I walk the Line-My Anorexia Today July 19th, 2016

Last night I was so happy to see Stephanie finally get home from work. I knew she had taken today off so I was relaxed and tried to stay  focused on the lessening pain I was feeling thanks to the right dosage of pain medication.

I am realizing with my parents here that without them I have created a comfort zone for me and my anorexia. My recovery continues, albeit slowly but I have reached a point of testing my strength and determination.

I have been forced in a couple of days to deal with eating out with my parents on Saturday and then again yesterday. My parents don’t listen to me, so I don’t really speak about myself when it comes to my anorexia.

All my parents are focused on is how much I consume when we all  go out to eat. They don’t notice or comment on my weight gain, that has taken me from frail to almost healthy. Am I out of the woods yet? No I surely can not say so. It will be awhile before I have the confidence in my mind and my body to declare a victory of complete recovery.

Last night I talked to Stephanie about my issues dealing with my parents and the concept of eating out so frequently. I am sad to say, that Stephanie told me she thought I was slipping back with my anorexia just a bit. She loves me enough to tell me this truth, and I am so grateful as her words resonate within me and she probably is saving my life being this  brutally honest with me when she knows full well I don’t want to hear it.

I asked Stephanie about why she felt I was slipping back? Part of it is seeing me struggle with going out to eat, and as of late I have dropped like five pounds. However I didn’t think it was big deal, as it has been so hot out I don’t think anyone is eating their normal amounts of food. Stephanie who so truly loves me, said no Corey, that isn’t it-you have lost five pounds very quickly and I haven’t nor has anyone else lost weight because of this heat. She mentioned I have made comments about being a two ton Tessie and  how she hasn’t heard me talk that way in a long time. She commented in the spring when I last got injured I went through a similar setback with my eating. It seems to be a trigger for me, I guess as I have no control over my injuries I try to take back control with my body through regulating what I am eating. I know that when I get injured I feel like I go into overdrive with my blogging and work on the campaign.

I am insistent of blogging two posts a day now. Stephanie sees the rigidity of my persona and it lets her know I am not doing well with my anorexia. I have these prescription medication shakes that I drink every day and I haven’t stopped drinking them. In fact,  I was afraid I was going to run out so I went to the pharmacy and ordered another case. I just picked them a week ago today! I am somewhat bummed by what Stephanie said, but I am so grateful that she cares and notices and when asked she gives the honest truth. I am going to start making that coconut milk smoothie that my nutritionist used to have me drink for such a long time. I know it gives me all the fats I need for my brain and I want to show  myself and Stephanie I can catch this weight loss before it gets too out of hand. I didn’t get on the scale today but I am sure it was down another pound. I can’t afford to have my weight destabilize that will send red flags off everywhere.

Today I am getting my daughter Bella after swim team practice. We are probably going to go and see a movie.  I am trying to coordinate with my ex-wife either the BFG or Tarzan I think are our options for this afternoon.

Last night Stephanie and I did a lot talking about many things. The one thing she was not happy about was that I opted to eat two yogurts for dinner. It was so hot, but I don’t seem to get that consideration as I understand for being so sick. Today I am starting my day with a smoothie as when we went to get my coffee I dumped it  all over the hallway as you come into the house. Julia Bleu got underneath my feet and it threw me off balance, and my coffee went everywhere. Stephanie wanted to go get me a new one but I said that’s alright. I think I might ask if we can go back to the store, I realized the coffee is calories I choose to drink every day.

My ex-wife just called about Bella. We are taking her to see the new Ghostbusters movie at 3:10 pm. We will pick her up from swimming. She has to get ready to leave for her swim meet in Canada tomorrow. She still has all her packing to do, and then needs all her swimming gear. It is another weekend I don’t see Bella but I am glad she is so happy and on the go with new experiences all the time.

Last night I watched the RNC with Stephanie.  I wanted to see Melania speak. I know she is getting pummeled today but I didn’t think she did a half bad job. I guess there is some question as to whether her speech was plagiarized from Michelle Obama. I don’t know anything about that I was nervous for her, and I thought she did a pretty good job. I saw no glaring mistakes although at times her accent

Stephanie and I are heading out to go get coffee and to weigh myself when I get back. Stephanie thinks it would be a good idea to call my Radical Will team and see about checking in with them. It has been a couple of months and I guess it is time for a check up.

Stephanie and I are doing so much better than ever before. It was good for me to miss her yesterday, and for her to miss me in the same way. I think we are still learning everything is going to be just right, we needn’t worry. Last night we snuggled even though it was like a 100 degrees. We put on the RNC in bed and I wrote in my anorexia journal for the first time in a long time-at least one month ago since I had written last. I do feel suseptable to heading down the slippery slope with the weight loss as I know when I get injured I amp it up in other areas like blogging and watching my body. I am so grateful to Stephanie and my entire team as they have healed me  well enough to “see” the danger zone I am heading for, that Stephanie is already too aware of and won’t let me mess up or fall back on my recovery.

The amazing part of Radical Will is that isn’t a quick fix or a band-aide but when you reach a goal in Radical Will. My experience has been that you never lose what you have gained in terms of mind over matter. Yes my weight may drop but it is not a deep reflection on my head or my thinking that has gone awry as most other people experience through their recoveries set backs I don’t truly experience them with my mindset on anorexia. The new ground I occupy is solid and doesn’t go away easily or ever thus far.

Today my goal for myself is to replace my precious coffee, weigh myself, and reach out to my Radical Will team. I am looking forward to my next post on my journey through anorexia and my road slowly to recovery. I am so excited I get to see my daughter today and take her to the movies and go out to eat-yes it will be tough on me because I can’t not eat in front of Bella. It is not good for her to see and I have shielded her away from as much as my disease as I could.

I hope everyone has a blessed day, and I will post soon my next part of my anorexia recovery. Stephanie is ready to go get my coffee again. It was such a freaking mess and I wouldn’t let her help me clean it up. I really wanted to put Julia Bleu to work. I am off to get my coffee and get back to blogging after I take care of my anorexia needs this morning.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

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