I am 39 years old and just finally figuring out who and what I really am. Along with findings that have taken me years to stumble upon authentically I had in order to get there find my voice in the bigger picture.
Being a person with mania who keeps short bed hours and long nights awake, I had to get to my own TRUTH which involved some hard digging up of my soul, as it has been for a few years.
Part of my TRUTH was learning I don’t believe in a destiny like the kind I did once before I grew and found my voice and my own form as an intersexed person in this binary world that doesn’t work for me on many levels. I had to pass through my twenties when I developed my own style. It is completely unique to me and right down to my hair, and the way it is cut and colored formed a part of my persona I have built my TRUTH upon. My truth came out of a reality for me that it needn’t be uncovered like so many others but needn’t to be grown out of a life that didn’t have me really grow up. Sure I can play adult and be a responsible parent but my birth defect, or my intersex keeps me from maturing to the final level of an adult like most other people.
It is hard for me to explain but I haven’t got the jadedness of someone else my age or the experience of having to take care of myself I have always had loving people care for me and take care of me to some degree. I am surely capable of doing everything for myself and after my divorce I spent a lot of time alone trying to find my voice and then listen to it.
I am a very cerebral person by nature and nurture. My IQ was tested at an early age and found to be off the charts. It meant nothing to me as a child other than my parents told me I was different and not like anybody else. Later in my late teens I had my IQ tested again to see if it was accurate or just a fluke. My IQ as an adult is only 3 points different than my IQ when I was 5….it makes things interesting. Yes school work comes easy to me and I don’t work very hard expect when I am exuding my perfectionist tendencies and I need to get everything just right for myself.
I have always been a bit socially immature not to a point where it was a problem. It was just something I learned about myself and when I asked people who love and care about me they would admit to some degree it was true.
So who am I? Am I working on getting closer to authentic? How about that destiny thing I brought up in the beginning. I am living very intentionally and trying to let this world come to me as it will or will not. I am a believer in a higher power of some sort. Destiny is not derived by fate. I can’t even explain fate not at least in this medium but my destiny is something I can control to a point and then other forces in my life also get intermingled in my destiny. My destiny is not fixed or pre-determined. I don’t believe anyone’s is. I believe as long as people have free will they have a chance at changing or intervening in their destiny. Destiny is just another world for arriving somewhere in this world in your life and you have just as say as you don’t in your own destiny. My voice I have taken a long time to find and develop for myself. It is authentic in that my voice is truly a natural part of me I had to let myself get used to hearing and listening for it…..later I learned to listen to what I had to say either through language or written words I wrote on paper or on the internet. My voice is not loud or booming much like I am not those things.
My voice has given me strength, freedom, and clarity as well as heartache as I learn to accept that which I can not change.
My style at 39 is pretty young but not inappropriately so-I wear mostly jeans (Lucky) with a myriad of t-shirts and sweaters and a pile of outerwear. My shoes are distinct and often speak to my whimsical self. I wear jewelry that is not expensive but is a big part of my persona. I wear a metal cross and a solid silver medallion with the Our Father written in Latin. I wear a couple of signature bracelets on both wrists, and switch around from my rings quite frequently. I usually wear just one ring,
My ink tells it’s own story and I am proud and stand behind the ink that covers my body. My ink is part of my voice, in fact everything about myself is part of my persona. I pray that others take the intentional time to find their real authentic voices as the world is only made better when people live authentically. Start with your voice as quiet as it might be and as faint as it may sound.
BORN THIS WAY-2016
Sometimes I am surprised at