Finding My Peace-It Still Eludes Me

I slid into my fourth decade praying and searching for Peace. It is something that eludes me on a very fundamental level. Today I have been very far from feeling peaceful as I have been #HECTIC with frenetic thoughts and kinetic energy that has me in overdrive with my productivity.

Maybe it is the pain pills I have recently started taking? I wasn’t keen on them to start, but less than a week since they have been prescribed and I am finally taking them as directed to quell the gnawing pain in my bones and joints.

I wondered if I thought differently on pain pills? I know they affect my ability to sleep and that sleep eludes me even more so when I am taking the pain pills. I have an incredulous month’s worth of pain pills at a moderate to high dosage for severe pain from my fall eight weeks ago.

I just was riding the spirit of the golden elixir but the pain in my limbs was too great to not take my overdue pills. I am quite sure I am slowed down enough to think cohesively when on the pain pills. I certainly didn’t need the golden elixir mixed with my own brain fire and mania.

I feel a bit more centered and finally a bit relieved from the pain which haunts my being whenever I am free of these tiny white pills. I am well aware of the opioid epidemic and spoke at length with my doctor. He is not concerned about any problems as I am very complaint about all my medications and have never had a problem managing my pills.

I wonder what will happen in a month? I am only through the first of four necessary surgeries, and this week schedule my second surgery for hopefully the week after to break my foot in two places and realign my toes, with the aid of stainless steel pins. It is not from the fall, it is a surgery I need in order to get to the huge operation I will be faced with to realign my leg at some point in the near future. I have been rather bummed about this surgery, as I have avoided it for quite a few years and chose pain over the surgery. Funny, how our decisions sometimes come right back to bite us in the ass.

I start rehab this week for my leg that was just operated on three weeks ago. It was at the same time my fire in my head started to burn really fast and out of control; at a pace I could barely withstand. I am much better with the fire now, and see that it was just a recalibration of my brain’s pace, and nothing to get all worked up about as I originally did.

Today, is one of those days, where my productivity begins to scare me, and I wonder are things getting out of control? I was certain I was staying up through the night earlier this afternoon, but now I feel like I should make sure I can reach sleep as I am more than a bit incredulous at the amount of thinking and writing I have paired together thus far and it isn’t even 4:30 pm. I could continue to put a big dent in my anorexia story but think maybe quieting my brain is in order if I am capable of even doing so.

I love my fire and my brain’s abilities, but I know they can turn on me and these days I seem to worry a lot more about my body’s well-being. The pain pills are quelling the pain but not the fire. I am a bit exhausted at the frenetic pace I have kept up since later this morning.

I am going to write a bit on anorexia, and see about doing some reading, and finding out about attending a debate party for tonight. Although if Hillary kills the Don I will be so #AMPED I shall never see sleep tonight. This debate has me all fired up as I feel Hillary has a chance to drive home the homerun knockout punch tonight yet I am nervous the Don will come out swinging himself as he is angrier than a hornet at the media and fellow Republicans for shunning him after the hot microphone video.

Perhaps getting into a relaxed and cozy state at my own house, and quieting my brain is what I should do prior to the debate this evening? I just don’t want to become a train running out of control. It is such a high to get to frenetic and I feed off of it and it becomes a vicious cycle.

I am trying as I write to slow myself, my thoughts, my eagerness to produce down to a place somewhere close to the outer banks of normal. I thought the pain pills would do that as when I took them for the first time last week on Wednesday I ended up feeling quite like a zombie and it scared me. I am a bit frightened at how quickly this crazy body and fiery brain acclimated to the pills. It hasn’t even been a week. Perhaps, I should be concerned even if my doctor isn’t? I don’t want any problems with pills, and any form of dependency or tolerance.

I am just going to stop the paranoia and let myself be. There is nothing wrong with my actions or behaviors, so I wrote and blogged a lot today and worked on the campaign as well. It surely isn’t something to turn into panic attack material, right? Or am I wrong? Oh I wish I had someone to discuss this with, and I do, but I wouldn’t ever tell anyone in my immediate life what is going on with me and my body and my worry about the pain pills. That would cause nothing but a big mess of a headache for myself with whomever I spoke with.

I need to run with this moment, it is pure bliss, like having the maniac’s hours all day long. No complaints from me, right? What more or less could or should I  ask for? Why am I so sensitive to my fiery brain? I realize it is because I keep getting further away from

everyone else, and it is lonely for starters.

I am used to the solitude, but I miss certain things right now that can not be helped. I will ride this swell out on my short board, and look for smaller waves to continue my solo ride this late afternoon into the early evening.

Maybe it is time to come off the computer and write in my hard journal. I believe I have some writing worthy of my hard journal this afternoon. I will go with it, but maybe unplug, as there is too much electricity between the electronics and myself. It is all becoming one big blur. Time to stop and take a break from the electronics as I feel like I am my own epic machine this afternoon and I am just a tad uncomfortable with it. What happened to Corey who longed for this chaos? I am here, just feeling far off and distant from those I love and care about. Time to reach out and talk and stop with the writing. I know touching base with Bella and a friend or two will help quell the burn.

Here is to a hell of a day blogging, and a hopeful night of decompression, and off-line writing I can use later when I turn everything back on again.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

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