Eyes Wide Shut….

It’s almost 3 am on Wednesday morning and despite two doses  of medication I am unable to sleep.  I had a rough afternoon at the ortho surgeon.  My hand was manipulated and put in a hard cast….I chose the color black as I thought it was befitting.  My leg is a whole other story and requires another specialist to deal with a total leg reconstruction.  The news was leveling and it will require me to drop my courses and take another medical leave.  Sadness does not begin to explain how awful I feel.  I have worked so hard to stay healthy enough with the anorexia battle to stay in school.  I came back last summer for one class and then completed the fall semester and almost made it through the spring semester.  I have an overall 4.0 GPA and once again was positioned for another 4.0 GPA-one of the many goals I have set for myself academically.

I have received much love and care from those closest to me as well as those that are truly my Facebook family.  I am so appreciative for all the love, support, and help I have received and will continue to receive through this long and arduous journey back to well.  My body has essentially failed me with the fractures and I have failed myself and probably others with having to go on medical leave from school.  My schooling is so important to me, and all the goals I have set for myself are vital to my well-being mentally.  Even though I know I will formally drop my classes this week I still plan on writing my research paper that is due on Friday. I just cant help myself, it is a huge part of me, Corey, and without it I will be lost in a fog that is already creeping in.  I have thought for many hours this late afternoon and e1vening to see if there is anyway to stay in school and still get my leg fixed.  The answer is yes, I can stay in classes until my surgery but as soon as the surgery I would need the looming medical leave.

Somehow, some way I need to do something “big” while I am out of school.  I am thinking about writing, a small piece to be published.  Everyday through my writing and all the reading I do, I get closer to my goal of getting a small piece published, as I make my way towards my lifetime goal of writing a book to be published.  I must as I tell my daughter, Bella, turn my frown upside down.  With that comes the mind and an accomplishment-without that I am going to really struggle internally-its hard-a type A, first born, over-achiever, perfectionist.  I see those traits developing in Bella and I just want to say “Stop, don’t do it that way, don’t live your life that way-Unfortunately it is a part of who and what we are.

So I vow here there and everywhere, to get over myself and my pity party and actually do something different and unexpected.  My life has been filled with a road containing  many twists and turns.  So time to be sad is now for today and probably through the weekend-I do vow not to bemoan it and suffer internally in silence and spare everyone my sob-story.  I need to figure out the challenge, the real reason I am leaving school for the rest of the semester.  When I see the words written like that, a tich of excitement for the challenge which lays in front of me seems like maybe this is a time for a bucket list item….hmmm what  a thought- It has to be writing of some sort, that I know.  So for now I am neither frowning or smiling, I am deep in thought.  My thoughts are what to do with this space and time in my life.  I will be back later today, how I will feel then I do not know.  Whether I sleep or not is something that eludes me also.  However I will be back, in every way of that phrase.



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