Land of Confusion

I just got back from the gym this morning, where I went to test my knee.  I hobbled back into the house, and grabbed some ice for my ice bag for my sore knee. I don’t know whether I know anything more than before, things didn’t turn out according to plan.

We got to the gym and I went to stretch out and warm up my knee.  I know this all sounds crazy, when I tell you I still have 240 stitches in my knee.  The whole idea was mine, but others bought into it just the same.  I don’t know if I should have pushed it, I am fairly certainly there is no more damage that could be done, except to my mind and my ego.

I came out and told my trainer I was ready.  I hopped up onto a treadmill, far away from all the other people at the gym.  I straddled the track while I figured out how it worked, then I stood in the middle the track, hit the go button and tapped the

up arrow, to make it go a tich faster at a time.  My trainer was already watching my stride, checking for discrepancies.  I checked in with myself, and forgetting the lump in my throat, I decided that I didn’t feel bad.  I quickly got up to two, and I left it right for a time.  It wasn’t part of the test, but it felt like that is what my body wanted, so without saying a word, I comfortably walked at a decent  pace, and then begin moving the up arrow again.

This time I brought it to three, and I knew I was only going to 3.5 and no higher.  I hard a change of heart, I didn’t want to test my knee after all, I wanted to start getting back moving again, without ever a hitch or a click.  So today would be my first workout, I brought the treadmill up to 3.5 and left it there.  I explained to my trainer what I had decided to do, he thought it was an excellent idea.  He believed as I do, I don’t want this knee to fail, so I must do everything to ensure it stays well.  After 5 minutes at 3.5 I was starting to get tired in my knee. I brought the machine all the way to zero, stopping at 1.5 for a 2 minute cool down as I saw it was fit. I got to zero and shut the machine off.

I was shaking and on the verge of tears.  I am so fearful about not running again, and my body with the anorexia and the bad leg, makes me feel very vulnerable and weak. I am going back to the gym on Sunday, today I will make a treadmill schedule and complete workout routine.  My goal is not to push it too fast, I think that is the easiest way to make sure I fail. I will probably to do the same workout on Sunday that I did today, except for I might take the machine up to four, and see if I can do three minutes there.

I realized today this is going to be a long, slow process, especially if I am really trying to heal, and not just push it. I was very aware while on the treadmill today, I don’t respect my body in the ways it deserves to be respected. I need to change that, and I need to change my head, I can’t be pigheaded about my recovery.  I have nothing to prove to anyone else, and everything in the palm of my hands to lose.



2 thoughts on “Land of Confusion

  1. I think your caution is very wise. After all, this knee of yours has to carry you for the rest of your life (all being well…). No point in damaging it while so very fragile, so treat it gently, keep it moving so it doesn’t atrophy and stiffen, but allow it to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

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