Part of it is that I was out at a political rally for 4 hours with my daughter and although we made some amazing memories I feel stuck in my routine and that routine didn’t happen today!
I am in need of a break. Unfortunately I don’t know how to take one and my body will not allow it.
I am very worn out. Feeling defeated for no real reason other than I have a lot physically going on and today it sort of hit me when I was out with my daughter and I hurt-everywhere.
I was even treated like a person with disabilities-no nothing wrong with that but that is how I am viewed and how I truly am right now. I am really quite fractured. They run deep and I need a rest.
My mind on the otherhand has other thoughts. It is running at a million miles a minute and shows no signs of slowly down.
I need to rest everything-my body and my mind.
It isn’t going to happen on its own or naturally and I do fear the hospital for the rest part. I am very tired and can’t keep up the pace my body and mind are running at!
I haven’t a clue as what to do except try to rest at bedtime even though I doubt I can sleep.
I did sleep for like an hour and fifteen minutes. Truly a bad joke on my mind and body. I didn’t go get coffee this maniac’s hours. I was too spent and still dying for a deep slumber that has eluded me in a long time.
I eventually went back and laid down as I couldn’t find a rhythm out at my desk. Writing wasn’t flowing and my thoughts were all mangled in the garble of my external voice. I went back and laid down and couldn’t find any peace whatsoever.
For those of you who have experienced not being able to find peace you know what I am talking about-for others it is the scariest, loneliest, and darkest place to exist.
I jumped up out of bed fearing everything including myself. I was not afraid of self-harm, that isn’t something I have ever contemplated besides cutting myself as a college student. I feared for me, and what would happen if I couldn’t find peace. Peace is essential to our beings and existence and without it we are vacant and lost and numb.
Oblivion is what I think I would call it. It scares me to death. It is like no other feeling that is so void or empty. I can’t be empty or void, where am I when this happens? I wonder and ponder where does my soul go? Or does it too go numb……I count on my soul which is truly who I am to be consistent and steadfast. It can’t fail me in the darkest moments but it does.
I got up and went to my friend and foe: the mirror. I looked into the mirror and looked specifically at my eyes. Could I find me in there? It took a moment but there I was. Without peace but I was there.
I took a deep breath and stayed far from my bed-I couldn’t feel that again this early morning.
I came out to the computer and I immediately started to write about it although there was no ending, no conclusion. I don’t write like that usually.
I found as I began to write a veil of familiarity draped me like a veil, and I took deep breaths of it and resuscitated my soul.
This was way more than I asked for this morning or any morning.
I am through writing back to me. I feel the presence f my soul and although peace eludes me I find comfort in writing about the incident and realize I am okay without peace, it is my soul I can not lose.
I pray today is a good day, with a break in the Chi (energy) although I don’t count on it and if I can keep from getting laid up like I did last night with dark thoughts and worries I will be forever grateful to be spared such disequilibrium of my person.
BORN THIS WAY-2016