I awoke after 9 am this morning. I watched the debate and then chatted with my daughter Bella until almost one am.
I was told before I could really open my eyes never mind my own mind, that my blogs were concerning to someone who cares about me. Unfortunately, I let it pass due to my brain’s fire just heating up, and now the moment is lost and they are asleep in another part of the world for the next 6 hours.
Now that I have had time to process, and reread my posts in question, I am inclined not to post in such a public forum with my blog. These questionable posts were shared through a Facebook interface and that probably is straying too far from my viewers.
I am experiencing mania of a very different sort that others reckon is akin to bipolar which it bares no relationship. I feel that judgment by the people who are not informed about my type of mania lends itself to egregious linear comparisons of the depressed which once again my fiery brain shares nothing in common. I am rather touchy about people who state they understand, or have been in a similar way. I am not even sure of my state of being even when I attach words to it. Nobody knows except me how I truly feel, and I am assured by my own opinion that my prose falls short of a truly deft description of my current state of mind.
For starters, I am not lost but actually quite found and over-exposed. A look of supposed vacancy in my eyes describe by one person, is yet interpreted as almost poetic as another feels they almost see my soul.
For these reasons, I will keep at my writing and self-disclosure and exposure to get as close to accurate as I feel is a correct and accurate account of my state of mind.
Sleeping through the maniac’s hours or let’s say going to bed and falling asleep during the maniac’s hours was not a good decision on my part personally. Although I slept, I had a dream, more like a nightmare without the fright that awoken me to a place of disproportionate alienation.
I am glad to be finished with that type of unfitful rest, and grateful to be back blogging more about my mind and where I am going with my day and this week on this Monday, Columbus Day.
I am #AMPED with my coffee and Adderall to formulate the perfect and insane golden elixir. I have yet to deal with my pain, so the effects of pain pills elude me at the present moment as I stave off the inevitable that is just around the corner.
Coming off of the debate last night I must get to the Clinton campaign office and make contact with people who are working on the ground. The weekend was a mess with yesterday being a pretty steady rain all day and probably making canvassing door to door impossible. Saturday would have been different, and I suppose as a result the virtual/digital phone banking system I work within will prove to be of great importance in this state of New Hampshire where HRC and Trump are deadlocked.
I am feeling myself get #HECTIC as I write about the campaign and that remains only one of many tasks I face this Monday morning at the top of the week. Actually today I just remembered is Columbus Day, so as a holiday with many people home I am sure the canvassing will be full tilt today as well to make up for yesterday.
My thoughts are beginning to dance all over the place, which is why the circuitous thought process regarding canvassing and Columbus Day today. I must quell the fire to a pace that I might discern my thoughts a bit more clearly and without a moment of chasing my tail so to speak.
I will take my second Adderall dose as prescribed and put off the pain medication as I try first and foremost to establish a firewall within myself. I know these words I write might seem concerning to some not fully aware of my personal situation however, this is my normal and despite the increase in heat, the fire has burned continuously since birth. There is no need to be concerned it doesn’t warrant concern. I write to express myself as I am a factual oddity and my pace of my brain is quite differentiated amongst others to a great degree of variation.
I have come close to what I believe is normal due to unfortunate circumstances surrounding running out of Adderall due to my lapse of medication management over two months ago. I experienced a quelling of my fire to such a significant degree I was panicked I might have lost the fire forever. I now know how impossible that is with something so organic as my fire in my brain. It might be capable of being temporarily suspended but naturally it isn’t going anywhere and I am assured with a great degree of relief I needn’t not worry about such an extinguishment.
I am feeling somewhat better with the ingestion of my second Adderall and coffee and remain on track to accomplish today’s tasks that still at 12:24 pm remain right in front of me. It does not make sense to go to the office when the New Hampshire team is out canvassing. I will take care of other matters, many which are personal and happen to be rote tasks I need to complete on a daily basis.
My head wants to dive into a blog and refute those naysayers with concerns. I promise myself I will not write in a space where I am judged for my wellness, when I am obviously not understood by those who profess alignment and concurrence with me. I should say NO far from concurrence we remain and it shall be the case because they do not share in my pure mania. I haven’t a clue as how to educate them without insult to injury and since egos are getting involved my demeanor is flashing a warning red light of careful where you post and to whom you post to.
I get amazing personal questions from my readers, but never an assumption of familiarity or similarity but more of curiosity of that which remains unknown or not written about in such graphic detail like some readers want. I realize I am writing to a lot of varied readers and with that in mind I chose my details carefully. If anybody is looking for more exacting details of the minutia I will happily ingratiate them with a copious amount of murky details that will not leave one stone unturned.
I have a post coming next that is worthy of writing this very afternoon and posting as starting tomorrow I have medical appointments followed by physical therapy, and work on the campaign as we are now under 30 days until elections.
I must go to campus and sign up for my classes and also purchase my plane ticket for Florida to spend Thanksgiving with my family. Tomorrow is very busy and will require being awake during the maniac’s hours to post before the rest of my obligations take over.
I must schedule surgery today on my foot and hope that I might get operated on next week while my parents are still here and haven’t left for Florida.
I am off to write my final post for today, and take care of my personal tasks to keep my household afloat and in shape.
I am wary of the response to this post but needn’t concern myself when I assure you all I am well within my normal and that may look very #SCATTERED but it remains very manageable for me.
BORN THIS WAY–2016