It is the last half of the maniac’s hours and a new day is upon me.
I read and wrote for most of the maniac’s hours in my off-line journal where I am asking and pleading with God for unwavering faith.
I told the story yesterday about going to the gym and landing square on my face. Today, I begin a new with a new spring in my step. Nothing has changed yet everything is different.
I have seen the reality of my body in the gym, yet I still have decided to start where I am, even if it is miles from where I thought I would leap.
Shocking doesn’t begin to describe the feelings I felt yesterday when I could only lift 10 pound weights. I was stunned, embarrassed, angry and scared.
The good thing about today is it isn’t yesterday. I now know where I am not and I won’t be surprised when I go back to the gym today.
I am over the hideous and revolting feelings I experienced yesterday. I am facing my reality straight on and in doing so I have a much more healthy and realistic mindset even if I am deep in the garbage dumpster. I am disgusted where I am, but thankful I have a body that can do the workout regardless of how trite.
I had my first physical therapy appointment today and will be bogged down with physical therapy for my knee and my thumb. I hope I am able to make improvement and get on with my next surgery as soon as possible.
I didn’t sleep last night but for 45 minutes and I over slept my bus ride to therapy and had to take a cab. I stayed up through the maniac’s hours and read my Bible and wrote in my hard-bound journal.
I am writing a lot about my anorexia and its affect on the totality of my body. I honestly never expected to be where I was yesterday. I am settling into the new mindset I need to get back to the gym and start where I am without the emotional turmoil that brewed up yesterday and sent me into a downward spiral. Time is funny like that, as with a little bit of it you can adjust your initial reaction and regroup to a place that is more suitable for continuing with what I was doing to begin with.
It would have helped if I had a buddy with me yesterday to distract me from the red blinking light that was me on fire in a way that I have never discussed before.
This morning my brain is on furious fire and my mind is scrambling to keep up with it. A little different than the last couple of days, but still my mind is in sync with my fiery brain for the most part. I wrote last night about my battle with anorexia and I do believe I need to keep up that conversation.
My anorexia is something that I push or sweep under the rug, and with this gym fiasco I am back to staring it right into the ugly monster’s eye. I can not deny my problems just because I went from 69 pounds to 103 pounds. I thought I had conquered the anorexia yet I still have at least another 15 pounds to put on and if I followed the medical advice it would be thirty more pounds.
I don’t think I am capable of adding another 30 pounds to my frame, but I can see an additional 15 pounds off in the far distance. I think my goal has to be in 5 pound increments until I make it to 115 pounds. I don’t see 110 pounds as unreasonable it is just going to take time and retooling to get there healthfully and without mental anguish.
I wish there was a blog on recovery that I could read for inspiration. Nobody seems to be struggling with my problems that I can relate to and learn from. If anyone knows of a particular blog that I would benefit from I would love to know about it as it could help me dig myself out of my hole with a bit of easy and guidance.
I am dealing with a friend who told me out of the blue that they weren’t sure they wanted to read my blogs. My blogs are my gift to the world as average as they can be. It is still my gift of my perhaps simple thoughts, and this person has lost the privilege of my words and thoughts. I wont be insulted by a friend who doesn’t support me and my endeavors. It is as simple as that!
Back to the anorexia I need to call upon all those that have suffered along with me and on their own, as I truly rise from the ashes and make my fight against anorexia an outright fight. Please know I do fight for all of you suffering to one degree or another.
I wouldn’t be here without the readers who read and respond to my blog, and the strength I get from your support is something I can’t thank you enough. I am up for the task of fighting this insidious disease one more time for the last fight to extinguish the monster from my life and my thoughts.
I don’t think about starving myself anymore and I want more than anything to bring down this monster and give the just defeat it deserves for all of us fighting this monster.
I am getting ready to head back to the gym and try day number two, with much less attackful goals today. Honestly just showing up is a feat and I hope to make my second day memorable just by showing up and going through my workout at the speed and intensity I am capable at this time. I am regretful that I didn’t approach yesterday with a more realistic goal in mind which would have spared me the agony of all the pain and distress I felt yesterday.
I am off to the gym and I will be back in a few hours to fill you all in on my second day and my newfound mindset. It can’t get any worse than yesterday!
BORN THIS WAY-2016