The fire started with smoke of racing thoughts that I thought were but and parcel of my norm but soon broke out into full blaze with thoughts going faster than I can process and sometimes cam not even comprehend.
I am super fast at responding to my thoughts but this morning all the rest the demons and gremlins took over the night are coming full-force with thoughts and energy I have no idea how to quell.
Sometimes I find it is best to talk about the mundane when my brain goes off like this.
I am thinking about a post of a girl I met at an eating disorders hospital. She was just finishing up her degree, working fulltime, married with two kids. She had two internships coming up one was a tear, unpaid that she just finished. The second was paid and was supposed to begin about now and had a very good luckily hood of job advancement.
As I pursued my Facebook page I came across this distraught post. It was from her and she has been turned down for the paid internship with chances of mobility. She is beside herself I think for many reasons. I feel like posting I am in the midst of Mania Madness and need to get relieve, please help me. I write about Betsy’s post because it is the mundane and the mundane helps to take away my focus on my body and head.
I got lost in her storm for a couple of moments both when I read it and when I wrote about it. It freed me from the gremlins and demons taking refuge in my body and brain.
I wish I had a picture of the energy in my head right now. I must block everything out including my inner voice to write this. Not easy to do since I usually write from my inner voice.
The flames are the combustion of my body’s energy and my mind’s energy converging into one. It is the most powerful force in my being and one I feel I can not sustain for a long period.
So what do I do? My ex wife just called to take Bella, my daughter, to the gym after her swim practice…..how will I keep it together?
I will call on the greatest gift of my brain: the ability to hyper-focus. I will get lost in the moment with Bella and give her every ounce of my attention. I have since finding out that I am working her out but together her workout and gotten myself ready.
I am burning up in my head. I feel like I should write a fictional story about my friend who didn’t get the internship and her job thereafter.
I can only control my Mania Madness to a certain degree and will be taking Adderall right before my ex-wife picks me up for the gym. I will try to keep it together and also do some ab work as well.
Stephanie is up and perplexed at my mania madness. She said it has no rhythm or reason and that is true.
Colliding in my head right now are many thoughts of various origins and I try as I may to keep them behind the forefront where I try to hyper-focus.
Today it is not the Acela it is a faster European high-speed train zipping through my cerebellum and creating a dysfunctional me that must fake functional. The concept is nothing new to me but under these conditions it is harder than hell. Faking the functional with the dysfunctional at play is something I have mastered quite well. With this mania Madness I will only be better at it and hopefully make other blips in my life easier.
Today is not an easy day and I am ready for the gym for sure. However $100 says my ex wife suggest getting lunch first because Bella is going to be starved from swimming practice.
This is where I get nervous and edgy. I am fine to go dig in full-speed at the gym, but not to go sit and fain eating for 45 minutes before. I won’t take my Adderall until I am in the car and know where we are going.
Fire in my soul is always all the time, as is fire in my belly, and the urge to do and be the most I can, but fire in my brain derails me and I can’t shake it off for anything. I tried and nothing is working. It is my worst bout of Mania Madness yet this storm and I hope is the very end of it honestly.
I am ready to put out this fire in my brain and the gym will help quell it for awhile as will Bella. I am just afraid of going out to eat first. I honestly can’t seat still and try talking about anything besides weights and exercises? I am not in a good space for that today.
I will be back hopefully with the fire extinguished in the brain yet still burning white hot in my soul and belly.
BORN THIS WAY-2016