Today as I try to remain upbeat and best my mind I started a new blog called thecakeisnowblog to chronicle my journey through anorexia. It is here on WordPress and I will be writing as I ready myself for a piece to be published. Everyone has a story, all with many chapters. This chapter of anorexia has been at times so delightful and at other moments hauntingly devastating. I am having to take a medical leave for my hand and leg fractures sustained in a bit of a fall on the pavement. Because my bone density is so ravaged by the anorexia I fractured my hand which is now casted, and need surgery for a total knee reconstruction and bone grafts.
I am certainly paying a price for my journey through anorexia. Leaving school is heartbreaking, and leaving my professors and classmates even harder. Today has been heavy, and it is not even the beginning of my journey back to well. I see the surgeon for my leg on Wednesday, and from there the time table will be laid out for my road to recovery. I cant get out of my head and I cant for the life of me figure out how two years later, with so much pain and suffering, as well as hurt and confusion to loved ones, I am still not in recovery. The dream of this journey started close to two years ago, and sped out of control really fast. It coincided with me going back to school in the summer of 2014. I was on top of the world, back in the classroom, excelling at my courses, and ultimately taking control over my body. It was a time of big highs and complete bliss, and somehow the bliss turned into pain and near death experiences, hospitalizations and feeding tubes, and yet today as I try to type these words with my one good hand, all of it as become a fog, a daze I live in, wanting to get to recovery, but still not being honest enough with myself or with others.
Today I had to call the Advising department at school and get the last bit of information I need to make my medical leave solidified and to make sure I drop my classes correctly as not to hurt my perfect 4.0 GPA. It was not a happy conversation with Advising, and I feel as though with everything else, I have pushed it too far. Getting sick was one thing, staying sick is another. I felt really empty and lost when I hung up my phone with all that is necessary for me to do to get back to school. I haven’t even thought at all that I wont be back for summer classes in May, but I am not stupid and doing the math, its going to be a crap shot. I think I must tell myself that at the very least I can take an online programming course this summer if I cant return to campus. Going to school and interacting with my classmates and professors as well as being a part of the academic community is vital to my head and its well-being.
I am sad as I write, there is no quick fix or undo on this which is my current life. I have so many amazingly great things going on, but in this moment I am stuck, in this body that is failing me because I didn’t take care of it. It is my second week out of school and although I have great people and lots of great things I could chose to do, it’s not school, and as I write I am missing a class I will not finish, and I hurt, I hurt deep on many levels. My body, not just my injuries hurts me constantly, and now my mind is failing me and I must find my footing and readjust to this new normal because the darkness of the day is too much to bear.
BORN THIS WAY-2016