It has taken me a while to develop this face, which is nothing more than my authentic self sans all of crap I carry along with me, and the emotional baggage I am beginning to be unable to carry it’s so heavy. No it doesn’t weigh too much, the pain hurts to deeply. I often look at my loved ones, as over the years I have become quite intuitive for focusing on the mass they wear. Sometimes, I realize that on a particular subject at this moment we are sharing they need their mask. Often, I will pick one or two of the elements distorted by the mask, and I will go for it. Always gentle, also with my pure authentic self, and my best intentions. I think that is why some people are so close and well others we just don’t connect.
Today I write about my mask that I use quite often to hide myself and my brutal truth from most of the world. We all use masks. What does your basic mask to the world look like? Mine is a mask of a happy face, bright eyes, no pain, no worries, no mistakes, no loss. It definitely doesn’t include the heart ache I wrestle with every single day over my current health, and my insidious battle with anorexia.
I think when I look at a loved one wearing their weathered and beaten up mask, they are looking for me as a fellow mask wearer, to relieve them of something that is hidden. It is a big decision to lean forward in caress a mask of your best friend, or beloved family member. It is unspoken expectation, that if you try to gently reveal a friend’s mask, or a tiny part of it, you are committed to seeing this through. In an instant of deciding to peel away a piece of a loved one’s mask, you have changed the entire course of direction in that one moment in time.
Too many people don’t have true, compassionate intentions. They will ask or inquire about a piece of my mask; however the alarm clock has been set for any discussion about it. I may see a good friend many times without bringing up a fragile piece of their mask. The timing, the setting, your temperament and theirs all need to align like the plants in the sky above.
Sometimes I am rejected, outwardly and sometimes not with kind words. Other times it is the BIG denial game, and I make note to circle back to that as soon as I feel its possible.
With my mask, denial is the GAME. I can convince anyone including myself; nothing is wrong, no I am not bothered about that….I don’t like it when my mask fails me or a loved one loves me too much for my comfort zone. Do we ever just leave our masks at home, at the bottom of the closet all covered with dirty laundry? Yes I think we do, I believe it is very much a goal; to get to a place where we live without any mask, and authenticity runs our beings. It is not just about me, but to a great extent the people I surround myself with.
I challenge you now, and everyday, to peel back a layer or two of our mask if you can. Living authentically is what I have paid many therapist to tell me life is all about. So treat yourself well, and chose the people in your life as best as you can. I always hear about people cleaning up their Facebook friends list. What about our loved ones, in the flesh right beside us? It remains one of life’s greatest difficult lessons, but once in a while we need to say good bye and be well, to people who care about us in a way that doesn’t work. That subject is a blog all it’s own. Today, I am not wearing my mask at all. Beware my friends and my family too, if your looking for the “gift-wrapped” pat answer from me; today is not the day I offer that to you. I am raw, I hurt, I honestly yearn to be asked, “How are you today, Corey?” I haven’t a glue what I would say, but it would began with some big crocodile tears. Yesterday was my leg surgery and I am not feeing well, fortunately for me there are at least three people I can share. With my beaten mask thrown in the closet, I await their return to my world later on today. I feel better, I am comforted that all this “stuff,” I will not keep in me much longer. I feel ready to talk, about some fear and disappointment that misaligns my authenticity.
I never was authentic until a couple of years ago. When I wear my mask and realize how far I am from my authentic self, I roll up my sleeve and bare my left arm, it’s inked in Latin for everyone to see: “Be who you are and go all the way.” I am trying to get there , so much reality needed to be fixed, for awhile my mask ensconced my entire body. Not now, no never again will that ever be my case.. I hold my mask assuredly, just in case it is needed. But more blogging of mask and authenticity to follow as I deconstruct my guarded mind and thoughts- Nothing you can do for yourself is a greater gift than living authentically.
BORN THIS WAY-2016