Dulled

Ever since getting hurt in May when I fractured my leg and hand I have been slipping in the anorexia department.

It started quite innocuously with missing eating due to surgery and pain. Then the surgeries were past, the pain was tolerable and yet my eating continued to slide.

As I am in the process of picking myself up from one of my worst days ever and starting on a new Evolution I have come to sadly realize how dulled I have become.

An Evolution is a time concept I designed to break up my year and track and journal specific goals and to-dos for a set of time that I determine. This is a great way to identify key things in an objective way as well as a personal way.

I have been doing Evolutions going on two years. They all very in time. Right now I am doing a sprint Evolution only-to cover some major ground that without my evolution system would be a lot harder to manage.

My sprint  Evolution started yesterday and runs through Labor day. It is the shortest evolution I have ever done. I just take a composition notebook, duct tape the hell out of it for my own personalization and then tape a sticker on the cover stating what evolution it is (number wise) and include the date range it covers.

When I am complete with the time frame, before I set up my next evolution I look back and evaluate all that I set out to do on the very first page of the book. The rest of the book is journaling how I am getting there and when I actually fully accomplish something.

So when I sat down yesterday to set up my sprint Evolution, I was forced to take stock in all that hasn’t happened in the last months. This may be a good thing if I have been engrossed accomplishing other things.

Unfortunately that was not the case for this Evolution. I was forced as I vowed my Phoenix to rise from the ashes to deal with how dull my edges to my person on all levels have become due to this anorexia.

I am so far from the Corey Britton everyone knows and cares about no wonder I am in hiding so to speak. I have lost my spunk that quickly returned yesterday with my feistiness for life and interactions. Once I deemed myself acting as a victim to anorexia it was a done deal. Coupled with the radically Radical Will I am engaging in now I can see clearly how I have been lost to myself and to others; almost forgotten.

Well we know that is going to change. Today at 8 am I  see my surgeon for the latest setback to my injuries, I am ready and wiling to do whatever it takes to get back towards forward motion and never posting another ER picture on Facebook again.

I am by nature confident (said in a polite way) over-confident and cocky with reason is more like it and so much more like Corey.

I have fallen so far I have yet to glimpse the tops of the goals I set out for myself but I know they are there and the opportunities they afford me are still there waiting for me to come and  climb to the apex.

I won’t be climbing higher than ground level for awhile. You see I am a realist to a fault. I am real about myself as much as I am real about you. If you want my opinion you must be ready for brutal truth and honesty as I put myself through even much harsher paces. If you don’t warrant or desire my opinion then I keep it to myself as I am not into the life of being caught up in anyone else’s stuff other than that which makes up my Universe.

So no climbing above ground level for quite some time for me. I am in one deep dark hole and finally after much free fall reached the bottom of my hole in the ER on Wednesday.

I am also such a realist I know this didn’t happen over night and my way to climbing above ground level comes with my constant and steady pace upward and forward. I am no fool there will be unexpected bumps, holes, even maybe a free lift to a certain point. Life is funny like that and that is why I have until recently been so full of it my entire life.

I will work hard, and on this blog you will see the changes in my writing, my tone, just in myself as  a person. Yes I am confident. “I know what I bring to the table and I am not afraid to eat alone.” (Anonymous)  I have in my life spent a great deal of it alone climbing goals and achieving them that others said I couldn’t. If you want to guarantee I will die trying to do something, just tell this old Corey that is back it can’t be done!

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

 

 

 

 

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