Ever since my anorexia became an issue again this summer I have been fending off an emptiness that leaves me barren in a lot of ways.
The road was long, the travel was slow. However, I still kept holding my own and making very small gains along the way.
I had yet to have a relapse and my mind was definitely healing from the anorexic mindset. As of the last two months I have suffered not one setback but quite a few. From losing weight that I was sure was now part of my new weight point to unsettling thoughts about not wanting to eat or to pass when I had the chance to eat.
The most frustrating part is I don’t know where this is coming from. I have not had a trigger or some turning point in fact I argue that I am not the only one with a negative relationship with food during the hot and humid days of the summer.
I believe to a lesser extent this happened last summer and I didn’t set off any alarms because I was not working on the Clinton campaign and exuding all kinds of calories that I don’t have to spare.
My emptiness comes from a place very deep inside of me. I don’t know why I have it but the emptiness makes me feel hollow and less whole as a person every day. I feel pockets of vacancy running throughout me that I can not explain. I can only say there used to be more of me there.
Part of the empty is my energy that with the weight loss has plummeted rapidly and I don’t feel I can do all that I was doing before. I am angry with myself for not getting involved more intentionally with my body and eating especially at the DNC where it was so obvious to me that I was not eating enough or as much as I usually do and I was working so much harder and longer days. I ask myself today, what was I thinking and why didn’t I do anything about it?
This is where the whole anorexia thing gets really complicated because I have questions of my own self that I have no idea how or what to answer. It is just as big a mystery to me as it is to an outsider looking down upon me.
I laugh as I write this but one way to get rid of the emptiness is just to eat. Fill myself up and stuff myself to the gills. I may still feel empty but I will be filled in another way.
I am going today down to get my daughter at volleyball camp with my ex-wife. I am not looking forward to seeing my ex-wife as she notices every change about me so this weight loss will not go unnoticed she mentioned to me last Sunday night, that I was having difficulty with maintaining my weight. That was before the DNC and the demise of my healthier eating habits.
I hope today I can get back to eating normally. I just ate a yogurt and an applesauce. That is a good start for me. I will have my shakes and I am sure we will stop to go out to eat on the way home from Boston with Bella.
Stephanie isn’t coming she is going to stay with Julia Bleu and get caught up with paperwork for her practice while I go with my ex-wife. It is pretty rare that we don’t do things together but she would need to get this done when I was home and I got up extra early to get my anorexia blog out first thing this morning. I do feel better all over in general now that I have eaten. It might just be I have to force myself to eat because I can’t afford to lose anymore weight.
I am hoping that seeing Bella helps me feel somewhat better because seeing her makes me so happy maybe she is just the dash of fairy dust I need? To help me save myself from my own demise or worse a relapse.
BORN THIS WAY-2016