Life Lines-Oh How I Need Them These Couple of Days

There are moments in our lives where we need a life line. I am currently really struggling with my anorexia recovery. This blog that I started for lots of reasons holds a special place for me to share my anorexia journey from the start to the present day. I use this blog to write about all sorts of everyday life thoughts and ideas, but I know the blog is always here for my anorexic outlet when I want to share it, or when I am in crisis like I am right now.

I have been blessed with the time and chance to start telling my entire story. I wrote earlier how I was struggling today with my recovery. I also have mania which means I don’t need to sleep very often on any given night. This morning I awoke at 12:30 am to start my day and go all day long. It is amazing the things I can get done. My mania for me is a life line for my anorexia. It takes my time and energy. It distracts me from twisted thoughts, or even actually planning how I am going to lose the weight I have worked so hard to put on. When I am in my right mind like in this moment, I hear and see the insanity of my anorexia; I am on the verge of throwing months and months of hard work away. Nevermind the jolt of a relapse for myself or more importantly for my fragile body. What about my loved ones who are just starting to believe that I might be actually turning the corner to real, solid recovery? I sat here this morning and thought of taking diet pills I bought which would do more than the trick I am looking for. What the hell am I doing with these diet pills to begin with? I am so thankful for this blog to I capture my thoughts, whether they are twisted or right now healthier.

I need to reach out to my family, get someone to come over and help out. I have made this mistake too many times, thinking I had control of my anorexia. Not so, not the case at all, I am a complete submissive to this disease. I recognize this thought as growing progress, and part of a step in my recovery. It is so damn tenuous all the time, as my anorexia has not cleared my mind, and have things  moments like I wrote this morning, where I AM making progress as hard as it hurts. All in a flash it can be thrown out the window. What gets thrown out is no small piece of paper it is my life, my health, and my future, my relationship with my daughter and also all the people who love and support me through this uphill battle.

I am trying to use this blog and everyone who reads it to hold me accountable. For here I come write about the truth as it is. Knowing there is a blog and many followers helps keep myself somewhat in a line. Although earlier today I was quite close to tossing it all away. That shit depresses me and makes me realize how deep this sickness runs. I am not stable yet, I think I need more intervention than I am getting. It is the only way to keep from a relapse, that will surely kill my soul along with the hearts of the people I love.

I am thankful for my mania, it helps me in these moments to stay on track. Like with this very blog I started in the last day of April, I committed to myself to write two blogs a day. An  hour ago I was so upside down the thought of a another post wasn’t even a consideration. With the mania, I can pull it together sometimes, and like now fulfill two important goals: staying on the right side of my anorexia and keeping my blogging commitment which is very important to me. I know my blogging leaves lots of room for improvement but I have seen a lot of growth in the short time I have been writing everyday. I feel like I am starting to establish a mixture of posts from anorexia to everyday and far away thoughts I want to share.

I hope you know as my followers today, and the people who read my writing you are making a huge impact in my life that I am not so sure I know how to thank you. I appreciate all of those who read this, and are patient as I learn my way. Today is a tough one I know it will challenge me right to the end in into early tomorrow morning. I will need to reread this post for some encouragement and straight minded thinking. This disease is so complex it gets you from every direction. It is like you are a boat with many holes, and you’re trying to plug up every single one. It’s not possible. I am going to post my next part in my story later today or early this evening. I will be starting tomorrow with an everyday topic. Have any suggestions throw them my way. I promised to stay away from politics, probably one of my best decisions yet when it comes to my blogging!

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Never Again-Unsteady Recovery June 9, 2016

I have been chronicling my journey with the insidious anorexia I got sick with over two years ago, and had a much slighter bout in 2007-2008. I am writing my story as part of my blog, I am up to like a year ago at Christmas. Every now and then I have to blog about the me and now and where I am and where I am not with this illness.

Where I am now is between a possible upturn in my recovery or sliding down the slippery slope to get to a more twistedly more comfortable weight for my mind and my psyche. I wrote about 10 days ago that I had gained about 8 pounds. It was such a big deal as I crested 100 pounds. I even took my first selfie for Facebook in over two years. It was a momentous time, but is always the case there were mixed emotions.

I had grown out of my smallest kids clothes, and that was all healthy and good, right? Sure if you are of a healthy mind, but for me I met it with complicated feelings that triggered a set back I am battling right now. It is why I write about today, because I am in need of what I don’t know, but something from holding me back from losing a quick 6 pounds. I believe I just put on the weight too fast, and I need a more measured gaining approach.

I see the bullshit as I write it, and realize hey another excuse, from ultimately reaching recovery. For when I reach recovery, and I maintain my goal weight I can never slip back to this chaos and destructive behaviors. My thoughts about food are healthier than they were. I think about eating, and I do eat, and sometimes I look forward to a certain food. My problem is the numbers, 100 percent. It starts with the scale, and comes around to the size of my clothes. I am obsessed with being slight, when my entire life I was happy with slender.

Right now, I have to be honest, I bought some really good efficacious diet pills that will drop 15-20 pounds off me, and put me right back to square one, but in those tiny, tiny jeans, I never thought I could wear. I haven’t opened the diet pills and I remain rather reluctant to take them, because I don’t trust to just use them to lose 6 pounds. I worry deeply it would send me into relapse, and I and my loved ones, need me to get better. This has taken a toll on everybody. I still am not near where I ought to be.

So I write out to the Universe right now, and I pray for help. I pray to be honest, and not go deep inside myself, where I am and get so content to live my life as an anorexic. As long as my health is not in imminent danger, what the fuck am I saying? I have anorexia my life IS in imminent danger, no matter whether I develop acute symptoms or not.

So what shall it be today? I feel in all honesty I must just take my recovery, moment to moment at this time. If I do that, I might be okay, although I have no clue how I am going to proceed with weight restoration and recovery. Right now, I am trying to hold on to a gain that was significant. It put my at 100 pounds and showed people I love, I could get a little better, as they haven’t had much hope in me.

Everyone is burnt out, including myself to a point. I got sick on a much smaller scale, in 2007-2008. Everyone thought that was really bad. Wow, this time they about croaked. I had no idea I could get so small. I know one thing and I know it very well. Once my medical team and I, figure out how to get me to stable recovery, I can NEVER get sick with anorexia again. For starters my body won’t make it. Secondly, I would give up hope. For now I don’t see or feel like a lifer, although this time has gone on too long. A third time, and another trip to Walden and I wont even be able to convince myself of another recovery.

Right now I am in such a critical position, I either move forward to recovery or slip back even just six pounds and give up my life to this disease.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Forever Young

We hear things all the time like age is number or you are only as old as you feel. I think these statements bear some true on many levels.

I grew up with a childhood that I have long since buried and moved on. I wasn’t able to be a kid, play, be silly, goof off, or “just be.” I had a father who saw to it that I missed every great part of being a kid. As a result to get through those times when I wasn’t sure I was even going to live, I made a promise to myself. If I lived through my father’s torture I would stay a kid forever and never grow up.

I have kept this promise and I will be 40 in October. Between my playful personality and young looks people always card me and think I am in my twenties.

I hang out with my daughter’s friends parents and I am like they are so old it it’s ridiculous. You have to laugh, live, and have a good time. Of course I am a true adult to my daughter, and I excelled in the investment world while I worked. Now I am back in school, working on my PhD. That gives me lots of opportunities to be as young as I want to be. I am not mature, but carry on very intellectual conversations, its just not what I want to do with my entire life. I live on the beach and try to make everything fun and memorable. Too many people take themselves too seriously and they are old before their time.

It depresses me to see people around 40. I start to get all panicked and worried I am getting old. I prefer to laugh as much as possible, there are enough serious and sad things in the world already. I don’t wear clothes that my daughters friends parents wear. Why would I want to dress like my parents? I am a flip flop and shorts with tee-shirt person at least three seasons out of the year. Think about how miserable most people are, they are not grateful or thankful and see nothing good in their lives. Not the life for me no matter my age, in fact with turning 40, I am all done with celebrating a number. I am just happy to still be around.

I believe there are some miserable people that don’t realize how good their lives are, and they need a near death experience ( a figure of speech) to awaken them to the very goodness in their lives. I believe that having a child keeps you so young at heart in so many ways. You get to live another childhood as they live theirs. Please you stay hip to the latest things, memes, you name it. No my daughter and I have a very strong parent-child relationship, but we enjoy bringing new things to one another’s attention. I don’t often spring on her something she doesn’t already know, but recently I scored a couple of big ones. All well in fun and play.

So don’t grow up before you have to, and avoid becoming a total grown up always.

There are times to be mature and act your age, but there are just as many moments to slip back, be young at heart and realize once again why this is such a wonderful life.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Hillary Wins-Dreams Do Come True

Since February of 2007, when Hillary Rodham Clinton declared her candidacy for President I have  been forever changed. I am not the type of person who looks up to other people. I respect, but never envy never think there is ever much difference between myself and other people. Then I met Hillary. Hillary mesmerized me with her fight, her intellect, and the oh so carefully planned life of public office she had laid out for herself and fulfilled. I had never been a part of politics. Heck voting wasn’t even important to me really.

As soon as the Clinton Campaign opened up their offices in Dover in August of 2007, I was there. I didn’t know  a thing about politics, canvassing, phone banking, any of it. I just wanted to be close to her. One day I am driving with my mom, a Floridian Republican and I see a sign for Hillary Clinton. She was going to be speaking at some low-income housing community center. I whipped the car around, my mother angry as a hornet as she detested the Clintons, and I had us at this little community housing center. I have had the privilege of hearing a lot of really great orators speak, including Bill Clinton on more than one occasion. Hillary swept me off my feet at that community center. Yep, for sure, crushing out on someone pretty up there age wise. I was smitten. I started as a volunteer who went to the office every single day, just to be  around the atmosphere that being a part of Hillary Clinton was all about.

Soon I was hired as staff, and got more opportunities to hear Hillary, meet Hillary, get to know her, and have tons of pictures of her with myself and my family. I have never believed in a cause or a person and their vision, and then came Hillary. I knew she was the person who should be president, and every day I knew it just a little bit more. I worked tirelessly sometimes 16 hour days. Hillary did it, so we did it too. I have never taken my style or persona from anyone, except Hillary Clinton.

Well we worked our asses off and she won NH by 2% points on primary day. Then it was over. She was gone. I fortunately got picked for the national campaign and travelled from one state to another. Boy what a lightening rod. Never have met a person who sparks such fierce intensity both positively and negatively. We all now what happened 8 years ago yesterday June 7, 2008-she conceded the race to Obama. Hell no I was still for Hillary, and on election day I wrote her in for President of the United States.

This primary election I was different and well so was Hillary. I saw her flaws now, so I didn’t jump into the campaign like I was expected to. I couldn’t get it together. Then this Spring as I distanced myself from her, email-gate, and other problems I started to think with Trump crushing the GOP side, and well Bernie being Bernie, and never a true democrat, I started getting those feelings on a mature level for Hillary. I was continually asked to join the campaign  and I didn’t.

Then two weeks ago a call that I knew might change my life came in. Are you in it through November for the general? Could this really happen? I debated, hedged, said yes, told my family and school no, but Sunday I got an email that did change my life. I got asked for a specific role that was part of the brains of the campaign. I said yes, I am in it through the general. Yes I realize I will be all over the country for 5 long months away from my Bella more than I feel comfortable with. They immediately hooked me up for yesterday from  New York. I was part of intense conversations, and changing priorities all day. I loved every minute of it. I knew she needed officially 71 delegates to clinch and it had already been declared on the superdelegates alone.

I was in New Hampshire but really in California yesterday. Her win in Cali was the defining moment of what has been a brutal relationship between Hillary and the Universe. I got to see my person in this world, who I look up to, who has taught me really what it means to work hard and really how to find your voice become a part of our country’s history forever.

I am so excited for this once in a lifetime opportunity. My ex-wife told me, if I didn’t do this I would regret it for the rest of my life. I am in Washington DC today, actually I am late already. But I had to get this out. I strongly believe I am working for the next President of the United States. I will make sure I look good everyday for work, because when I get my photo opportunity I am seizing it completely!

I  feel for Bernie and his supporters. We were there 8 years ago yesterday. It sucks and you never really get over it. However, I am committed to doing everything and anything I can to ensure Hillary gets back to the White House.  What a time in our history. What a time for Hillary Rodham Clinton. No one has worked harder or fiercer than she has I don’t care who you throw out there against her. Polls mean nothing, but it is nice she holds a 10 point advantage over Trump and she hasn’t even gone to town on that fucker yet. Never mind the President Obama affect he will have on the American people. He will get the Sanders voters, since Sanders is such a sore sport and not a team player. Proving not be a Democrat or a Party comes first player. His character is in question with a lot of the DNC, funny I mention it when I work for HRC. She has had some miss steps, but has proven for long, she is the only person for this job.

I will not forget last night ever, the intro video leading up to her speech was crazy ending with her concession to Obama, exactly 8 years ago yesterday! I am most happy and this never mattered, but this opens the door for other women. I was never  a fan of Hillary because she was a woman, I thought she was always the strongest candidate hands down. Now my Bella who is rabid about Hillary needs to lead a squaeaky life for her dreams of now I can say running for President of the United States. For that gift, through all Hillary’s tireless work, I am most grateful that my little girl can dream as big as she possibly wants to. What a gift, a legacy to leave behind, and she isnt even President yet!

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-201611044533_824794500936266_4208986387436328327_n

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second Opinions………

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this for school, but it applies to work projects too in general. I don’t think we should have one superior in academia grading our papers, whose grades directly affect our careers. Too many times in a classroom, we don’t write or speak freely, because we know we are not in concurment with the professor and don’t want to risk our good standing. So a lot of us do it; we ass kiss to get along with the professor we have. We write for their thoughts and opinions instead of own.

It is easy to lay blame on this inauthentic dynamic on the student, who should be writing what they say and feel. However, everybody plays down grades, and every professor lets you know you are at their mercy. Especially in the humanities where there is so much room for discussion or debate. I prefer the hard science classes, where you can actually despise your teacher, they can be aware of it, and you still get your deserved grade. Why should one professor have the last say on my paper or essay for Comp class? At least two very different professors should work in teams, and grade collaboratively. I think I am on to something that might change the course of how professors flex their muscle. They always pick out their favorites, and it isn’t the ones at the top of the class. For the top students challenge professors the most.  Most professors are not broad shouldered to take it in stride, instead you are encroaching on their intellectual space.

I had a situation last fall in English comp class. I love writing it isn’t my gift, but my passion no doubt, and I had a final research paper due for the end of the term. The prompt from the professor was to try to tell a story within the structure of a research paper. I struggled with this, and was given the choice (wink wink) to write up a straight research paper, which our professor prefaced by saying was really boring writing. I wanted to stand up and say you haven’t read my paper yet, but her mind was made up, so I went with her suggestion to write a story within a research paper.

Deadlines for professor drafts were missed due to the professor having a family emergency. So in the end, we all lost out on time to rewrite our edited papers. I felt that I finally got my paper to a place, where I could work on it. The professor got it back to me late and the semester was ending so I had no chance except for an extension. I went through the proper channels and requested an incomplete I would finish in just a couple of weeks. I met with my professor and was eager for feedback but something was not right about us. She agreed to the incomplete, although she felt my paper was in good enough shape to get me an A.  I knew for me, I needed to rip it apart in some major places.

So after I met with the professor, and got the sign off on the incomplete. I brought it to the requisite office. It was a Tuesday and the semester ended Friday so my paperwork was turned in with plenty of time. Grades closed on Friday and over the weekend I worked feverishly on my paper I was starting to get excited about. I had a good story in this research paper. The next week grades were due and I got an email on the slimy side from this professor I had once cared about, saying the English department head had turned down my request for incomplete. My professor just flatly gave me an A. I pushed her buttons on many levels, but getting that A, for a paper that wasn’t even finished or read, left me feeling pretty hollow, and mistreated and let down by this professor. I paid for the class, and did not get the review of my work I deserved. Her point she was making, well I only wanted an A, so she gave it to me, and of course it meant nothing to me at all.

This often happens in the workplace too, when our work is reviewed by just one person who makes decisions on our performance. Elementary schools and some middle and high schools had turned to the “team” approach. It is much more fair to the students and the employees, who have trouble with particular superiors. We are all people and we are all not going to get along or like one another. It shouldn’t matter if you professor doesn’t like you, its your work not you that is supposed to be graded. This same English professor admitted openly to having her favorites and the kids she really didn’t like. I am not saying it affected her grading, but think about it how could it not influence her opinions of work done by kids she didn’t care for?

So second opinions started with medicine, and moved out in to other parts of the world. People now get 4-5 estimates for jobs they need done, or automotive work it is the same. We are all comparison shoppers, but that is not my point, I believe there should be a paradigm established for review of a students work by a team, as well as built in safety guards in the workplace, so if you have a shitty boss you wont stay there and rot.

Power in the hands of just one person, either in school or the workplace is not very settling to me at all. I am going to suggest a change in the grading requirements of the school. I know right now when  a student has a problem with a grade it goes to the chairperson. The chairperson, come on, of course they are going to back the professor. I would like to see the school detail the number of challenged grades, and what really happened in the end. Sure there is a system and its flawed, it called cronyism, at its worst.

 

The basis of all this, power and ownership is part of insecure professors and bosses who don’t want you to succeed as they too struggle in their own universe to make it and climb the ladders they so aspire.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

A New Evolution

I have been talking about presumably working on the HRC general election campaign for a couple of weeks now. Tonight two things have changed. One Madame Hillary has the number of delegates she needs going into today’s big primary in California, New Jersey, Ne Mexico and 3 other states. This makes working the campaign not a presumable task but an actual task. Second, yesterday I got written notification that I was accepted as a Fellow in the HRC campaign.  This is different than what I did before as a Fellow you get up close and personal with the politics themselves, as well as work your ass off.; all done with an overall academic presence.

I am sitting here during the maniac’s hours a bit overwhelmed. The thought of a new day dawning and a female president is right in front of us.  I have a meeting at school today to meet with advising to work out my situation.  I need to be sure I don’t end up losing my place at school and that I can more ahead with changing my major if possible.

I am excited about the opportunities to work on the presidential campaign as well as see what will happen during the next five months in our national history. I have to really focus hard on my plans and make solid plans ahead of time to see Bella, as much as possible. I am in unchartered waters for myself, as I haven’t had a full-time job since 2002 although I worked the campaign in 2008 and the primary these year. This is going to be full on tilt non-stop.

It might sound weird but I am interested in what the general is really going to look and feel like. Both Trump and Clinton will come out swinging hard punches, no doubt. It is time for me to think about all facets of my life as I move forward into new territory. I call this a new evolution yet it isn’t just about the campaign and HRC versus Trump as it is about me and my life and the turning points this brings to my life at this juncture. I am not settled down, I haven’t completed school, I am still a full time parent to Bella, and I have a needy pug, as well as an entire household to run. No one to do it for me, I am on my own. I see this is a challenge, one that scares me. I have been looking to be scared more often in my life’s pursuits. I think it is good practice and necessary to step out of your comfort zones.

I really didn’t think when I was approached by the campaign that I would ever seriously put up with working on the campaign full tilt and that I would forgo my schooling for a bit of time, to see this through.  Yesterday, I was one of the beta testers for a new calling system for the HRC Campaign . I made like 30 calls to California to test the new application out. It felt good to do that, and at that time I hadn’t heard back from the Campaign regarding the Fellow position, so I think it looked good for me to get out there and make those calls regardless if I had the Fellow position or not. I am happy that I was one of the first testers of the phone app. We were to make 12 calls, and I made thirty one calls, so I did put in an effort.

Today I have to start getting in touch with my life on all fronts. I have the school advising appointment and I have so much other planning to do.  I am super stoked about the opportunities that have come my way and I thank God for all the blessings in my Universe. I have gotten really fortunate and working with school today should really help me put forth my cause, in helping the campaign. It frees me to work as  much as I can now through the general election. Everybody working on the campaign will be in a new place, with the presidency on the line. I know they will bring in lots of seasoned politicos who will advise and help, and the Obama factor will be quite big.

I promised not to speak of specifics in politics, so I want to end this with a thanks to all the democratic and republicans that wanted to be president. Thank you for your time and service to this Country. We are down to the wire as the polls open soon. I will be busy today, with wondrous thoughts and feelings going into this New Evolution. It is something our country has never witnessed before.

Today I can name at least few comfort zones I am not in. The first is the summer situation with Bella. I am nervous to be away from her. The second is Julia Bleu, she so depends on me, and finding anyone to watch her is going to be tough. The third is school, and I want to be sure I get things just right. I don’t want any of my courses not to count and I don’t want to lose my membership in the honor society. I will have to write to them and explain what is going on, I really cant allow myself to slip up that way. The fourth way, I am out of my comfort zone, is just working this campaign through the general. My life is so free and without restrictions, and I feel almost like I am entering the military. However at the end of all of this, is an incredible once in life time opportunity, I have been fortunate to be a part of. One way or another history will be made, I probably should add working on a presidential election to my bucket list. This is my only shot at such an opportunity.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Binding Judgement on Soulmates

Today is a reminder to me that as people we are all so different in our nature. I befriended a person, three months ago, and we hit it off right from the start. There was no getting around some major differences; the way we lived and the way we were raised. I don’t think anybody is ever any better than someone else. Unless of course you talking the treatment of others, children, or animals.

This friend I will call Frank, was a dynamic guy and he had a good sense of humor. I liked him for his simple ways, but come to find out he was much more complicated. Our friendship took off, we texted everyday, soon the phone calls started. He had romantic feelings towards me, I was straight up honest I had a girl that was my dream girl, in Stephanie. Looking back, Frank never respected much of anything I ever did say. Especially when it came to Stephanie, he would dismiss it and move right past that part. It was a real warning call that I missed, because I wanted Frank as my friend.

We finally spent an entire day together just like 5 or 6 weeks ago. No it wasn’t romantic for me in anyway, I felt 110% platonic. Frank kept making innuendos, and quite frankly I thought they would pass in time. This sort of attraction from the start is something sadly I have lived with my entire adult life. I want to be friends with somebody, and they cant get past the rest of me. I have worked really hard since my divorce to be the best Corey I can be to everybody, and learn from the mistakes in my marriage.

The day with Frank was quite magical. I thought perhaps I had really found a long lost soulmate, and with my girl I will marry I thought wow isn’t this the best thing that could happen? Didn’t quite turn out that way. As I said we had a great day together, and spent the entire day just the two of us and my pug, Julia Bleu. We drove up to the beach and took a walk on the shore, we went out for seafood and then came back to my place. I believed we were both on the same page, thinking that perhaps we were really soulmates. We hung out at my house for a couple of hours, chatting away, and making plans to get together again real soon. Nothing about it was sexual for me, and I don’t think it was for Frank either. Perhaps I am wrong, I have obviously proven that in the bigger picture. However I never felt uncomfortable, and was totally at ease. I felt Frank read me pretty well. Except for the sexual comments that I thought would die and change as he got to know me better and know what I liked and what I am attracted to, and who I want to spend my life with. I told Frank it was so great to be soulmates, we would always be in each others lives.

It started going on 7 pm and Frank had an hour drive in front of him to get back to his house. So we sadly ended the great day, with the promise of many, many more times to hang out and visit.  When Frank left I felt really happy, and I was excited to tell my girl all about it later that evening. Frank and I continued to grow our friendship, and we had interaction as well on Facebook. It was there that things started to change, and I got nervous of what was to come. One weekend day I posted things about Stephanie and I and it really hit him hard. He was not okay, felt off at work, it was then I realized we shared some similar feelings but also there were many we did not share in common. We got through that hump, but he still wouldn’t hear me, and his response was too intense and his temper too hot for my liking, so I began to back off. It was so crazy as we had such a good time, and were developing an amazing repore.

Sadly things didn’t  get better. After that incident I stopped posting about Stephanie, and I felt like I was under a microscope. I really thought I had a good feel on him. Obviously I didn’t or he hide the other parts. One of the last straws was I had my daughter here, and when I have her I don’t share my time with anybody. She is my number one priority. He had no respect for my relationship, saying I just could have called for a couple of minutes when my daughter Bella was here. No not happening, and none of the people in my life who know me at all, would ever say a word about my time with Bella. From that point we never really recovered, we talked again, but  that the magic was gone. He was getting more overt with the sexual under tones and saying he wanted to marry me.

It is such a sad day, as we get older we don’t make as many new friends. Especially the kind that Frank and I were, so filled with potential and years and years to share together. We got each other to a point, but the physical is what killed us for sure. I was growing more disenchanted with him, and he was always taking our friendship to a place friendships don’t go. In my heart I think he could have cared less about the soulmate connection. It was the most important part of he and I being in each others lives. We were just so different as night and day. The particulars don’t matter, but our own life’s differences didn’t get in anyway, I thought wow more people should be ought to be friends with people much different themselves in everyday life. I have been rather angry and now I am so pissed. My girl wasn’t here last night and he called. We spoke for awhile and then he said, I need to tell you something will you give me two minutes? I said yes and this is how it went:

“Corey,I want to spend my entire life with just you sweetie. I love you more than anything in this world, and if you marry someone else it will be a big mistake.” I heard those words and I was both sad and angry. There was not an ounce of respect for any part of the important things in my life.  This afternoon he calls to say hi. I was so so about talking to him. I knew in my heart, he wasn’t going to be able to be my soulmate, and after some of his awful behavior I really didn’t recover from his drama. So today, after I went to bed last nigt, with what he just said, and me not saying anything, he drove up and spent the night with someone he has known for a long time. And oh by the way for companionship reasons they are know in a relationship. Now Frank’s mental health is clearly an issue and needs to be addressed by professionals. I was so pissed that I have tried to respect his feelings without not being true to myself and to my girl. He just comes out and now he is in a relationship?? I could care less except for the grief he caused me on more than one occasion. I have to be careful not to say what I feel, he who I thought was truly special enough to be my soulmate, is nothing but a sleazy middle-aged guy. How did he think anything but friends was possible he is 10 years older than me? I cant say much more or else I will just be mean. He has been mean and selfish enough for the two of us. I hate to do it, but I have passed judgment and it is binding. I told him not to contact me, and I blocked him on facebook, I know he thought I would be nice once again and this would pass. This judgement is binding, he said he would mail my favorite movie I lent him 6 weeks ago. I texted one last time, and said keep it, no more contact whatsoever.

Funny I am not sad, the magic was really gone, and he was just being a dirtball sleazebag which fits his life story to a T. I am happy that is over, and I can be myself. My mistake was not wanting to make him mad, by what made me happy, which is my dream girl Stephanie. I feel this is a real turning point for me, I will not be letting anybody else into my life. My life is pretty amazing, and I cant take any chances. Lastly, what am I doing compromising myself? I know better than that, and that is what I need to focus on going forward today. I have no real ill-will just for his slimy greaseball guy antics, I thought in my life I would never experience them again. He fooled himself and he fooled me too

. I learned many lessons today for sure, the best that when I am pushed I fight back and don’t take horeshit from anyone. We are all old enough to respect each other as people. I see so many warning signs in hindsight. Now that I wrote about it, it is truly done. I cant wait to see my Stephanie tonight, and post my happiness on my facebook pages. I am grateful this happened so quick. Caught me off guard, not used to his behaviors but I handled it well and I came out much better than I was this morning. Thanks to the power of post-divorce therapy!

Recovery Exhale-Real Time In June 2016

I have been writing all about my anorexia for the past 5 weeks. I am just getting started with my first recovery, which was like a year ago. Today I need it to be about now. I am feeling like I am on the slippery slope.

Summer is hard, we all show so much body, I love it when I am healthy. Right now though, I just hit a high of 100 pounds like 8 days ago, and I feel it. I feel it everywhere. In my belly, my thighs, all except my face. I feel big, and I don’t feel trim, I always before anorexia when I weighed 30 pounds more felt thin and always slender. Is this body dysmorphia at its worst? I feel like I am more hungry too, and I am constantly bloated with liquids.

I have been waking up in the night to go to the bathroom 3 or 4 times. I know I am retaining fluids. a I am already starting to make my plans to take this all away, and get back to what I can handle. Right now, I am in just big loser mode. I have conceded that I have put on the extra weight. Too much weight for me personally, I don’t really care what others think. It is twisting my head, and I feel so out of control, with the weight and the eating.

I realize this is also very healthy if you’re my doctor or loved ones. I have finally hit 100 pounds, and my smallest kids pants are too tight, a hard pill to swallow. I don’t know what happened to derail me. Thankfully I can still wear all my shorts from last summer. I just FILL them out. However as long as I can get into them I seem to be okay. It is days like today when I need to get dressed up for a family function, and my clothes are not my friend, its so hard to take. I honestly feel like I don’t have the will power to restrict as I want when that’s what I want to do. I don’t know if I could abstain or not, and that really bums me out.

Right now I am dying inside emotionally. People are so happy, I do look better. But I feel so shitty and I just need to take a couple pounds off, maybe to just prove it to myself. Today, I am going out to eat, yeah I know it couldn’t get much worse. All these people are going to compliment me on my progress, and I will wish to God I could be a bulimic because I would purge everything I eat today. I don’t know why, but I can’t do it, I have tried and tried and doesn’t work.

I am sorry if this is triggering to you, I have a great story to continue telling. Just today is real, and its very hard, so I needed to get to the present for just this emergency. I will not take away from the entire rest of the story. I feel so conflicted, and wish I had some mood altering natural remedies. No I have never used illicit drugs, and today I will probably have a drink, just to put my mind at ease for a couple of hours, then I can deal with those calories too. I am starting a new exercise regime tomorrow first thing in the morning with my dog. I have gotten too far away from my comfort zone that for me takes time to expand and grow. I just made too big of a leap, and I will start to rectify it tomorrow.

Foe today, and this very moment, I pray for strength because I just feel like canceling. Canceling is what I used to do,, to everything and everybody. So not an option mostly for myself, as it would fuck up my head worse than it already is today. I am beyond tears, although they are right there. I feel so disgusted at myself. Anger is something I am feeling really strongly, not sure if it is because of this situation, or something deeper.

To boot since I hit 100 pounds 8 days ago I posted a selfie, and today I posted a selfie in black and white on my Facebook account. Compared to my profile picture it does look different but I thought my skin and face looked better. I have gotten a lot likes on it and I will post it here today. One person said, it wasn’t that I was thin, “I was tired and gaunt and it wouldn’t  matter what I weighed I wasn’t taking care of myself.” This didn’t hurt me, and I don’t think he is right. In my profile picture I have a great big smile and I wasn’t feeling it today obviously. What bothered me was he said I wasn’t taking care of myself.  I do worry I have caused my body serious damage with this disease, and it just set me off, to worrying about if there is something now really off in my body? It is just a comment from a good old man, who didn’t like my pose; he wanted the Corey smile. I thought the picture which is all natural except for it is black and white came out pretty good. If anyone is like me you have stayed out of pictures for as long as you looked like shit. Nope I don’t take them, and finally felt well enough, now I am gaunt and tired and not taking care of myself….what the freaking fuck is that about?

I pray to God, to whom I pray all the time, that I make it until the this afternoon’s event. I don’t get picked up until 2 it probably starts at 3 pm so I wont get home until after 8pm, when I will be cooked as a goose. It isn’t going to be pretty.

 

I apologize for the transgression today, I feel a bit better, and probably have time for my next blog. I hope you all have a wonderful day. I just need my mania to return, not very often does it leave me. Once that is back I will be good to go, and I will get some good blogging done today and tomorrow.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Leaving Walden Was It a Mistake? part 5

We jetted down to the mall a couple of towns away, and went into this completely over-packed shopping fiesta all in search of Santa.  Until this moment, I hadn’t thought about the ramifications of the little kids, waiting while a big person sat on Santa’s lap and told him the long list of must have’s for Christmas or at least the New Year.  It was like 5 pm and I said to Stephanie as we looked at the massive, curling and double curling line to see Santa, “Do you want to go to Best Buy, Ulta

, and Barnes and Noble first? The line might die down.” “Okay, but sweetie I am worried you are out doing too much today. Can we please just slow it down and we will get everything done. How about we go to Chipotle? You love that pork salad bowl there?” “Okay, that would buy as more time, before dealing with Santa. “These little kids were starting to intimidate me.

We walked back out of the mall and had to drive to the place where everywhere we wanted, or I should I wanted to go was located.  Stephanie piped in, “Chipotle first? I think it would be best for you to eat something, and I am sort of hungry too.” “Stephanie, if you are hungry of course we will go there first. Is this all about me? It is isn’t it? I am so sorry, and I don’t know how to fix it.” “Corey, I love you, you are my only and best friend, nothing is just about you; you wont allow it,” “You sure/” “Corey Britton, I will attack you right here if you don’t snap out of it.” Okay, I snapped out of it.” “What are you going to have?” I asked Stephanie. I couldn’t remember what she got here. “I think I will have a taco bowl with chicken and guacamole.” “Sounds perfect,” I answered.  She knew my order exactly, so I left her to go in search of a blessed table. It is so hard to get seating in this place. Oh great, I found a table for two. I don’t like it when it is just us and we take up a table for four.

Stephanie arrived with the tray overflowing with food. I offered to go get our drinks.  I was actually feeling pretty good, until I sat down and looked at my food. All this, I have to eat? I immediately got tense and Stephanie noticed it. “Corey, just eat some meat with the sour cream, you always pick at these back at the house.” “Okay, I will eat some meat. How is yours my friend?” “As good as the last time. Yes, before you ask, yes I would order it again.” “I have this habit of asking people if they would order their food again. I did it after every meal, home or out.  “I will order mine again,” I said trying to be funny. “You didn’t get chips” I said. I will go get you some.” “No I am really fine with the food, and watching the company not touch their bowl except for one bite.” “Sarcasm, not like you my usually demur and lovingly sweeet friend. Here’s bite number two.” I took a bite of my pork with sour cream and reached across the table to give it to Stephanie. “Oh really nice,” she smirked.  I ate a couple more bites, but the diversion of the trip had been triggered off course by the food. I needed to eat, so I wasn’t mad, I just have such a hard time eating. Then my stomach kills after.  If you haven’t had an eating disorder you have no idea what type of pain I am talking about.  It is crippling, and sometimes heat packs, which I couldn’t use here, sometimes work a little bit.  I was done eating but I didn’t want Stephanie to rush. I felt badly we never ate like two normal people. I went and got a to-go lid and wrapped up my food.  Stephanie was happy I could tell, I think she thought I would be away for the holidays. We would have seen each other at Walden, it obviously wouldn’t have been the same. As I looked at her from a distance, I thanked God, for her and her amazing friendship. I would be lost without her. “Alright, that hit the spot, and I am just going to throw my stuff away.” “I got it” I said and walked over to the trash bin.

Next thing you knew we were out in the cold again. My stomach was killing me, but I wasn’t going to say anything to Stephanie. We ran into the stores, they were all so crowed and everyone was so grouchy. Put a damper on my mood, with my stomach ache that was the worst. We got the bare minimum of the things we needed to get, and then I saw Staples. I love Staples. I never need a thing from Staples because I have already bought everything, but I cant pass one and not go. “Please may we? I know I need nothing, and I am losing steam, but it is  Staples.” “Five minutes, Corey, and I bet you ten dollars all you look at are pens and journals.” I took off as I knew she really meant five minutes, but my stomach cramps were getting worse.  I went to the pens, and bought refills for the pens I use, and I quickly went down the journal aisle.  I always needed a new journal. I had no idea where Stephanie was but I made my way to the front of the store to get into a longline. Maybe I didn’t need these things so much after all? Stephanie found me, laughed out loud, “What don’t want to wait half an hour for your must have refills and journals? ‘I could kill you. “No I don’t want to wait, do you think the line has gone down at Santa? “Let’s just go there and do it. It is something you really want to do.” “Yes until I saw all those vicious kids, who are going to be angry at me. I know I will tell them my daughter is sick and needs me to talk to Santa.” “Very good plan, they will be all your friends with that line.”

We walked into the mall and now my stomach hurt so much I told Stephanie I needed to sit down. She looked worried, but I mentioned it was just my stomach and I needed to sit still for a few minutes. We people watched and that was fun. Regular zoo parade, if you know what I mean. All of a sudden it hit me, I had already gone through today, and my eating was okay, but my activity was too high, what if the scale was down in the morning. Oh I felt really sick, and couldn’t get the scale out of my head. “Okay, I am ready for Santa, but is Santa ready for me?” “Let us go see,” smiled Stephanie.

We got over to the Santa area and he was not there. Oh my fuck, they closed at 7 pm. I missed him! I wanted to cry, but I was pissed too, as the sign was very small and not easy to see. “Corey, we will come when they open tomorrow, it is not a big deal.” “You know how I feel like when I say I want to accomplish something on a certain day?” “I know, but we cant fix it now, tomorrow we will get up and come. Come on Corey, you are so tired, I feel guilty being out with you. Let me go get the car, and meet me by the entrance over there.” “Okay” So I didn’t get to see Santa, I had my list already written out. Maybe I would change it by tomorrow. Gosh I felt sick, I wanted to puke, and get this crap out of my body. I cant puke as hard as I have tried, when people ask if I am a bulimic, I go nuts and say I am a complete restrictor. It is kind of like the hierarchy eating disorders. At least that is what anorexics who restrict think. Everyone else thinks we are just shit, and unkind for creating a pecking order. Seems natural to me, but you really cant talk about it, as it freaks the freaky out of people. I just keep my superior thoughts to myself, which is why my fucking stomach will not quit. Maybe it was the sour cream. I ate like three bites, but that is enough. I walked over to the exit and Stephanie was already waiting there. “That was fast!” I said “Yes, I ran all the way, to get out of the cold. The car should warm up in a minute. All your seat warmers are on high. Do you want a couple heating packs for your stomach?” “Oh my God yes! I am in so much pain. It wont go away, I think it was the sour cream.” I put the heating pads on my stomach, and tried to close my eyes and relax.

My mind was on fire with all these mangled thoughts: not enough weight on the scale, cant possibly do Radical Will…..it would not stop, and I didn’t feel like I wanted to bother or worry Stephanie. My head, my servant, my master, and know my fucking worst enemy! I could only think about weigh in tomorrow, usually Stephanie doesn’t ask me. But because we did so much today, and I want to go out tomorrow, she will ask me in some sort of way. I don’t know what I will do, if the scale is down 2-3 pounds. I usually know the night before, I had eaten okay for me, but my energy was way up there. There would be a drop in the scale, and of course there was my mother. “How’s the scale today?” I could just hear it now, and it is something I don’t lie about. I stopped telling fibs when I was 19. My mother was the only one I lied to. She didn’t approve of my life style, or lets just say the beautiful women she never got to see, but kept me out all hours of the day and night. Sometimes she would ask me, “Where are you going?” I would be honest and say a club, and then came her attitude. So one day I had, had it with her. She asked me, “What are you doing?” I replied, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to tell you what you want to ear?” She got the point, and I don’t fib anymore, I am the worse liar. I out myself at the drop of a dime, people get so pissed at me. Don’t ask me to lie or to fabricate, although I do come up with great stories for others.  No matter what, my mother thinks I “tell falsehoods” as she calls them. No mom, you have not a clue, and please get with it, I mean how many years to work your IPad, and use the apps? You are supposed to be pretty intelligent, but my gosh she gets an idea in her head, and she makes herself believe it although it isn’t true. Thank goodness for my father, he has saved my ass so many times. She gets upset with me, that I want to go lay down in my bed and watch my Netflix. Tells me, well you are very antisocial. I could go on its another story, right now I cant handle tomorrow, the scale, and the calendar counting down. “Stephanie, what are you doing? I know why I have been quiet, but what are you thinking about?” “I was thinking probably what you were thinking….I know when you get lost in your head about weight. You are worried tomorrow the scale is going to be down, and so am I. How do you think I look to your family as your friend, who you lose weight with?” “Fine, don’t stay here. You can go home, I think I would if I could. Why would you stay in this bloody fucked up mess?” “Not the answer I wanted. You are not being nice.” Oh she said it, and I am a sucker for this, I never want to hurt a girl’s feelings, and they catch on and use it as psychological warfare. “I am very sorry, I am stressed about a lot of things, and I should never talk to you like that. I have so much stuff in my head.” “Do you want to talk about it? she sadly said. “No, I do I just think I need to decompress. Do you mind if when we get to the house, I just get ready for bed? I want to sleep on the top floor. Are you okay with that? I don’t want you to bring anything up, we will deal with like Santa, tomorrow.”

We pulled into the driveway, and made our way up to the porch. Julia Bleu, the pug, was so happy to see us. Why cant my mother be like that? I don’t need her to be a rocket scientist, just an unconditionally loving pug. Is that too much to ask for? We got up to the first floor, where all of stuff was located in the guest room.  “I will just run into the bathroom, and do my face and my teeth. Don’t, please, worry about doing a single thing around here.” I went to the bathroom and stared at that piece of shit scale with all my numbers taped to the wall. God could I hate myself anymore than I do right now? I did my face and my teeth, and Stephanie was in the kitchen still putting away groceries. “Okay, it is yours, unless you are going to use the one upstairs? ” “No I will be just a minute. Corey, do you think you can eat a bite or two of yogurt?” I wanted to cry, I wanted to say no, but I didn’t want to disappoint my best friend. “Yes, I will eat a couple bites, it should be fine back in the refrigerator tonight, right?” “Yes it will be fine.”

I ate some yogurt, it actually made my stomach feel better. I put the rest away, put the spoon in the dishwasher. I then climbed the stairs, two more sets to go. All I could think of is all this is doing is burning more calories. I was so happy to see my bed. I splurged and the bedding is right out of a 5 star hotel. My biggest sin, is luxury hotels, sparing no expense. I started to pullback all the layers, and move the 10 pillows about. Stephanie made her way up to the top floor, and helped me with the bedding. We got into the bed, my stomach was still killing me. I had too much on my mind, and ask Stephanie if she wanted to watch Orange is the New Black. She said that sounded great. I just wanted to take my mind mess and dump it on the floor. Stephanie came over to me, where I was playing with the remote controls, the Bose sound system went off at 10, nearly causing me a heart attack. What the fuck? How did that happen? One answer, my precious Bella. Yes, this was a sign she had been getting all snuggly in my bed. I got everything figured out, and Stephanie put her arm around me, so I could lay my head down. My mind was just racing, scared, stressed, and otherwise not specified.  I remember looking at the clock 11;10 pm. I would be up by 3:00am to weigh myself and get my second day of Radical Will underneath my belt.  Good Night Santa, I will have words for you tomorrow……

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

EDGE

I like edges. I like all  kinds of edges.  Edges of counter-tops, coffee tables, cars, you name it.  However today I am talking about my personality “Edge.”  We all are comprised of such different personalities.  My personality has edge that I claimed in NYC.  I love my edge, I do not feel like I have my edge when I am home in the seacoast of southern New Hampshire.

My edge started at 19, when I first got to NYC.  I came to the city with some cockiness, self-assuredness, and all the confidence an 19 year old kid could possible back. I didn’t realize that I happened to be in the best city in the world for my a bit over the top personality.  I got to NYC and I was like the nicest and sweetest person,  I was floored. Rude? I had never met people who were so rude. Impatient? A brand new meaning to this concept.  Not having impatience  got me at the end of the line every freaking time.

I started in NYC at 19, as a co-op student at Sachs and worked there through the age of 26.  NYC is now in my blood, the city runs through me.  I have less attractive qualities to others for my affair with NYC, but for me I am at my prime with my NYC edge. Edge is something that one is either open to, or forgoes it for higher ground.

I am a persistent, self-assured, I am part of the A-team, no make that the dream team, with attitude that would scare your daddy’s daddy.  Now up here in New Hampshire, my edge gets dulled I feel, and also has to be a lite version of the real deal. I have enough of a hard time in New Hampshire with my watered down edge, than my full-blown NYC edge.  Most people up in New Hampshire, just think I am inappropriate and for them I probably am to a large degree.  Not interested in being everyone’s friend, have my close group and that is all I need. However when we go out in neighboring Portsmouth on a Saturday night, we may be fewer, but we own the room. Yes, the eyes are on us. No we are not regulars. How boring would that be? We come in once a month and take our table. Some, a few have tried to break in, but it is air-tight closed group. Better chance getting into a group on Facebook.

Part of the edge is an almost demonic, dark sense of hilarious humor. No we are not mean, don’t make fun of anyone. Who needs to, they do it to themselves half the time. My academic friends are so over my edge, and the professors I have had up here wouldn’t know what I hit them with if I truly spoke what was on my mind. Suffice it to say, academics in New Hampshire, are just too important for themselves. It is why they hang out in Portsmouth every weekend and have no means of getting into the Harvard Club.

I am looking forward to the HRC campaign because it will bring many New Yorkers around, and it will be fast-paced, in your face, HRC doesn’t like it like that, type of work. I welcome to be challenged and please no, don’t make me suffer fouls anymore than I do up here at home. My edge is also a product of seeing a pretty fair amount of the world. It gives you a quiet confidence, and a way, an aloofness, of nomadic proportions.

So I guess I will be sharping my edge for the Campaign. I will be taking two on line classes this summer term, i will have to remember who I am speaking with, or emailing with.  In NYC there are no salutations or closings, just the bare bones facts and your initials all in lower-case. The reason being it adds time.  Of course I mean please and thank you, but not writing in an email. My edge doesn’t affect my manners, which thanks to a French mother are capable of being impeccable. I loathe poor manners, poor protocol, and most of all people who are petty and cheap.

Going to work on school today, lose some edge, but get it back for tomorrow with our HRC meeting. Maybe this time, gosh I am almost forty, I will keep my edge and forget the popularity contests.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016