There exists in me two very different but similar people. The first is me with anorexia, caught up in my mangled head of thoughts, the second is me, as I sit here right now, having just eaten and feeling really good.
Unfortunately the really good feeling will be replaced with many things. The first is guilt, then shame, the third is a stomach which will revolt, lastly this healthy eating will have me strip naked and get on the scale.
All this because I ate some hummus and some seasoned flatbread. Not really a good show of my recovery is it? I am much better than this. There are just some moments when I am alone, that my anorexia runs amuck. If Stephanie were up, my getting on the scale would not be possible. I can’t rely on others, to create a safety net for me to recover.
Sure they can encourage me, but when it gets right down to it I have to get my head untangled every moment from this insidious disease. I am worried now that I have past two years since I got very sick. I have improved a lot for sure, but the anorexia is still alive and breathing in me. It catches me at the weakest moments.
My anorexia is so opportunistic I can never count on a day free of guilt, or shame, or restricting in some way or fashion. It may not be a lot like it once was, but clearly I am not as far along in my recovery. I have on a higher note been able to basically stabilize my weight.
It is because I finally got used to the gaining of 8 pounds. If I was healthy, I would have continued to add to the eight pounds. Instead of being at 100 pounds, I could be super well at 110 pounds. It was a choice and it was mine, I made the wrong choice once again. I thought hitting a solid 100 pounds would be the trick and the missing link to my recovery.
I now see how I am impede my recovery in so many different ways. I am going to write down a list for my eating disorders therapist, and email it to her. I think this is progress, calling myself out on my shit. Once I share with Pam, my therapist, I will have to answer all her relevant questions and need to explain the why I do what I do.
I just don’t want for her to see me as still really sick at 100 pounds. That is my biggest worry; that my medical team realizes I am still as sick, just at a higher weight, and they take measures to address it like another in-patient stay. No matter what I am not doing that again. Talk about setting my mind back, that is completely the wrong approach to take with me.
I was happy to learn from my team, the Radical Will for anorexia that we implemented has some merit to it in the long run. The weight restoration is the hardest part, and it is lagging further behind. However my mind has very healthy moments. I string a long many healthy moments about my eating, and I have even experienced eating on an occasion without guilt or shame or retribution.
My medical team thinks Radical Will is more effective on the mind, in returning to a quicker and healthier place than other therapies. I need to do a lot of writing for them about my journey. It isn’t telling my story it is what did I feel at say this specific visit, where was my head really because everyone knows we don’t utilize self-disclosure when it comes to our problems.
I am hoping today as I have written through my food angst, will be a day where I put two healthy eating experiences together. That would be so good if I just can do it. Hopefully the anorexic in me, will stay buried or is starting to die.
Thinking about my anorexia in those ways, I don’t know how I feel about that at all. Am I going to bury this illness or am I going to kill it slowly but surely? I know in my Radical Will. the whole idea is to kill the illness, at whatever pace it takes, to prevent relapse and getting sick again at a different time.
My medical team is certainly of the opinion that killing this anorexia is the only way to ensure totally recovery. Radical Will is all about complete recovery, it hasn’t focused on weight restoration like these other therapies only seem to push. Most therapies equate recovery with weight restoration as its golden standard. Radical Will takes an entire different approach, it is about treating the disease in the mind.
It may seem like it doesn’t work or isn’t effective, but the changes in me are truly right down to the quick of my soul, they are not “new ” ways of thinking. We have worked really hard as a team, to build back my healthy mind that will not include anorexia. It is a tall order, put I can tell you the strides I have made, are here for good and I am not in any way going to fall back to old patterns. That is part of the reason for the team approach. I see so many people they can all stay on track with me.
It is why my weight gain is so grossly low. I am not at 80 pounds, so my life is not in imminent danger, it however can’t stay at 100 pounds. If I could get to 110 pounds that is my team’s goal as well as mine. I realize as they do, I do not hit the BMI chart. Though we have to have a reasonable goal that puts me in some safety. Before I got sick I was a slender and slim 130 pounds. I worked out and was nothing but lean muscle.
Today is a big day in my recovery, I am joining the gym to begin to work out with the thought behind that being I will be more hungry and my mind is fixated on having a most hard-core body. My medical team, is letting me join planet fitness, not my gym of choice, but with my travel schedule through the November elections, this should give me a chance to work out wherever I am in the country.
I am very excited and have met with a sports psychologist, who might actually be added to my team. I have my first day workout. Nothing major at all. Coupled with that is a change in my menu by my nutritionist, and a weigh in next Monday to see how I am doing. I get do 15 minutes on the treadmill, I still can’t run from my fractures and my two leg operations. I will be able to get in a mile at least and then I have sit-ups and push-ups I also need to do. We are going to focus on just my core. In case you are wondering, I can do a weak push-up- I tried them at home to see. My first two weeks of working out are two days on and one day off. On my day off I still have to eat my additional snacks and stretch and workout with my hard-core bands. I can walk Julia Bleu up to forty minutes after the first month of training is successful. If at any time I lose weight, I am off the training, and the menu stays the same.
So needless to say I am excited about a lot things today. My girl Stephanie, is joining the gym with me, I think it will be so good to move my body, and use my muscles. I am very grateful for today, and pray with the work outs comes muscle gain, I really need. This is where Radical Will is so different than other kinds of therapies. It takes into consideration all of the parts of the mind and body, and tries to maximize each system unlike waiting for weight thresholds. Working out could prove to be key to my recovery, and putting it off indefinitely doesn’t make a lot of sense. So today I become an official gym rat who is going to beat this anorexia to death.
BORN THIS WAY-2016