Gut Feeling

On top of a fiery brain, recovering from surgery and needing more, I have suffered from anorexia for the last two and a half years.

I really hit my stride to recovery this past summer in late June, early July. I put on a bit of weight and knew my anorexic head was sort of running its course.

With the surgery, and especially the change in mania, I have been losing weight quite fast. It wouldn’t be a big deal but I find myself liking it which is a total surprise and bummer.

I was sure I was past this point of wanting to lose weight or liking it. I have spent a good part of the summer convincing myself to get healthy and get buff going to the gym.

Now with this brain electrical chaos, my anorexia mindset is being thrown off too?

No it can’t be, really it can’t be happening to me again. I am not actively restricting but I like getting on the scale and seeing it go down. What is going on? I was way past this point.

Putting on weight has proven difficult but losing weight I haven’t really done in awhile.

I am going to add to my list today to call my eating disorders therapist.

I had realized I had gotten to a point where I was avoiding the scale because it was going up and now I am jumping on it every morning to watch it go down.

I am concerned that this cycle of anorexia and injuries is just going to keep repeating itself. I have even taken to drinking farm milk which was better and more fattening than whole milk at the grocery store.

I mean eating has never been easy but I had stabilized my weight and the only changes to the scale were that it was going up. I even had to get out a bigger size of jeans than I had been wearing. All hard but good stuff towards my recovery.

I can’t get on the mayhem merry-go-round of anorexia, broken bones, anorexia. I can’t do it myself or to my loved ones I am already putting them through so much. Nobody but Stephanie knows about my fire in my brain and I can’t tell them it would put everyone over the edge.

I have to focus on eating three to six meals a day. I have been up since 12:45 am and haven’t eaten anything. I actually feel nauseous I think because of my appointment.

I need to get over this little hump, get back to forcing myself to eat, and get my bones and my brain straightened out.

What the fuck? As I write I see what a walking nightmare I am. Poor Stephanie has to deal with it all. I am petrified of pushing her over the edge. She says no way but everyone has limits and I don’t want to be a burden I want to be a partner.

I haven’t a fucking clue how to alleviate any of this madness. I am very heavy in the head today which is because of the appointment but is something new for me. I hope this isn’t part of my brain on fire. Dealing with more intense feelings right now is the last thing I need or can handle.

I took a Xanax and hopefully that will take the edge off I even have a bad stomach I would go to bed feeling this way if I didn’t have my appointment. My Adderall didn’t help today and I wasn’t in the mood earlier for a golden elixir so I just now went and got the coffee and it is sitting in my stomach like a brick. I am a bit chilled-this must be all psychosomatic.

I am hoping my eating disorders therapist can see me tomorrow. I have an appointment scheduled for Thursday with my primary care but I believe I will be at John Hopkins.

Pam my eating disorders therapist can help turn me around as she always does I pray. I hope this anorexia thing isn’t gaining momentum as I might be kitchen sinking everything. My gosh, I have been through enough and have two more surgeries to go, and a brain on fire. Why would I do this?

I want to do a lot more research on anorexia. It is such an insidious disease and as smart as I am I too starve myself and it makes me happy. I honestly almost loathe myself right now. I had such a healthy body and I just ruined it and the damage is ever-lasting.

I am going to try to take some pepto and see if that doesn’t help quell my stomach. I feel so crappy. I don’t dare look in the mirror. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be one week from my fortieth birthday. I got to get on this, and change this mini-mental mind fucking game I have been dealt in.



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