This morning I was up reading through Facebook, when I came across a new blog post from one of my professors. Interested, I clicked on it and eagerly began to devour his words. To my dismay, they were words of heartache, disappointment, and probably a myriad of other things that I didn’t discern.
He was posting about receiving unfavorable news of the worst sort, and being at a total loss for the last two years of his life; have been spent driving and living for this goal he set.
We all experience disappointment, and at times the disappointment is so great it rocks us to our core, makes us question who and what we are, what are we doing, and also what are we going to do now. I felt my professors pain to some degree through his words and his tone. A rather upbeat guy with a great big personality, I sensed he was utterly deflated.
I don’t know him very well, but I truly admire him as a professor, a writer, and an amazing human being. Given our relationship as student-professor I also felt doubly bad. No not pity, this person needs no pity, as they are so gifted in the classroom and with the pen…a rarity for sure. He had made mention of his latest venture, and hopeful plans for his future just a couple weeks ago. Now so suddenly he was leveled and questioning God knows what about himself.
I made the biggest mistake after reading his post. I wanted to fix things, for his pain to ease, for him to show himself as the amazing person I have been privileged to get to know. So I left a comment on his blog. I am humiliated at myself for having done so…in my rash attempt to “fix” pain and disappointment that I can not alleviate, I made a trite comment that “he would find his way.” I turned to words, as most of us do, to ease pain and sorrow that I now know words can not ease, I can not ease. Words have once again failed me and mislead me into thinking they have the power to fix and make everything better.
I shouldn’t have commented, and instead kept him close in my thoughts and given some time to be thoughtful as opposed to thoughtless and insensitive in my commentary. I debated deleting the comment, but was pretty sure he had already seen it, so I left it. Out of place, out of line, and inappropriate.
As a caring person I don’t want anybody to hurt, and this professor has done so much for me academically and personally. In the short time we have know one another he has touched me, gotten to me, inspired me to push harder and to think outside the box, where all the really great thinking happens.
So I write more words now for my big mistake, and I hope he can sometime realize I just didn’t want him to feel bad. I don’t want for things not to go as he wishes, I want to see him happy and rewarded for all his hard work. Words can be our friends, but as friends they can fail us miserably. Today was one such day.
BORN THIS WAY-2016