one out. I think through my time spent in the zone I opened a can of worms I might not like the answer to or be prepared mentally for the ultimate challenge in the quest for my authentic truth.

I am a bit silenced in my verbiage and deep, deep into my head. I will be back to pick this up later when I am not so shocked or caught off guard.



Maniacal Musings: The Zone

Yesterday afternoon my father picked me up to eventually make our way to Bella’s away volleyball game.

We had to backtrack and go pick up my mother from sewing and then go to the away game where we didn’t know where  the school was.

Bella’s games were good, her team won in two straight games and she is improving all the time.

I got a ride home with a family friend and met Stephanie back at the house. I was happy to see her and had noticed a big shift in my Chi (energy).

I was entering into the zone  I have which is the ultimate space for my mind to work and think. The gremlins and demons had quelled just enough for the zone environment to appear.

Stephanie immediately noticed the difference in me and I told her I wasn’t hungry I needed to write. I didn’t even want to blog, these were big, deep thoughts that I wanted to journal about. I joumaled until 11 pm last night and Stephanie was so happy to see me in this zone.

It is still part of Mania Madness but the very best part of it and I never know how long it will last. I tired myself out last night with all my thinking and writing.

We went to bed about 11:30 pm and I slept until 1:45 am. It was beautiful! I woke up much to my surprise still in the zone and decided to work on my anorexia story for the better part of the maniac’s hours.

At like 6 am Stephanie awoke to find me furiously writing in my journal. She suggested I start my blog for this morning.

So here I am in the zone trying to capture the essence of the zone cerebrally. It is a space where thoughts are just a tich slower than Mania Madness and I can capture them on paper and I am highly creative during this zone period.

I liken it to the perfect storm without the negative connotations. I am able to articulate the expansive spaciousness of my mind’s eyes and capture almost like a an image of prose, if you can imagine the ability to do so and write through it onto the paper or type it into the computer.

I feel like I can draw right now with words. My descriptions are vivid and come to life: I am a skinny, somewhat fragile being with lanky limbs. My white, tousled hair, cropped short around my face that age defies, frames my deep blue talkative eyes, and plumped, always smirking pouty red lips. I walk with a cockiness and a confidence not seen in many, and my demeanor is standoffish but friendly and compassionate up close. The clothes I wear of kids sizes, match my mercurial, and playful persona and I will catch you off guard with my genius that is distorted by my immaturity in other ways.

Those sorts of passages are what I spent my morning writing which isn’t my MO by any means. Those lines flowed freely as I imagined myself through words and drew myself quite well through my prose.

I am going to see where the zone takes me today. I am home alone today as Stephanie heads into the office for the final day of the week.

Today is supposed to be the WordPress photography challenge, although after not happening last week I am not so confident.

Julia Bleu, my steady stead is behind my computer chair and snorting and snoring as I peck at the keyboard.

I have only one hand and can use the other one a little bite but it tires quickly and I am left with just my left hand and lightening fast fingers to hunt and peck the keys.

I am going to write a blog for SCATTERED as well this morning-on what I haven’t a clue but something good will pop into my mind. I am scanning ideas as I write here and now.

I love this time in the zone and wish I lived closer to it without the Madness all of the time. However it does make me somewhat antisocial so probably a good thing it only visits for a short amount of time.

I am ready for SCATTERED and my topics are narrowed.

I pray the zone inhabits my mind for the day although I doubt it will go that long. I will take what I can get, and I pray the demons and gremlins do not pick up energy or that this is the calm before the storm.

I like me right now-although I didn’t give Stephanie the time or energy she deserved. I will make it up to her tonight.



The Expression of Ourselves

For me at this time my Mania Madness is taking up a lot of my authentic self and truth.

As we discussed we come from our authentic selves by means of self-actualization and pure courage to be visible to others as ourselves.11013148_499768230176660_5009021126981085455_n

This is the first Mania Madness where I haven’t run into the closet to hide and wish the gremlins and demons away.

I have shared them not only with Stephanie, my significant other, but with my blogging worlds as well.

I am not sure what changed, its a combination of things I deduce. First in my blogs, I have written from raw and naked places leading up to the Mania Madness and two having an almost fiancé witness it and live with me through it has opened me up on so many levels. Stephanie is so instrumental in the nurturing of my ever budding authentic self and the person that entails.

I will be forty in less than two weeks, and coupled with the safe environment Stephanie provides me at home, I am more willing and opening in other facets of my life.

What is self expression really? To me, it is living our creative thoughts and processes combined with our authentic persons, and expression all of ourselves in many mediums. Whether it is persona, style of clothes, values and morals, our living choices, and yes our passions and our dreams.

It is a tall order for any one person. Not easy to do and harder to maintain. My persona is molded around my mania on a daily basis and has been since I was born. There was no hiding it, manipulating it, or denying it for the sake of myself or others.

My style grew from when I was a little tomboy right up through prep school when I was and felt like the ultimate prep, on to college and beyond where my style was chic European lines, monochromatic colors, and an edginess about myself that was part industrial.

My home after my divorce required I buy all new everything as I left my house with a mere knapsack and never retuned. At that point I was feeling rather singular in my nature and drawn to an industrial look for my home. It has worked as a single person who has a daughter, but not really the thing with my fiancé and spending my life with another person and making our home together.

We have one more year that I have to live where I am or close by before we can move and buy a house a bit southeast on the ocean. My days of industrial living are numbered and we will be buying all new furniture for our new place besides some family heirlooms from both of our families.

We are not waiting on the bedroom set and my black solid wood bedding pieces from Ethan Allen will be replaced in the next weeks with our permanent bedroom set we are buying as we even move bedrooms here at my house.

I find personal expression to be quite curious on an individual level. To someone like Stephanie she knows what she wants but her self expression although solid is not loud and doesn’t need to be heard like mine does. I think part of the variance comes from the amount of intentionality a person puts into their self expression. Everything about me is really natural in its flow, but really also intentional as I am always thinking about it.

I don’t make random choices and I have an opinion on most everything related to myself. I find as I travel through self-actualization, my authentic truth and self automatically clicks with parts of my persona and I am more sure not less of that which I think, speak, am, and yes wear.

I don’t think or I know this is not the case for everyone and I have tried to fetter out the mania and what part that plays in my inexplicable choices and myriad of decisions I make that most people I know don’t think of and give much thought to.

Take a simple example like my writing utensils. I am very particular, only use good, re-usable pens and markers, and decided a couple years ago to customize my writing utensils. Nobody is going to steal a writing utensil from me. I basically use one type of good pen, a fine tip no-bleed black inked silver sharpie tool, and one particular type of Pental mechanical pencils. I decided to take those not put away and use thin decorative duct tape to differentiate my writing utensils. Before this chaos of three different writing utensils I used only TUL writing pens and mechanical pencils but the pens are none refillable and they are all very costly.

This is just one minute item that makes up a tiny piece of my self-expression. My hair is a big one. I will post a picture of myself today taken recently that shows from color to cut a look all its own. Sure plenty of people have tried to copy it and I just stay mum on the color and the cut which are not ordinary in anyway. I am not trying to be different just to be different, but I do believe if people put intentional thought into themselves they would come up with some creative ideas. I have met loads of people with creative ideas and I admire them.

There is nothing wrong with having a quite or more subtle self expression either. I think as long as we are working on self -actualization which will morph as we grow and experience and have as our goal our true authentic selves from which we live a true and honest life for ourselves, we are doing great.

Heck I am about to turn forty and self-actualization and my authentic self are just coming into my rear view mirror. For others, they are lucky and it happened much sooner. Still sadly for others, they never reach it as they never feel equipped to traverse the terrain and that to me is sad.

I say take baby steps. Find one thing a day that is truly you and hold on to it, as the next day you find something else and you add that to your collection. In another post shortly we will talk about the various ways of getting to self-actualization and authentic self.