Born to Be With You- But Not Two Years Ago

Funny how time has a way of changing things all up on us. Two years ago Stephanie and I were just becoming fast and furious friends. I had not inkling in this world she had romantic feelings for me.

It is just well I was just coming out of a divorce I realized I failed at miserably from every perspective. Therapy would last two long years and I would learn my truth of being the partner in my failed marriage. As my therapist said to me someone is the gardener and someone is the flower and you take turns. I was always the flower-I still am although I don’t think it is my fault.

My two years in therapy brought me to my knees as a human being who loved my ex-wife so much but did everything wrong to show her. I thought if I treated her like a queen and bought her expensive gifts out of love I was doing my job.

Nowhere in my marriage was there a partnership or reciprocity. So when I met Stephanie a couple things happened: one-I was sure she was straight so being great friends was perfect 2- I was dating weekly and randomly just to pass the time.

Stephanie and I got closer as friends and started hanging out all the time I would interrupt our visits by dating random girls on the weekend and tossing them back by Monday morning. The one thing I realized is  divorce happened to me. I wasn’t jazzed about everything in my marriage but I loved being married. I still did as I wanted to do as an individual I never got the reciprocity thing down. My poor ex-wife she knew I loved her I just didn’t know how and she had had enough of my stuff my expeditions, thrill-seeking, and car accidents that made her fraught with worry.

With Stephanie in my life I had a best friend who would and did anything for me when I was well and when I was sick. She was safe because I thought she was straight and would never like me that way. I was able to tell Stephanie that I would never survive another divorce again so Stephanie knew my every issue with my first marriage. She watched me morph from an even more self-absorbed person into a person with a loving heart and kindness for others. My main objective was to be the best person I could be.

A year into my friendship with Stephanie my friends started telling me she “liked” me. I didn’t want to believe it but I could see the writing on the side od the train. I continued to date casually with weekend hook ups right in front of Stephanie. I was not dealing with her feelings I loved her too much as a friend and would never take the chance of losing her friendship-I needed her and she needed me.

I am so regretful that I wasn’t more sensitive to Stephanie’s feelings about me. She never said a word but gradually hanging out every night turned into every night sleep overs. We were strictly platonic and she slept in my bed and I slept on the couch. So many nights I wanted to go back into my room and snuggle her. However I knew we could never cross the line.

In March I broke it off with the last bimbo and had enough of a conscience to know I couldn’t date another girl until I dealt with Stephanie. I saw the pain in her face when we parted and I went with the bimbo and the last one was truly a bimbo besides other things.

I didn’t talk to Stephanie right away. I just stopped dating and we were together every single day and night. One night she found her big brave and talked to me about some of her feelings for me. She had very little relationship experience for being 37, but she had already told her parents about me. I was dumbfounded and tried to play it cool. However looking back on all my therapy I knew I owed her my truth too.

I told her I loved her as my friend and because she was so stellar I never thought she would like me and I also thought she liked guys. She said she didn’t really like girls per se and guys well they just didn’t do it for her-it was me she loved and wanted to be with and she felt very bad for not telling me sooner.

That night we shared my bed platonically with some serious innocent snuggling. To be that close to her was amazing. We continued to talk but I was really skiddish about losing her in the long run. She put it to me straight: she knew all about my mistakes in my first marriage and knew I wasn’t that same person. Second she couldn’t be without me in her life. I gave her so many reasons to bow out from mania, to anorexia, thrill-seeking, my devotion to Bella…..nope she accepted all of me and was deeply in love with me. I was silenced.

A couple days went by and I decided I was so lucky to have Stephanie and I didn’t want to live scared. She came home from work one night and I had cooked lobsters and had champagne for us. I told her I was going to follow her lead and go with my heart’s truth. I didn’t talk about getting hurt I told her how much she meant to me.

From there the story has been written. We slept in the same bed and were just platonic until we planned our get away weekend to Fire Island. There we traversed from platonic best friends to cosmic lovers. It has been an uncovering of our truth that already existed, We came back and shared a bed except when Bella is over. We are getting engaged when the ring is finished in September or October. Her place is up for sale and after we are engaged per my divorce agreement we can live together as a couple.

I cry happy tears at the thought of a second chance of love and marriage with the most beautiful girl I know on the outside and inside, I have no worries about her as she is so determined and happy and I have learned from my fatal mistakes of my first marriage, Surely I will make new mistakes and I know Stephanie loves me enough to point them out so I can correct them. I am the happiest person alive honestly. I got the girl of my dreams!



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