Become Who You ARE

We all run around like little fucking pansies when it comes to be being who we really are inside.

From the time we are very little society (parents, friends, schools, churches) tell us who we are and what we are supposed to be. If that isn’t bad enough they usually have a plan on how exactly we can get to our truth……

It is nothing about you or who are, unless you get lucky with a special person who can see a bend in your TRUTH.

We fight our innate and natural feelings and desires for the most part. It is too scary to deal what our truths lay out in front of us. This is usually because it is very far away from who we are or very different than what the people who supposedly love and care about you think you should be doing.

Unfortunately most people are not born with their TRUTH searing inside of them so it is usually inexplicable to others. This is where I found myself when I was 10 years old. I knew how I was and what I wasn’t and thus became the battle that raged on for many years with my parents. No I was not a derelict I was a straight A student who would go on to the best prep school in the country. No see I wasn’t a problem child my problem for the adults in my life was that I knew exactly what I wanted and didn’t want. I wanted to play basketball in college and go on a full division 1 scholarship. I knew what I needed to do to make me a good enough player.

I pretty much went anti-social from the class president to like hanging out with one or two people. I was obsessed with perfection both academically and athletically. My problem was that nobody had seen a kid  with such drive and determination they felt there must be something wrong with me.

I was a  serious kid in everything. Everything  I did had a specific purpose. I didn’t play around I was much too busy following my TRUTH and my dreams and goals. I got a 100 for a final grade in Algebra when I was in eighth grade. I didn’t laugh a lot not too much was funny and my fellow students were just losers who would wait until they’re my age now to figure out their TRUTH and find a way to live it and make it a reality, or continue on living their lives as posers.

Why do work so hard at molding our children when they are born for the rest of their lives? My biggest bullies were my own fucking parents and so is the case for most other kids. I did not do a thing out of turn during junior high and high school. I got perfect grades, I made the junior Olympic basketball team. I never went to a party, had a drink, smoked a cigarette, or had sex in high school. My biggest issue was that I knew way more than all the adults in my life and I didn’t suffer fools really easily. It  was a major hang up of mine.

I have always been an insider from the outside because of a birth defect and being born with mania I was pretty much my own bird. I didn’t sleep much thus I got copious an\mounts of work done much of  it writing and creative stuff. Nobody could ever give me a break and just accept me for me and stop trying to change everything single about me.

It wasn’t until I got into the work world and made a name for myself with my crazy kick-ass hours of work, coupled with my drive and determination. I did really well and all of the bunk from others started to go away. I even began to embrace myself, hell if you don’t nobody else will.

I came into my own at a very early age. As a result I didn’t realize I would do to my life’s experience have another set of  TRUTHS.. When I got divorced and was done working I was a disaster mid-air for sure. It took me a couple of years to find the new Corey. The new Corey was much different than the first one. This Corey had a heart and compassion. I figured out my TRUTH again, no easy feat to do it twice. I enrolled back into school and that is where I am right now.

I don’t ever know if I will work I am committed to the Clinton Campaign  through the election. Then I am supposed to return to school for spring semester. I will be able to get  a job next summer if I really push at it. I don’t know if that is what I want or is part of my truth. I know I have a personal life in flux and with Stephanie -all the signs say go! So go we will and hopefully get engaged in the fall. After that I don’t have any really thoughts or plans. I know I have material to write a book and that pulls on me it nags on me like something I need to complete. How that fits in with everything else, I have no idea right now I am in free fall. Not heading for the ground or disaster just busy letting my TRUTH unfold before my eyes. I feel it, I know some of it is already happening and the rest will be determined as I allow.

So give yourself a God damn break. You have probably been living you life from the seat of your pants that aren’t related to your TRUTH. You quest for your TRUTH will be the most rewarding expedition you ever set forth on. Don’t stop if you realize you are far away from your truth. I figured out my own TRUTH twice and they truly couldn’t be further apart. I will explain that to you on a different day. Today I challenge you to set forth in any direction as your TRUTH  compass will turn you around to the right direction. You will feel it, you will breath it, it has always been deep inside of you. Go out and dare to live a life that involves finding your TRUTH. Most of the world settles for living a mockery of their TRUTH and they don’t give a shit about what I say. Everything is neat, in order, and there is a plan, and they will carry it out and claim success and so will others who do not them but trust me when I say there are people who live their lives in TRUTH and they can spot a poser anywhere. The choice is up to you, and maybe you already made it, so to hell with the TRUTH!

I would die a thousand deaths before I didn’t seek and search for my TRUTHS in this little life of  mine. Go on you decide. You’re probably a chicken so much so that this plain texted blog is lost on you. It is okay, don’t let it aggravate you, somebody beside you or maybe behind you is going to read this message and know I am speaking to them. I am speaking directly to the touched people in this world who dare to lose everything for nothing in search of their TRUTHS. Comfort is not what they are in search of and maybe they just needed a little reminder and to know I too am scared, TRUTH doesn’t come with guarantees of anything but of itself. So maybe play it safe like you always have and never know what you were meant to be or do. It is a tragedy but a road mostly chosen. Surety is a safer bet for a lot of people. For others like  myself and so many before and right beside me it isn’t a choice like I said I would die a thousand deaths before I stopped my pursuit of my TRUTH-just one meager person’s experience.

-Corey

UNNERVED-2016

One thought on “Become Who You ARE

  1. Hi Corey ! I hope you don’t mind that I am following you here on WordPress . If I am going to read an article for the day I would rather read one of your posts; that is how it has become. I think your truth is unique even among girls like me! I don’t think I had near the energy that you did when I was in school. Even now I need rest often and routinely.

    It seems to me you have probably tried everything . What help me the most when it came to anxiety was staring at a candle . Are used to have anxiety attacks they stopped when I started candle gazing. Just look at a candle for a few minutes every day and when your mind wanders come back to the candle and don’t beat yourself up if you have thoughts aside from the candle.

    Afterwards go about your life, being whatever you want to be . 😊 I return to work tomorrow after two months off . I will resume my groundedness and continue to take care of my household which includes my spouse, a dog , a cat, and me. Love and blessings 🌸Sophie

    Like

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