I awoke in the morning, covered in sweat, and feeling very light-headed. The starvation better be working, I would get weighed this morning, and I hadn’t put anything into my mouth. I know it sounds inane to starve yourself when you already have a major problem. What is hard to understand, is that was my only form of control at that time, and I wasn’t the least bit ready for a trip to Walden. I was given no preparation. I hadn’t been in an eating hospital before, and this was just way out of my league.
Soon enough I heard the guy come, with his blood pressure cart. I sat up and didn’t say a word, he was quiet and I appreciated that. My mind was consumed with what the scale would say, I was good to drop 3 pounds in a day. Two days of that puts me 6 pounds less, and I know I am riding out on the pony express back to my house where I eat and weigh myself just as I want to…..I hurried up and put on a johnnie, and I tried to pee as much as I could. Most people cheat and they water load before weigh so they weigh more. I had to take a much more drastic strategy so this was it for me.
I meandered down the hallway there were only a couple of patients around. “Corey you’re up next.” I hopped on the scale and turned my back too it. I could by the look on the nurse’s face, it wasn’t good for them, but was good for me. I could just tell from my body it was wasting away, my hips and my ribs were all jutting out. I was so twisted I felt happy and thoughts of going home to my life danced in my head. I would most definitely be home for Thanksgiving.
I had an extra hop in my step as I got ready for the day, I knew the scale was going to be way, way down. Something that couldn’t just ignore. I laid low all morning until breakfast was called. I said hi to a few of the patients. We went into the dining room, I took my seat and stared at my plate. A half bagel with peanut butter, looked so good I almost ate it. Soon, this hunger would pass all together, but it was still hanging on. I drank a sip of my coffee, if that is what they called it. Never tasted anything so bad in my life. I pushed the cup away and sat real still. The table was not talkative which was not good. All it did was give me more time in my head to think of my two impending bolus protocols. “Corey, how you doing with your breakfast?” “Oh I am really full, this feeding tube is magic it takes all my hunger away.” “Corey that is inappropriate language in the dining hall. Are you finished, because if so Jane wants to see you in her office right away.” “OK I am going to see Jane, my friend.”
I walked down the hall and was half happy with my weight, but miserable when I thought of those bolus protocols. “Good morning Corey, how are you today.?” “I am fine any word on my three day?” “Oh no that is still deep in review, we need to discuss something a lot more serious. We don’t talk weight here at Walden at all with the patients, but Corey you have lost 7 pounds. Yes , I thought to myself this is going to work. “Really, wow that is a lot for being in an eating disorders hospital. Seems to me like this is failing miserably, and when my primary care finds out, she will want me home where at least I wont starve.”
“Are you ready for your bolus?” “Yep, bring them on I don’t even mind them.” I lied and I willed it not to kill my like crazy as it always does. The nurse was nice and gentle with me, and it was over and not half bad. “Corey I get and see the game you are playing, except for one small piece you must hear: you are going to die, this isn’t a joke. You are so sick you don’t see or feel it anymore.” “I want to go home and if I have to come back I will. But I was not prepared for this setting and I must be home for Thanksgiving.”
“So you are just going to starve yourself to death right now to get yourself home?” “Yes, I am and it will work. I am not disagreeable to coming back.” “OK Corey I hope you live to come back, I will shred the three day and I have already talked to your family and doctor. They want you home just as soon as possible.”
“Do I get to go home today?” “Yes, Corey your family is on their way.” “Jane I will come back I will succeed at this program, I just need to go home and regroup.” “What are you doing with DHHS?” I said, “Did you fix the problem yet?” “Yes it is fixed and thank you for pointing it out.” “Then I am doing nothing at all.” I got up and went to leave, and I looked Jane right in the eyes: I will be back, I promise you ,and I am going to beat this fucking disease.”
“Good luck Corey hope to see you soon.” “Thank you Jane.”
BORN THIS WAY-2016