This morning I awoke 45 minutes after I went to sleep. I am fighting the worst case of Mania Madness in a very long time.
I made my way to the store to get my latte coffee with my pug, Julia Bleu.. Eugene was outside the store basically waiting for me.
I was really not in the mood to chat or socialize I didn’t mind buying him stuff of course but I wanted to leave it at that. However, that is not my way with Eugene and I believe he really wanted out of the cold last night.
We said hello, and I told him I would meet him at the register. I made my coffee and tried wrapping my mind around having him over for a bit. It was under my skin that I wasn’t well myself and needed to be quiet and get my coffee so I could take my Adderall and write to release some pressure mounting in my head. I realized we always do exactly what Eugene wants, and he leaves when it is best for him and he has what he wants. I understand it is the least I can do for a homeless person but there had to be room for me as I am not at my best and I am in need of things that Eugene can not offer me.
I swallowed my anger and when we got to the register he said, “So I will eat when we get to your house” It was 12:45 am and I wasn’t not spending my entire morning with him. He was more than welcome to stay at my house but I needed to write and manage my fire and Madness to the best of my ability as things are not going well in that regard for me. I said, “Okay but I have work I need to do so feel free to stay until you want to leave but after I heat up your pasta and we catch up I need to do stuff for myself as I am not feeling well. He asked, “What is the matter with you?” I said, “I am not sleeping and my Mania is not really good at all right now. I don’t want you to think I don’t want to see you or help you I just need to keep myself afloat at this time as well.” He was okay with that and didn’t ask anymore questions.
I paid for his stuff and mine and we walked towards my house. I asked Eugene if he had changed his mind about a phone, and he said yes he would really appreciate a new one. I told him I would order him one online at Amazon along with the minutes and it should be here in less than two days. He was genuinely happy with that. We got back to my house, and Eugene followed me into the kitchen where I prepared his canned pasta and heated it up for him. I went and got my Adderall and took it with my coffee. I instantly felt better even though I knew it was only going to last for a little bit.
Eugene’s food was ready and I suggested we go into my study where I could order his phone on my laptop and I could put on the TV and stream the news on CNN. Eugene was fine with that and I convinced him to take off his jacket and get comfortable. He was more than happy as I think he was hungry but tired too. I went and got a spare pillow and a fleece throw and told him if he was tired he could rest on my couch. He said he was very hungry and very tired so maybe he would take a nap if that was alright. I was happy he was comfortable enough to relax now at my place, and I was thrilled he might sleep and I might get some of the golden elixir to work while I wrote.
I had him bring a chair over to my desk where I was seated with my laptop and logging onto Amazon. I asked him to pick a phone and he said if we could find the one he had before that is the one he preferred as he finally knew how to work it. I found the phone and it was on sale which was great, and I bought him minutes knowing the phone he had tripled the minutes you loaded onto it. Since the phone was on sale I paid for one day shipping and the delivery was confirmed as later today. I have no idea how Amazon can make good on its same day delivery but it does. Eugene was thrilled and I told him I would meet him at the store tomorrow morning at 2 am and he could plan on coming over to eat and get his phone. Once the phone was ordered Eugene asked me about the computer and if at some point we could set up an email account for him. I said sure we could do it tomorrow morning.
He brought his dishes out to the kitchen and came back and I noticed just how exhausted he looked. I suggested he lay down and nap and told him if he didn’t want the TV on to just shut it off. He was already laying down under the fleece and getting comfortable and that is when it hit me like a ton of bricks: Eugene had no warm place to rest regularly and his reality was quite stark when I thought about it. I was angry at myself for wanting time to myself as I saw how selfish I was being but he really wanted and needed to rest so all was good and I needn’t beat myself up for having Mania Madness.
Eugene is sound asleep now as I write and I am happy he feels comfortable to crash on the couch. It is new and uncharted territory for us and of course I think of Stephanie and how I will call and tell her about Eugene crashing on my couch. I miss her deeply and I don’t know if what I am doing is the right thing at all. I mean she is so perfect for me and I don’t really have a solid reason that is real to explain my behavior and my pushing her away.
I am feeling the golden elixir and I am feeling the fire eat up my golden elixir and over power it with its brute strength that is getting harder and harder for me to resist.
I really don’t want to go into the hospital so as long as I can manage it I will just lay low at my house, see Bella when I can and when it is my time, and make it through the visits, and keep on pushing back on the fire that is wrecking havoc on my mind and body. I can do this for a while and lay low, and maybe just maybe have Stephanie come over and spend some time with her as I miss her more and more each day. I must laugh as Eugene is snoring so loudly that he even woke up Julia Bleu who is usually the one snoring! I don’t know why it is funny but if Julia Bleu could speak she would be aggravated right now as I see her coming towards me and wanting up on my lap.
Julia Bleu has sought refuge on my lap and I pray Eugene is just in a deep sleep finally warm and out of the elements.
I can not summit to entering a psych ward for lack of sleep. I really don’t belong there and I have an ex-friend who is off their rocker who just entered a psych ward yesterday, and I am instantly reminded I am not sick like him and I mean no offense to mentally ill people in need of psych wards, it is just not the right place for a person with pure mania who needs to be treated by a neurologist to go for lack of sleep. I always stand out at the psych ward, as I seem to stand out everywhere it appears these days. Not sure what changed about me, but in being my authentic self I stand out for hopefully the right reasons. I am 100 percent genuine and authentic and I often get treated with kit gloves I believe because of the anorexia I once was such a victim of these last couple of years. Now Julia Bleu has joined Eugene in snoring and it is me listening to the two of them have a dual of snoring inside my study which is supposed to be my sanctuary from all outside noise.
It is time to get Eugene up as the sun is rising and I need to take another Adderall with some of my new addiction, diet orange soda. The other day I laughed so hard I went to brush my teeth after drinking a bottle of orange soda only to find the biggest orange streak across my top lip! I could have very easily walked out of the house like that and yet I wonder why I am standing out drawing attention these days!
Pajamas and ski caps are just the beginning of my cloak of visibility the minority people like to talk about, I don’t think I choose pajamas and a ski cap for my cloak of visibility but it isn’t far off what I would choose.
Okay world, good morning to you and I wish you all a peaceful Veteran’s Day. With the deepest gratitude for our men and women who serve our country and for those who gave their lives for our country I say thank you with the greatest sincerity and gratitude I can possibly muster up today. No matter what is going on post-election it is today we honor all veterans and display our respect for each and everyone of them. Everything else can wait it won’t be going anywhere and this day is just one day to give thanks to people that deserve our outward thanks each and every day!
BORN THIS WAY-2016