This Has been Unfortunate and Scary

“I am a sociopath. I look normal, but I’m not.

“I can read you almost immediately, get your number right away, and push your buttons to make you do whatever I want.  I don’t really like you, but I am so good at acting as if I do that it’s basically the same thing.  To you”

“I fool you.  I fool everybody.” -Every Fifteen Seconds

I have been pretty quiet about the unusual turmoil in my life over the past months. Somebody came into my life, and much like this person above, had their way, used me, lied to me, and most of all completely disrespected me. I am not the type of person who has these things happen to them.  I consider myself a good judge of character, however I had no idea how in over my head I really was.  I am so grateful that this person is seemingly gone, though I know they lurk out in the darkness with envy and anger for the life I have, and for ultimately banishing them from my daily Universe.

I could not understand the non-emotive nature of this person, and the hauntingly vacant look when I looked into their eyes.  I realized quite awhile ago that this person lacked basic empathy, something that comes all so naturally for me.  I then realized that this person didn’t ever speak the truth, to me or anyone else in their lives. I promised myself I would write this down, so that me and my family are protected from further abuse.  No, of course they never met Bella, or anybody that mattered to me.  I have suffered in silence for all these months, putting up with bullying, and falsehoods that they themselves believed to be true.

I know I am naïve and I am not street smart in the least.  This person pointed these facts out to me all the time.  I am flawed as we all are, but I try my hardest to be a good and kind person.  I thought they needed a friend, and what they wanted was their next victim.  I got lucky, and because of this person, I can’t and wont ever be as willing to offer someone my friendship. I was made to look stupid and foolish, and that’s okay with me.  What’s not okay is I got so close to an actor of sorts, who played me and never once was a good friend in return.  I am ashamed it took me so long to figure out, and it wasn’t until I started reading “Every Fifteen Seconds” that I realized what I had been dealing with. I feel somewhat safe, they have gone silent and I am so thankful.  I pray they just keep unraveling in  their own life, and do not involve anyone else in their darkness of being.

So I did it, I wrote about it, I admitted it, and the guilt and shame I feel for making such a bad call on a person is only rectified by the truly great human beings in my life. I have so many regrets, and I never needed to learn the lessons I did from this person.  I am trying to figure out how to protect myself should they come so nonchalantly into my life again.  There is no place for this person, and that is not like me to turn my back on someone in seeming need who really doesn’t have anyone.  However, they are not okay, and my life is charmed on so many levels and I won’t ever open myself up to them and their illnesses again.  No, I am fine….bruised in the ego but nonetheless okay.  I worry about the others….surely I wasn’t the first.

Always be careful, we can have the best intentions and find ourselves and our lives so far from home so very quickly.  I got played, I got played really well….I fell for so much that never added up and I invested my time and energy into helping this person.  It was all for not-nothing was true, but I found my big Brave and finally got out on electronic paper my secret that has weighed on me for months.



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