Release Me

As most of you know I have been battling Mania Madness and doing my very best to stay out of the hospital.

Last night I entered the “Zone” mind-wise and have been on a writing spree since early last evening. The gremlins and demons that grab a hold of me and pump me full of energy that has no where to go in my body or mind have quelled enough to allow me to be creative and filled with thoughts I am able to process.

I have no idea how long it will last, but it seems to be attaching itself to a growing spurt of self-actualization and leading me to a greater authentic-self and truth.

My birthday as most of you know is almost just a week away on October 4, 2016. It is a biggie, I am turning forty. With that by itself I think I would be transitioning at this point but with the Mania Madness I am further deeper than a mere transition of myself and I feel my Chi (energy) shifting in positive and new ways I have yet to be able to label.

The zone last night where I spent the better part of the evening journaling, and this morning during the maniac’s hours writing my anorexia story is truly a gift.

I tried to describe it in an earlier post on my main blog, but failed miserably. Here I am in the zone cerebrally and I can’t articulate it through word porn? What is wrong with me? I think it isn’t supposed to be described as it is part of the inexplicable and thus warrants no attempt at explanation.

I am praying know that the gremlins and demons have quelled, they continue to hold off pumping me up with energy my mind and body can not process.

I slept a bit last night which was such a gift and I pray today the Mania Madness dials itself down a notch but as I write I feel it moving and stirring around and that means it is getting ready to come back full tilt.

I just want the demons and gremlins to release my body and mind as through even my bout with anorexia my body and mind were prisoners to the disease. Why are my body and mind so susceptible to being held prisoner?

I have a strong mind and a strong body each which has fallen prisoner to both anorexia and Mania Madness. I just want to be free so I can be me…..maybe this is me in one form or another. Maybe my mind and body must be prisoners to something because on their own they are to powerful yet scattered which is a very dangerous combination.

I would like the opportunity to see and experience my mind and body not held prisoner by anything. Does it crave being held hostage in one form or another? Does it look for these opportunistic diseases to infiltrate myself and play command and control? Surely that can not be the case!

I am working intentionally hard at freeing my mind especially. As is the case with both Mania Madness and Anorexia the mind is the most powerful and most controlled. My body and its cavity are a far distance second to my brain.

I yearn to be free, to be released… that what Mania Madness is and I just don’t recognize it because it is so far from okay or normal?

Do I spend most of my time with pure mania in a state of suspended animation? I do not know but I will figure it out.  Anorexia is not an option and nearly killed me. What about Mania Madness? Do I learn as I have been to manage it as it is and live my life as my authentic self? Is that truly me? Wow I never thought about it this way and it is the zone digging deep and asking these questions.

I will have to see what happens and do some  writing in my journal to figure this one out. I think through my time spent in the zone I opened a can of worms I might not like the answer to or be prepared mentally for the ultimate challenge in the quest for my authentic truth.

I am a bit silenced in my verbiage and deep, deep into my head. I will be back to pick this up later when I am not so shocked or caught off guard.



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