Today I was reading one of my favorite bloggers James Altucher, who was a financial trader of many sorts and a gifted writer. Altucher has published many books, made millions, lost millions, and made it all back again. His blog and podcasts are on DISCUS.com. I was reading a particular story about how he was due to give a presentation to Microsoft and made the off-handed comment, “This will be easy.” The person who heard him said, “Don’t make yourself easy.”
I think this is poignant advice for anyone who is an over-achiever, a kick-starter, self-propelled individual. Sometimes we stretch ourselves to thin, say ‘yes’ to too many projects, and end up selling ourselves short. If we are to give of ourselves in any authentic capacity, we should not make ourselves easy.
I find myself in this moment in the midst of a mini-crisis of sorts, as I have too much time available. However, not nearly enough time and good space to accomplish my ever-growing list of ideas and projects I keep coming up with for myself. I am a victim of my own self-esteem…I have the key and lots of times I imprison myself with being a servant to my own mind. I have traversed off the beaten trail temporarily, and I find myself trying to reinvent myself to accomplish something that brings me gratification. For me, it is about the idea, which pushes me to higher levels of production of all sorts of self-fulfilling accomplishments and achievements.
Hey so I broke some bones, need major surgeries, what a great time to overwhelm myself with goals I demand of myself to meet at a level worthy of the distinction I so desperately seek. God, I sound pathetic, and no wonder I love school. Doing the hours of work, and relishing the final grade for approximately 30-45 seconds. I had a therapist say to me, “Corey, you are too smart for this reward system you are so defined by daily. Think about the hours of ‘work’ you engage in to hopefully receive the ultimate grades or approval you desire. Your reward is no longer than 45 seconds. Do the math.” I did the math and I am still a monkey in my own circus.
Now that I am not in classes, I find myself getting up even earlier than before, because the to-do list I created on that dreadful app Wunderlist, grows by the hour. I am driven to accomplish, and no I am not happy with just any mass production, it must be on its way to stellar for me to relax. So this morning during the maniac’s hour of 2:30 am, I didn’t know whether to read my books I have listed to plow through, work on my new blog dedicated to my anorexia, or to keep up with all my social networking sites. I literally went from book, to internet, to writing, and couldn’t for the life of me get settled into one task.
I admit…I am petrified of being failure porn…..
BORN THIS WAY-2016