Bill called me back into his office after lunch had settled down and I think he spoke to Jane. I went in with my forms all filled out, and told him I had something very serious to discuss with him. He looked not as surprised as I would have thought, surely Jane and Carroll tipped him off about the medications issue and that I had said I was calling DHHS. I had no intention of really calling DHHS, I wanted to get the hell out of there, and I would use any leverage I had. It was completely against the rules, to know other patient’s medications, and maybe even diagnoses. I mentioned to Bill there was a major violation in the medication room. I explained how on the pixis machine, which held all the drugs and patients information, that I was able to see on the screen every one’s medication for psychiatric illnesses. “Corey, this is a serious observation you have brought to our attention, and I guarantee you now they are fixing it as we speak” “I understand that Bill, but the damage has been done. There is no erasing the medications and the patients I saw, it is a grave breach of their privacy.
“Corey it appears we have two things going, is there a matter you would like to handle first?” “Yes, I would like to submit my three day forms and be given to contact my primary physician. If it alright by you, I will sign these forms now and get this process starting.” Bill handed me a pen, and I carefully read every word that was mine to make sure there no errors. I then handed Bill the forms and quickly asked for a copy of them. Bill seemed perplexed, like why would I want a copy? I knew this wasn’t going to get easier, I was starving and getting bolus protocols in the hopes of getting released.
I then asked Bill what the procedure, who would all be reviewing my paperwork. Also I asked what time on Friday I could expect to here a word. “Corey, three day passes are not taken lightly and it will be reviewed by many different people. My guess is you will know, Friday morning before noon. However don’t hold me to that.” “Thank you Bill now may I please try to call my primary care? It is very important, that I speak to her right away,”
Bill handed me the phone and I nervously called my primary care doctor. “Hi this is Corey. May I please talk to Dr.Carter I am in-patient and it is an emergency.” “Hold on and let me find her Corey.” “OK,” I said as the knot in my stomach grew tighter.
“This is Dr. Carter.” “Hello Dr. Carter it is Corey and I am having a very rough time, I have lost more weight since I was admitted and just put in for a three day release. I am sorry this place is just not a good fit for me. I have been in trouble since I got here, and they told me you night not take me back as your patient.” ” Corey, who is in charge down there? Of course I would take you back, your patient after all.” “I thought so but they tried to convince me, that you would not see me being this sick.” “Take care of yourself and I will contact Jane, and see if we can make things better.” “Thank you,” I whispered as I hung up the phone, so relieved that I had Dr. Carter’s support.
My eyes welled up in front of Bill, it so isn’t what I wanted to happen. He offered me a tissue, and asked me next if I wanted to talk about the pixis machine. I said, “Bill this has been a long hard day, and no I don’t feel like talking about the pixis machine. I have the number for DHHS and will use it if need be.” “We would like to talk to you about that incident before any phone calls get made.” “I will see what I want to do, nobody is cutting me any slack here, but you are a bumbling ass to plan me as a fool, and do what you want to cover your ass. I don’t think that is the way things are going to play out in the facts of my treatment. Thank you for handling my forms, and please be sure to get me a copy before the end of the day.”
I headed out of Bill’s office, and there were some patients, standing around looking bored. I wanted to go back into my room, but I really didn’t want to be alone. So I headed into the community room, looked at the clock, there was two hours before dinner. So patients were making friendship bracelets, so I sat down to join them. “Corey, how are doing? We never see you at any of the groups.” “Well I landed here quite hard, and I have been trying to get out on a three day pass.” I enjoyed the afternoon, I made a bracelet for me daughter, I really missed her it was so hard to be a way from her, A staff member came into the room, and told us it was time to get ready for dinner. I asked to use the restroom. The counselor was new, I had never seen her before. She said, “Sure Corey, lets take care of that now.” “OK,” I said, and I followed her down the hallway towards the restroom. “What’s your name,” I asked. She told me her name was Susan. I told her it was nice to meet her. I went into the restroom, and started talking to her while I was peeing. I didn’t flush, I was so excited. She came in and checked and said it was fine to flush.
People were lining up for dinner, my veins went cold with the thought of the bolus protocols. “Corey please roll your sleeves up.” I did as I was told and tried to have a good attitude. I didn’t want to ruin the meals of all the other patients. They let us in and I found my seat. I was sitting with a couple people I have gotten to know. I was excited to maybe have a conversation. I had some food in front of me, chick peas, and cottage cheese. Oh how I wanted to eat it. I wanted so badly, to devour it. But restraint, I couldn’t eat anything. I knew the hunger would pass, but it was not going to pass really soon, as I was starving, my body needed food. However, I wanted to get out of the unit. Dinner started, and we had a nice conversation. I didn’t get yelled at for one thing, and still didn’t touch anything on my plate. Time was up, the staff members went around looking at people’s plates. They got to me, and didn’t say anything. I just sat still and silent.
Next the staff announced the people needing bolus protocol (just me) should go to their rooms and the staff would be in. I got up and tossed all my food away, I was still starved, it hadn’t gone away. This was the hardest part, my body fighting for food. I knew in another day my body would completely adjust, and I wouldn’t be hungry anymore. I headed to my room. I was nervous about the bolus, but they gave me no time to worry. Two nurses came in, and said hello, “Corey can you slide over to the left? Thank you sweetie, I know this isn’t pleasant. I will try to go slowly.” “Thank you,” I said. “The other counselors have been pushing the syringe really hard. Before I knew it, it was over and it didn’t hurt as much. I thanked the nurses for their kindness. Laid my head down on my pillow to cry. What was I doing here? How did I end up here? Would I get out as I planned? I worried as I drifted off to sleep if I would live if they made me stay here.
BORN THIS WAY-2016