Misplaced

Okay my Mania Madness needs to quell down or else I will be in the hospital.

I had my first surgery today, the easy one on my left leg and there was more damage than the MRI showed, which is why it hurt more than the doctor felt it should.

I am through it, and spent the day resting with Stephanie and my parents. The surgeon talked to them since he said I wouldn’t remember anything. Bad idea for me to agree to that….the surgeon was deeply honest about today’s surgery and my next leg surgery in about a month. The news is not positive and my parents along with Stephanie have been doing everything for me. However my parents leave for Florida in three weeks.

Stephanie is home and says she can do it, but it is so much to ask and I don’t want our relationship to be like this. It is always something with me.

My Mania Madness is so bad I didn’t fall asleep or get drowsy with all the medication they gave me to knock me out. My doctor went as far as to tell them I was awake for the entire operation. They used the exact same drugs they used in May and I was knocked out.

My Mania Madness is not funny at all anymore. Gone is my appetite and I am not hungry in the least. I pick at even yogurts.

Stephanie is great and so loving but I think she sees the Madness getting bigger than me. She feels helpless and tries to stay up with me. I don’t want her to get sick or burn out because of me.

I am scared. I don’t and really can’t afford a trip to the hospital with everything going on. I truly pray I can sleep tonight as I have taken pain pills and they are not coming close to taking the edge off the pain or the Madness.

I am excited that Stephanie and I have a couple of days together. Tomorrow I am not seeing Bella and there are no commitments so I have tonight and tomorrow and tomorrow night alone with Stephanie.

It would be really great if this madness wasn’t rearing it’s ugly head and the demons and gremlins weren’t multiplying. I will take tonight as it comes and do my best. I have thought about taking an extra pain pill but if the high powered drugs at the hospital didn’t work neither is an extra pain pill.

I have got to eat and Stephanie is worried about my weight loss as well. I am scared but I am most scared of this Madness affecting Stephanie and I. She is so loving and kind and tells me I am it for her but I must admit I am getting a tad insecure about my illness.

I don’t think logically  that she would ever leave me but the Madness interferes with normal thoughts and feelings. I feel closer to her as she sees me go through this and I can only hope the same for her.

************************************************************************************

I slept an hour and a half which is okay. My knee started killing me from the surgery last night and made it very difficult to eat.

We watched some Braindead and I couldn’t relax or fall asleep. Finally I just passed out on Stephanie because I was so exhausted. I woke up in excruciating pain this early morning and took two pain pills. Today will be the worst day pain wise.

I am trying so hard to manage my gremlins in my mind. Stephanie got up early at like 6 am and has been keeping me company. It is very sweet of her. She sees me really struggling and I can’t let the gremlins in my head win or the hospital it will be for me.

Yesterday marked two weeks exactly until my birthday. I can’t believe I am turning forty. I have no idea where the time went but I also feel like I have packed a lot into my life. I am so nervous about the hospital.

It just so happens I see my primary care tomorrow for a physical. I won’t lie to him but I also won’t tell him all of my truth either. I can’t or I probably would get admitted since my last hospitalization was so acute the last time in 2014. I don’t see him letting me get any more worse than I am. I need to take Adderall right before I see him and pray I just stay on the quiet side and he doesn’t hear my fast talking, pressured speech.

At least I have today with Stephanie with no plans and I am not seeing Bella today so it is really a free a day and entire night.

I am feeling a bit more calm as I just took pain pills and my leg is finally numb again. After today I should really start to feel better. I hope the surgeon from yesterday didn’t write anything in my medical notes that my primary care will pick up on.

I just got notification that my pharmacy has a new prescription for me to pick up. I don’t know what it is as I am not due for anything right now. I will call in a bit and find out what it is for.

I am going to have breakfast with Stephanie and try to eat. I am stuffing all my additional energy inside of me and Stephanie just told me I really need to relax, that everything is okay.

Gosh I love her, and I usually love my gremlins. However when they go into overdrive like they have now I have such a difficult time embracing them. I know if I embrace my gremlins at this level I will be in for an amazing joy ride that ultimately ends in a big crash landing me in the hospital.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

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