Maniacal Musings: Rebuilding

I am committed and determined to make it through day three of my 6 week workout routine. I am at the very least humbled and demoralized by where I am starting.

Day one was the hardest reality shock, and now I am just starting where I am and pushing forward. I have a new goal to add to forty and that is to regain my physical fitness to the best of my ability during the next 11 months.

I am without hesitation and filled with determination to get by where I am and move forward with my physical well-being of paramount importance. I know I needn’t worry about competitive goals, as adding a personal workout to my day, does not interfere with my other goals or plans that are well underway.

I am working on my chest, back, shoulders, and abs today. I will not worry about my anorexia as I am at a safe weight of 100 pounds, and I will buy a muscle milk shake afterwards and add some farmer’s milk. My pug, Julia Bleu, is worried because I am leaving, and she needs to get used to it as I plan on making my workout at the gym a daily habit.

I am somewhat motivated but my demoralization is hard to get past the clouds of humility that cover my sun and my outlook on the workout ahead of me.

I will not do cardio as with my injuries I can’t and will solely stick to the cables and dumbbells. I am leaving soon for the gym, awaiting my ride, and will do my best to motivate myself for as hard and as thorough a workout as possible.

I am back from day three at the gym and I burned out my chest, back, and shoulders, and abs.  I have to figure out what I am calling these first two weeks, of this mayhem of a chaotic comeback that drives me to tears and distraction and leaves my pride with tire marks left all over it. I am just trying to show up, and push it out. These first two weeks need a name and a separate goal. I think I am calling these first two weeks, “Showing Up to Work Out The Kinks.”

Okay, so now I have a name for my two first weeks, and I just completed my third day of my workouts. I am high off endorphins and crazy tired to the bone. I haven’t a clue as to how I am going to get to the gym tomorrow. At least it is twenty-four hours away.

I came home, my body still shaking from being pushed to the pathetic max of my workout and made a shake with a banana and some almond milk and prescription shake mix for my anorexia. I added some farmer’s strawberry milk to it and made two servings. I will bottle up the extra portion for tomorrow and clean up the major mess I made in the kitchen.

I am doing much better mind-wise about the lame place I am in physically, but know everyday I go to the gym I am one step closer to getting to a strong me, even if that stronger is so weak and pathetic to me in the big picture. As I have stated I can only start where I am, and I will say this about myself, I am dedicated, and driven to my goals and objectives, and will make this six weeks the best I can. I will show up everyday, and I say that without any doubt or hesitation. I am steadfast and my mind is as strong as they come, as I have mentioned you don’t restrict yourself or let’s be real, starve yourself from 130 pounds to 69 pounds without a sick mind for sure but also a very STRONG MIND.

I  realize that I have really been helped by others suffering with #RECOVERY with #ANOREXIA and their stories and words of encouragement. It is sad but it is a wonderful world when people sharing in the same problems and diseases can help and support one another. That is my main goal of writing my story of anorexia for all the others effected by the insidious disease and the fall out from it.

I am so grateful for my blogging world and all the comments and support I have received especially through this really hard trip on my back to the gym. I am grateful for today and my ability to blog and make it to the gym.

I have some dark thoughts circling through my head about my anorexia and my ability to overcome my stalemate of where I am weight wise and where I really need to go in the future. I pray with my continued gym attendance that my weight hang-ups will dissipate and I will be headed to higher, healthier ground.

This is a really hard time for me and is stressing me out on multiple levels with my diminished strength at the gym and my lack of progress with my weight. I know I am not alone and I find great comfort to some degree in that, but at the same time I need to get my weight up above 105 pounds first and then shot for 110 pounds. This is so easy to write yet has eluded me for many, many months of trying, or thinking I am trying. I am full now from the shake, the endorphins have worn off, and I feel heavy and not well with my body. I just don’t understand why I can not overcome this disease as I am okay with my mind. I realize I don’t want to lose anymore weight but putting it on is a real problem. I pray to the God above for help and I am digging deep inside myself to drag my sorry, feeble ass out of this state of a stalemate that has me spinning my wheels for a very long time without forward movement.

I am hitting the darkness of the wall anorexics know all too well and I have no idea how to keep myself up and above the water’s edge so I don’t drown in my own failures of weight restoration.

Something is stuck inside of me, and I can only hope that going to the gym I start to build healthy thoughts and perceptions about my body and that it once again becomes the machine it once was when I was in peek physical shape before I was stricken with this insidious #ANOREXIA.

I am down and low but will fight like everyone else does everyday who reads and responds to my blog. I am so grateful and without my readers for #ANOREXIA I would be so lost and so much more down and out. I hope perhaps to hear from some of you to see me through as well.



2 thoughts on “Maniacal Musings: Rebuilding

  1. I do not know the wall you describe that anorexics know but I do know the darkness so well that I can now see in the dark. When your darkness begins to fall reach out and take my hand and together we will return to the light and to love, Pure and True.


  2. I do not know the wall you describe that anorexics know but I do know the darkness so well that I can now see in the dark. When your darkness begins to fall reach out and take my hand and together we will return to the light and to love, Pure and True.


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