I awoke this morning late for my life. I slept through the maniac’s hours as I dozed deeply into the dim morning light to awaken late for not just my life but a doctor’s appointment I missed yesterday.
I had all I could do to cover my body in inappropriate summer garb, that would fit over my injured legs, and hail a cab, of which my life depends upon, to drive me straight away for my cognitive testing for my mania.
It was presented to me as a wellness examination but it really amounted to a test of cerebral sorts to test my brain masquerading as a mind on fire with flames not completely under control. I answered the benign questions, and was hoping for so much more, something that pushed and pressed my mind into deep thought and contemplation.
I was only to be disappointment when finally it appeared the test might take a turn and max out my depth of knowledge comingled in the fire and racing thoughts I could manage as I had not ingested my golden elixir this rushed morning.
To my dismay the final question which raised hope in me for a challenge that might have been forth coming was instantly invalidated by the closure and completion of the test with 100 percent accuracy and record timing. No, I wasn’t happy, I wanted more, as I am always left with such feelings, and when the doctor appeared I pressed him for a more robust test that would challenge me until I would at long last fail. I don’t know where that end point is located and nor do any of the medical professionals. I had even taken 2 pain pills so I thought for sure I wouldn’t be razor sharp but the test didn’t require razor sharpness from me in the least.
Once again I was not one with the medical establishment and I went home disappointed and yearning to be challenged by someone, something other than myself pushing my own boundaries. Why hasn’t that happened in so long? I believe the answer had to do with the addition of pain pills and the medical staff wanted to be sure a week into the prescription I was not failing or slipping cognitively.
I was so disappointed I came home and delved into my new blog regarding my personal spirituality and my traversing of holy and philosophical grounds to lead me to my current home as a Christian-Buddhist in the Episcopal church. I didn’t write about the monastic life I miss or yearn for, or how I replaced the teachings of the Buddha with Sir Thomas Merton. I will be sure to mention that later in my next post and see where it takes me.
I have been missing the teachings of Merton and his writings and given thought to re-reading his body of work for some comfort and much needed solace. Without the maniac’s hours and my golden elixir I am left with a cockeyed day and subject myself to unrealistic writing goals, and other rigid and personal goals of my home and my hygiene. I am now on a new mission since I turned forty of a deeper more fulfilling preservation of my skin, teeth, and hair. I am a bit off the charts Mad about the whole aging process and want to be sure that all I did in my first three decades to preserve myself is multiplied and carried out in strict formation for this decade and the ones to follow.
I have finally been worrying less about my health, I believe it was a wrinkle in my turning forty and I had to really work through the brush beneath my feet that my demons lead by the darkness of the daylight in collaboration with the Devil did not wreck havoc on my fragile being and soul that is so blessedly protected by what I believe to be Angels in my own Divine schematic but do not know for sure thus should refrain from talking about something I am resolved to not nothing in full detail at this moment.
I was able to come home and ingest my golden elixir and write more than my first post on my spirituality thanks to Adderall and coffee taken a bit over an hour ago. I am grateful that I was fully propelled forward to writing my first post free of any chemical dependency and no further urging of motivation other than my pure desire to write on the desired topic.
I find myself in a place between here and there as I try to make sense out of my injuries and subsequent surgeries that are impending in a low curving bend in my straight away road. I can’t get information regarding my foot surgery and I am now on hold waiting to speak with my team or someone who can help me out with my surgery plans.
I am not all that happy about the lack of cohesive care I am not receiving from this one practice that houses all my surgeons. I am one person, with one body and no cohesive medical care. I just got a call from the head of the practice for all the surgeons and he agreed with me that my care is not okay or acceptable and I have his direct number to follow up with him. I am very grateful for my ability to speak with articulate and thought provoking speech that represents my me and my situation. I am hopeful that I will now get the second surgery done asap.
I am in need of an Adderall and some more coffee but need to quell naturally my brain that is on fire and my mind that is pissed off about my care.
I am without a doubt very blessed with my own voice that speaks purely from logic and facts and dismisses the emotions pent up inside of me to converse with a helpful person who is advocating for me. I know not everyone can do this and do it with grace, as for a long time I lacked the grace but a few years ago I found it and I was able to adjust my emotions accordingly. Emotions are served best in love and worst in the business world. I am grateful I can differentiate between the two and I almost tore this man a new ass but saved it, and as a result came out in a better place than I would have.
Being in my fortieth year, I am able to discern the difference between what makes me feel good, and that which moves my agenda ahead in forward motion.
I am not hungry today and the scale is down three pounds. I must not let the insidious anorexia play any more havoc with my fiery brain and the intricate web of energy deposits so impractically placed in my body. I am just going to fasten my seat-belt and enjoy the epic ride of mayhem and #HECTIC #DYSORDER that prevails without competition in my mind. The mind I use that belongs to whom I am not sure, as the medical profession calls it their own, and I one to lay claim to my brain unlike any other piece of my being. Later, more on my pure mania and the crackling of my fire that echoes through my mind into my ears and out for my soul to manage in the depths of light filled with the darkness of vacancy that runs amuck within my mind and shines through the deep blue sea of my eyes.
I am ready to push send and return with the unmedicated Mania Madness that fills the creases of the outer fringe of my mind and the Mania Madness rings clear like the bell rung for dinner in a house run with proper manners and reserve…….
BORN THIS WAY-2016