Empty

Ever since my anorexia became an issue again this summer I have been fending off an emptiness that leaves me barren in a lot of ways.

Until this summer my road back from anorexia has not been easy or without curves in the road but I for the most part always felt after a certain stage in recovery, that I was on the road to well.

The road was long, the travel was slow. However, I still kept holding my own and making very small gains along the way.

I had yet to have a relapse and my mind was definitely healing from the anorexic mindset.  As of the last two months I have suffered not one setback but quite a few.  From losing weight that I was sure was now part of my new weight point to unsettling thoughts about not wanting to eat or to pass when I had the chance to eat.

The most frustrating part is I don’t know where this is coming from. I have not had a trigger or some turning point in fact I argue that I am not the only one with a negative relationship with food during the hot and humid days of the summer.

I believe to a lesser extent this happened last summer and I didn’t set off any alarms because I was not working on the Clinton campaign and exuding all kinds of calories that I don’t have to spare.

My emptiness comes from a place very deep inside of me. I don’t know why I have it but the emptiness makes me feel hollow and less whole as a person every day.  I feel pockets of vacancy running throughout me that I can not explain.  I can only say there used to be more of me there.

Part of the empty is my energy that with the weight loss has plummeted rapidly and I don’t feel I can do all that I was doing before. I am angry with myself for not getting involved more intentionally with my body and eating especially at the DNC where it was so obvious to me that I was not eating enough or as much as I usually do and I was working so much harder and longer days. I ask myself today, what was I thinking and why didn’t I do anything about it?

This is where the whole anorexia thing gets really complicated because I have questions of my own self that I have no idea how or what to answer. It is just as big a mystery to me as it is to an outsider looking down upon me.

I laugh as I write this but one way to get rid of the emptiness is just to eat. Fill myself up and stuff myself to the gills. I may still feel empty but I will be filled in another way.

I am going today down to get my daughter at volleyball camp with my ex-wife. I am not looking forward to seeing my ex-wife as she notices every change about me so this weight loss will not go unnoticed she mentioned to me last Sunday night, that I was having difficulty with maintaining my weight. That was before the DNC and the demise of my healthier eating habits.

I hope today I can get back to eating normally.  I just ate a yogurt and an applesauce. That is a good start for me. I will have my shakes and I am sure we will stop to go out to eat on the way home from Boston with Bella.

Stephanie isn’t coming she is going to stay with Julia Bleu and get caught up with paperwork for her practice while I go with my ex-wife. It is pretty rare that we don’t do things together but she would need to get this done when I was home and I got up extra early to get my anorexia blog out first thing this morning. I do feel better all over in general now that I have eaten. It might just be I have to force myself to eat because I can’t afford to lose anymore weight.

I am hoping that seeing Bella helps me feel somewhat better because seeing her makes me so happy maybe she is just the dash of fairy dust I need? To help me save myself from my own demise or worse a relapse.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Maniacal Musings July 29-30th, 2016

Thank goodness today is Friday and I am going home tomorrow. It has been a long week at the DNC. One that I will never forget!

Stephanie left early this morning but I had to work a rally so didn’t get to leave until Saturday morning. Yesterday Stephanie  made contact with John Hopkins and they are working out a comprehensive visit for me to come down and see as many specialists as possible.

I have been writing about having  a hard time eating and yesterday was no exception.  I got through almost two out of the three shakes but didn’t really eat anything else.  The rally was hot and crowded and drinks were scarce.

Yesterday morning I talked to Stephanie before she left and before she told me I should go to John Hopkins. She is just really worried about me and I think is bracing herself for the fall she thinks I am going to take.

I am hopeful with this morning, that I already  have a shake going. Being in the hotel there is no place to get a good coffee until it is time for me to head to the airport.  Stephanie told me to call her whenever I woke this morning but I want her to sleep. She is tired and needs to drive to the airport to pick me up. I spoke to her not that long last night. I was really tired and sleepy and was falling asleep on the phone.

One of my friends and I were supposed to speak  last night around 7:15 pm, after they got out of work. I called her at 7:15 pm and got her v-mail so I left her a message and I think I fell back to sleep before she called me. I had a missed call from her and  it was like only 15 minutes after I called her. I am pretty wiped out for sure.

I am looking to getting home. I have a lot to do I need to get ready for Stephanie to move in and this weekend my daughter Bella is at volleyball camp. I will go Sunday in the afternoon with my ex-wife to pick Bella up and see how she liked her camp and how she did. We will probably get something to eat on the way back home.

I am really excited. I started a new blog called HECTIC yesterday. I wrote my first post for it and got some good views. It is going to be more edgier than this one is and more for the late night crowd. I have had lots to write but no real place to put it and something came to me and I went with it. I will see how I do managing three blogs. One blog on another blog site I don’t really blog to directly. I take posts from here and copy them over to the other one. It is more academic so like my anorexia story is not part of that blog. They also as I  have mentioned do this Friday photography challenge based on a prompt. I have been participating and I did it again yesterday. The prompt was “narrow.” I will post a picture of what I posted.

I now have Stephanie on speaker phone, She called at 4:30 am knowing I was definitely up and she suspected I didn’t want to wake her up. I miss her it’s been a long time since we have slept apart and I didn’t like it one bit.

Today my flight is 9:20 am I will get to Boston before 12 pm. I will have Stephanie stop at my favorite Italian restaurant. I get the rigatoni with sausage and ricotta. I really love this dish and if something can make me eat it would be this. Stephanie is telling me that Julia Bleu is so happy to be back home. Stephanie went and picked her up last night from my ex-wife. We weren’t supposed to get her until today when I got back. Stephanie said she felt bad for Julia Bleu and the house was much too quiet with both of us gone. It must have sounded quieter than  a morgue no lie! It warms my heart and makes me feel good that Stephanie went to get Julia Bleu not just for her but because it was better for Julia Bleu. I love it when Stephanie and Julia Bleu share a moment-it is so awesome and Julia Bleu doesn’t know what to make out of Stephanie because she is so calm and pretty mellow unlike myself or Bella. Julia Bleu is actually pretty demure with Stephanie and doesn’t give her the trouble she gives to me.

Stephanie loves the energy of Julia Bleu and me or me and Bella. I miss my daughter so much and this week she has paddleboard camp all day long so I can’t get her for a few days without bringing her to camp everyday in the early morning. I will do it.  I want to see my daughter and spend as much time as I can with her.

It will be so much better once Stephanie and I are engaged and don’t have to play pretend although I doubt my daughter is stupid she will probably tell us when we tell her she already knew!  Stephanie is such a sweetie she doesn’t want to leave Julia Bleu at home when she comes to get me. So she is going to call that restaurant  and have two orders of the rigatoni ordered to go so we can just run in and pick it up so Julia Bleu doesn’t have to be left at home. It is too hot for her to wait in the car while we eat

.  Stephanie is the really honest to God best there is! I am going to finish here and I will write more once I am home from my trip and settled in. So much to write about, I will probably blog  on the plane coming hone this morning.

Peace Out!

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

My Anorexia Connecting the Dots-Can it Be Done?`

I put a call into my primary care who is going to call the endocrinologist today and set something up for my Radical Will Team.

I called Pam, my ED therapist and she thinks a new fresh intake is exactly what we ought to do for evaluation purposes. We are doing that by phone tomorrow. I am glad she felt that way I really can’t make sense out of the health of my mind at this time or anytime since I have been sick with anorexia.

I am trying to write and journal all I can. Being in Philly at the DNC with Stephanie is killing me. I get back home on Saturday.  I need to get my formula shakes  down as not finishing them is something all new. I am stressed with campaign work and working crazy long hours that are okay for a normal, healthy person, but put someone like myself in a precarious health crisis.

I hope my intake with Pam sheds deeper and clearer resolution into the state of my mind in regards to an ED. I know my thoughts are not healthy or normal. However, are they strong enough to be inflicting undue influence onto my body? My gut answer is no, that is not the case. I have discomfort and that is what I believe it is-it is not feelings that have me actively seeking out weight loss. In fact I don’t want to lose weight. I just don’t want to gain it either.

Since I don’t feel I am doing anything intentional to lose weight I don’t think treating my weight loss like an anorexic issue is the right mind-set. I am not sure who can help me, or if being hypermetabolic is not going to be any different than anorexia expect for the fact that my mind is not involved.

I have not come to see it that way and I am not suggesting I don’t have an eating disorder right now with whatever else is going on. I am suggesting that my mind which was once really on the road to well is slipping a bit in that department. Coupled with that rightfully or unrightfully, is the weight lose I am enduring at this time. Is it because of the heat, because I am hypermetabolic, or because I am in relapse with my anorexia? As I continue to lose more weight, these answers become all the more important. I don’t have 10 pounds to lose to figure this out. I know I need to maintain where I am as a starting  point to staying alive and flourishing to any degree.

I am trying to remain hopeful but it is hard given what lays at my feet and all I have put my loved ones through. Stephanie who knows me best and can step back and take a real look at things does think I am not eating well and has noticed my anorexic mind-set creeping up more and more. However if you  asked her was this like what Corey was before when she was very sick? She would say absolutely not. I am not the 79 pound person who doesn’t want to eat today.

Sure there are various degrees of severity of every type of illness. Maybe Radical Will really helped my anorexic mind but the hypermetabolic syndrome which developed out of the anorexia has always been an impediment to my ultimate wellness. I desperately need a medical professional to connect the dots and get me in the right directions for help for both my body and my mind.

Right now as I sit in my hotel room, I am scared and I am frustrated with myself. I don’t like time as a general concept, but the truth is I have not been well  for over two years.  My mind has gotten so much better, but now after so long of not getting back to an ultimate well, I am cracking and thoughts of not eating occur more frequently and with the avoidance of eating as well as I could or should.

This morning I will meet via phone with Pam my ED therapist for an hour and a half intake session. I have given her permission  to  speak to the Radical Will team as she sees fit. I have asked my primary care doctor to get in touch with the team once a meeting with the endocrinologist is set up. Monday my primary care doctor has left blood work to workup my thyroid once again and make sure we are not overlooking anything.

Today I am mindful that tonight with HRC speaking and tomorrow’s rally I need to drink all my formula shakes probably an extra one if possible. Stephanie leaves tomorrow and I come home on Saturday. I am hopeful not hopeless that I can doggedly will myself back to  a well that gives me a life that currently eludes me. I am Corey, and I am an anorexic. I am Corey, and I am fighting to stave off relapse at all costs to not harm myself in anyway or harm the people I love in anyway either.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Second Opinion on My Anorexia July 29, 2016

I am one night from returning from the DNC. It has been tough on my body for sure. Given the best of circumstances this would have been a hard week eating in general.

Put me at the DNC with extra loads of work, and late evenings or early mornings before bed, it has been a real struggle and my weight has been plummeting since Monday. I am down 7 pounds or near that, and Stephanie  is really concerned. I don’t blame her. I am just as concerned but I think one of us has to remain calm and tempered because if we both lose our wits about this it is only going to muddy the waters.

I have averaged less than 2 shakes a day when I normally drink 3+ a day. The rest of my diet has been diet soda and power-aide to stay hydrated. Stephanie leaves today (Friday) and I leave tomorrow, Saturday.  I know today I need to call my Radical Will team and get on everyone’s books, and also make sure that the phone call between my doctor and the endocrinologist really happened.

I need some more metabolic guidance regardless if this is anorexia or hypermetabolic syndrome. Either way I am in need of help and a plan to restore the weight I lost this week immediately. I pray it is not hard to do and that as soon as I start ingesting my normal amounts of supplement I will see a change in my weight.

I am glad when I get home Bella is at volleyball camp. My weight loss is noticeable and I have the anorexic look coming back again. I had just lost that and looked really thin but not sickly. I could cry I am so frustrated by all of this. Stephanie thinks I made  a mistake staying here the entire week, and staying through the rally on Friday.  One more day isn’t going to make or break me and if I came down and lost the weight and didn’t do my job my head would be all the more fucked up. At least I did it and got through it!  There are like 100 days left till the election. Better to find out now how stressful and demanding this is going to be now and deal with it, than to have the time pass and lose the weight and put my return to school in jeopardy.

I am trying as I type to get down a shake before I try to get a couple hours of sleep. It isn’t going so well and Stephanie is sound asleep. She will be up by 6:30 am for a 9 am flight home. I hope she isn’t mad at me or disappointed. Well I know she is disappointed as I didn’t take care of myself and if Stephanie hadn’t been here it would have been worse.  I think she is really worried about me heading out on the road and not eating enough and getting myself really sick. I am not sure this is anorexia or isn’t it? I am so in, so deep, I can’t see the truth. No matter what, I have hypermetabolic syndrome and so I need to eat a lot of my shakes just to maintain my weight. I need a break in  that department, I guess if I had maintained my weight there would be no issue. Why didn’t I drink the shakes as I was supposed to? I was really busy and didn’t have time a lot to eat, but everyone else did. They just ordered out. Somebody took two of my shakes out of the refrigerator and drank them. I saw the empties in the trash. Boy are they in for a surprise! it is what you get when you take other people’s food.

Stephanie and I have decided that I will head to John Hopkins in Maryland for a second opinion on my anorexia and my hypermetabolic syndrome. She is going to start the calls later today when she gets home. We will fly down for a week if necessary and get worked up completely. Stephanie is going to let my Radical Will team know this today as well.

I am working on the shake and as I write and see how not good things are I am drinking more and more of it. I will finish this shake and then go to bed on it. I am so grateful I am heading home on Saturday and not hitting the road. I have so much organizing of teams to do and I need to get into a groove with myself and my work and my colleagues. I feel behind the eight ball and starting today I am going to make a lot of head way into my digital virtual reality phone banking teams. I will contact headquarters today, although after this week maybe those not attending the rally will be out of the office? I don’t know what to expect but I hope someone at headquarters can help me out.

Stephanie honestly feels like I should give up my positions and work as a fellow for the next semester for the campaign. It is more academically oriented and the hours expected are very reasonable and it looks good on your college transcripts. I think without a doubt when I go to Hopkins they are going to say no to working for the campaign all together. I think they are  going to be very bottom line driven and see the weight loss and say plain no to working the campaign. My guess is I won’t have a lot of say with the Hopkins people.

Of course I certainly do not want that to happen, and I will fight my way through that type of speak. However, in the end I know I can’t risk my health and my overall well-being for the campaign. The biggest bottom line is I want to be a part of the campaign and I am already prepping myself for the worst and having to be a call team captain or something way below what I do now. No matter what, I will still be part of the team and I will still be involved with getting HRC into the White House.

Stephanie just woke up from the desk light and my computer. First thing she said, “Thank you for drinking a shake.” I don’t want her to worry or thank me I want her to be my girlfriend and soon fiancé. This is so hard, but the part I haven’t mentioned and the reason I agreed to go to Hopkins is because of Stephanie and I.  I can’t have my illness of anorexia be any part of my future with her. I will probably always struggle with the hypermetabolic syndrome and that in itself is a very tall nasty order for us to always deal with. But as I write I know there is anorexia in this situation right now. If I was just hypermetabolic I would at least be 100 percent complaint on my shake intake and my eating. I guess the anorexia is still alive and revenging my mind to some degree or another. I do have this feeling of being invincible when I don’t eat-that I got it and me and my body can handle it. Umm, no. Not exactly.

So I am almost through my shake and Stephanie is up to talk and read this post I am sure. I will make today my bitch and get three shakes down no matter what

. I can turn this around right now-now that my ass and back are pushed back up against the wall.

Have a great day and be #HECTIC!

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Creating Ourselves Everyday

A friend of mine just posted on Facebook in reference to creating ourselves everyday, and earlier in the week I touched upon creating myself as a blogger.

I think both are timely concepts and probably are filled with much over lap. My friend was speaking in generalities and I will speak to my specifics.

As I mentioned this week figuring out who we are and who we want to be is a major hurdle. Then doing the necessary work to bring truth and authenticity to yourself is a whole other hurdle that we work on our entire life. We do not stay the exactly same person once we get to a place of solid self-truth and authenticity. We are always in motion. From our bodies to our minds through various thoughts and actions on our parts.

I have recently done some deep personal digging to get at my truth. I believe my friend and I might disagree here, although I am not positive. Our truth exists without our interjection. That is, it exists already as we truly are standing nekkid in this world. We may not like our truths, and my friend would argue we are what we believe we are. I disagree. We are what we really are,

period.  Whether we want to own certain truths or not. I am not suggesting that society decides who and what you are ultimately. That does fall on you ultimately. But before the ultimate is the actually-where and who are you right now? That truth is one that is as hard as swallowing a jagged pill without water. Try it sometime. Try swallowing a jagged pill dry. I promise you won’t forget the experience.

I may want to be a certain person, but just because I say I am doesn’t mean it’s true. It is my want and my desire, but on closer inspection am I truly empirically that person? Just deciding to call myself a blogger doesn’t make me a blogger. I think three solid daily months of nearly 300 posts makes me a new blogger. Yet I yearn to be a blogger. Not new, or becoming, just plain “a blogger.” Who makes that decision on my truth? You are right I do, which is what my friend would argue from the start. However, I suggest and believe as a person aspiring to authenticity you must have goals and achievements  to earn a title or a desired characteristic, Calling yourself kind and compassionate doesn’t make you either. “Being” and living those things brings truth and brings them to be a part of you. Too many people take the easy way out. They pontificate about being this, or that, and quite frankly a lot of the time you needn’t be a rocket scientist to see that isn’t someone’s truth at this moment.

This is where creating ourselves comes into play. I believe most of us live closer to the truth we aspire than we don’t. However, I believe each one of us has a list of things or truths about ourselves that we haven’t actualized yet. Not because society says so, but based on pure fact and empirical information. We all know when we stretch our truths from actual to desired. We all have done it and usually we are not aware of what it is we are doing or overlooking. Wants and desires can be so powerful we take them as our truths whether it is the case or not.

Who can judge you on these truths about yourself. You, first and most. But I dare to be politically incorrect and say society has a say in defining our truth. If society doesn’t believe after one blog post I am a blogger, is that wrong? I don’t think 300 posts makes me anything but a new blogger. We can’t dismiss societal opinion because it might not fit with our paradigm of our self constructed beings. If I want to be a blogger, I need to earn that and I earn that by blogging daily for a long number of posts. There are of course no hard and fast rules to our own truths and realities, but to be authentic and to be true I think we all know what is needed to make a desired part of ourselves a reality. We  just have to be honest and true all the way around.

I want to be a blogger whose site is sought out by hundreds of thousands to read. I am really far from my truth at this moment. However everyday I am true to that truth in blogging, and creating my online persona, I get just that much closer to my ultimate goal and truth. Authenticity just doesn’t happen.  It takes determination, courage, strength and most of all humility to claim our authentic beings in a way that aligns with our desires and wants.

I am Corey. I desire to be a name people on the internet know because I write. My writing makes them think. Makes them better people, and evokes the change in the world I want to see. I am far from that-but give me and let me give myself a couple of years, and it will be my truth and it will be part of my authenticity……

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Maniacal Musings-In Due Time

As I mentioned yesterday Stephanie will officially move in once we are formerly engaged for the sake of my daughter. It is important that we should her proper behavior to some extent without being a puritan.

Stephanie and I have spent one night apart when we had to get ready for the DNC. She was over at like 4 am in the morning. She is so mild mannered and easy going and yet she is really not all that understanding about officially living together. She gets it really and knows it is not in Bella’s best interest for anything else to happen. It is in our parenting plan for our divorce that we would not have third parties until marriage was impending.

Stephanie is so excited she has pretty much aggravated me by bringing a load filled up in her car once a week and we are storing herself in an empty bedroom that Bella would never go into. Her condo is on the market and will go fast. She can’t move what she is bringing over until there is a ring on her hand and I have seriously talked to Bella with my ex-wife. Stephanie is going to have to rent a storage unit although we haven’t gone through what we are keeping from whom. When we build or rehab a new house on the ocean next year we will bring our treasured  things but we will fully newly furnish the entire new house. It is our dream house we don’t plan on moving ever again. Infact, we have talked about the number of bedrooms. I know we need at least 4 for Bella, us , a baby, and a guestroom. Stephanie and I have differing thoughts on the number of children we will have. Going on 40 where she is 37 I think starting with one and enjoying it completely is the way to go. Stephanie has talked about having three more children. That puts a lot finanicial pressure on me to provide for school, a house , and hopefully no worries for each child and all the cash it takes to raise children the way we will. It is crazy the money. I am not  being cheap I have never considered having 4 children. Stephanie isn’t wedded to any number,she just wants the opportunity. So we build a 6bedroom house? Honeslty I am going to be bleeding money for some time with engagement ring,wedding rings, whatever Stepahie wants for a wedding and lastly an outrageous honeymoon. I am fine just nervous and scared of  failure. I get these moments where I freeze in place from utter stillness in the thoughts of losing Stephanie ever in my life.

I want to get through the DNC week and see where and if I am traveling right away. I have picked out her ring to be made for our engagement and I hope to plan something special in late September early October. I will be very busy with the Clinton Campaign- I will take time to do this engagement in Corey style. I hope she loves the ring! I must share this as it just happened the other night. I was out with my ex-wife and my dauger and I noticed serious bling on my wife’s hand. It was our engagement and wedding band from our marriage. In her defense she wore them for a long time after we were divorced saying they were too nice not to wear. However about 9 months ago she took them off and that was it. This weekend she went to Canada with Bella and wore the rings the whole time at the meet. I don’t know what to make of it and then there is the last name too. My ex-wfe took my last name when we got married and of course my daughter Bella has the same last name and when I] got diorvced my ex-wife didn’t change her last name back and Stephanie is planning on taking my last name as well. I am glad if Stephanie and I have a baby,  Bella’s sibling will have the same lasr name. There is such an age difference between Bella and any baby we might  have.  However I have heard lots of great stories about siblings with huge age differences between them.

I think if I don’t travel for the campaign this weekend Stephanie and I will sit down and do an inventory of all our things. I have nothing not even my family heirlooms. When my ex-wife and I separated in July 2011 I left with just a knapsack on my back for an overnight at a suite with Julia Bleu and I never even took my clothes and almost everything in the house was mine including antiques, my family’s  silver that is mine which will go to Bella, and art work and all the furniture. When I met my ex-wife she was a starving Harvard PhD student and I owned two houses on my own already on Cape Cod. The day we got married, my ex-wife got two houses, assests, and everything besides my retirement before I met her.This has been all lost on her now and I am a bit bitter to say the least.

I think if Stephanie and I can come up with a game plan and I of course will pay for the storage for her things, I think Stephanie will be happier or more relaxed. She is also worried about my being away for the campaign when my eating is not well. I will definitely go downhill without Stephanie’s help for sure.

Well that is the status of Stephanie and Corey……Things are happening not fast enough for either of us but I have so much to do from now until we get officially engaged.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Making it Count

We all go through stages of development and growth at various times in our lives.  Everybody is unique and no two journeys are the same.

As I look at my life in this moment here in July 2016, I am keenly aware of the momentum my life has picked up and I know with this momentum comes the responsibility to get things done and achieved.

There are other times in my life where it has been merely about survival.  No not from savage beasts but more so from myself. I as well as others tend to be my own worst enemy. When my demons have run amuck and had there way it is all I can do to hang on and survive the passing of the storm. I have realized as I have gotten older these storms are much less frequent. In fact I can’t remember the last time I had a storm expect for my anorexic crisis which isn’t really what I am talking about.

When I say make it count I mean do whatever you are dedicated to for a good, no a great reason. Whether it is a goal, a dream, serving the community and giving back to people, make it count by making yourself matter.

Stand up, and be noticed. Don’t shrink behind a door where nobody can see you. Make it a point to get to know at least one new person a day. Let them know your name, shake their hand with solid kindness and compassion. It seems silly but the world is all that much better when you live it and breath it instead of just tolerating it and bracing yourself to get through it.

We all go through highs and lows in our lives. However that doesn’t mean much about us has to change outwardly. We need to be visible to the world around us. We must figure out who and what we are, and then commit to living it. It is called being authentic.

I toss these words and ideas around far too easily because in reality finding our truth can take almost a lifetime if we don’t commit to living life with truth when we are younger. If we don’t dig deep and do the hard work in our younger years, it has a tendency to stunt us and paralyze us. Not letting us realize our true selves and thus our authenticity.

Finding your authenticity is the second biggest life challenge you will encounter. The first is living authentically ever single day with our intentionality and our commitment to live as we were meant to be and to live in this world.

Making it count is not only about you. In fact some would argue it has little to do with you and more to do with what you give and help to others in our society. We are just human beings. We pile so much extra stuff upon ourselves we lose sight we are all just human beings and we all have very basic needs. The stuff we pile on impedes our human needs but also forgetting you are human and so is your neighbor is one of the greatest disappointments in our lives.

Make today count. Make yourself count. And damn it, make another human being no different than yourself count today too.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Creating Myself to Blog

When I first got the inclination to blog, I obviously went and set up a blog. There was this place or space called “About.” If you notice on either of my blogs it has been left blank.

As I worked towards being a blogger and a person who everyday puts themselves right out there I had to create that which already existed about me. I had to think about all the parts of myself. It was not an easy process or one which I have completed creating my truth out of what already is there and a part of me.

Some things are easier to admit or own as myself as opposed to other things which I have found too difficult and thus my “About” space is still empty. I  have been blogging for roughly 3 months on  a consistent basis. I am coming up on over 200 posts for this blog site in another day or two.

I feel like I have a lot to write and I certainly have the time and have gotten even more disciplined about writing twice a day/every day. . No matter what else I have going on. I am determined to write a post in the am and another post later in the pm. There have been occasions were I did not blog at night. I am still working out that second post it is so dependent on a varied amount of equations. Some I have over come and some I die flat on my face.

I know the blank”abouts” are there and they are starting to pull at me. I have shared quite a bit of myself on these very posts, but it all needs to get put together and create myself as I am right now. It will give me the honest opportunity to see where I have been successful and where I need improvement or just plan change.

I look forward with trepidation to getting my “Abouts” completed in a way I like and find desirable as well as being  truthful. It is a challenge for me at best-owning who and what I am and where I want to be in the near future.

It is a perfect time in my life to fill these out about my person and universe. What is all that and who am I? I will let you know when they are finished this weekend or maybe even before. I also need to share my other blog with everyone. There is a photography challenge I participate in now weekly on Friday’s  on my other blog. It is always done with a prompt challenge and I am no real photographer so this has been a lot of fun and I am learning to use words to excenuate a picture, without just describing it. I hope a lot of you will check it out.

For this moment that is all-never can be sure when another post will appear.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016