Nerve

I have managed to get this far since my surgery without thinking about my follow-up surgery appointment on Monday at 11:10 am.

Now I am thinking a lot about my tumor and what the doctor might say or what might be on Monday when I see the doctor.

I have had a couple of weeks away and didn’t think about the thoughts which dance in my head at this time and I believe will be in head somewhat through Monday when I see the doctor.  I knew when I had the surgery after the doctor told me he didn’t know what was in my hand that I might have a cancerous tumor on my left ring finger that has been on my hand for at least 18 months.

The thoughts have been brewing today and I know that they will stick with me through this weekend until Monday gets here and I get notice of either yes it is cancer or no it is benign.

I have talked with Stephanie and I have thought about what might lay in front of me, but I honestly haven’t a clue. I had given some thought to the fact that I didn’t get a call telling me that the growth was benign and I have alternatively thought and pondered the fact I didn’t receive a phone call telling me it was cancer either.

I have spoken to Stephanie who is home with me and will be here through Monday morning when she goes to work and I head out to the surgeon’s office on my own as I choose, to meet with the doctor and get whatever details the doctor is privy to.

Stephanie has made herself available to me today or anytime this weekend as well as Monday. I have told her as late as today that Monday is something I really need to do on my own. I have made it clear that my appointment on Monday is something I need to attend to on my own. Not only that but I need to meet with the doctor on my own and have a private discussion with him without anyone else being there with me to hear the news on my future perhaps, or maybe not.

It boils down to fate and my destiny perhaps or maybe it isn’t depending altogether on the news that might come out on Monday morning.

I always know my life is changing and anything is always possible, but Monday is a day that tosses everything into the air perhaps and I might end up with undesirable news I might have to contemplate or maybe not. It is all maybe or maybe not and this weekend is all up in the air with the ultimate unknown and the burden of what might be or wont be come late Monday morning after the doctor deals me either a pass or a go to jail and game changer card.

I am edgy and uptight about what I am not quite sure about and the unnecessary uncertainty of the next few days until my doctor sheds light on my situation at my appointment Monday morning.

My goals right now are to focus with Stephanie on getting past the uncertainty and letting things ride without much forethought into what may be a game changer or might be a great day of reprieve from the caustic nature of my uncertainty and my life as it might be changed. Regardless, I can choose to rewind myself and my mind so that regardless of the news on Monday I am not tossed into a storm of proportions which are greater than any news I might receive.

My life will be whatever I decide if my mind is strong enough to remain determined in my spirituality of unwavering faith  and Divine Intervention. My spirituality is in need of some examination this weekend regardless of anything else I might decide to do or let myself worry about in the big scheme of the Divine and sacred life that I choose everyday in finding the sacred in the ordinary. A little post from that blog in my mindset I need to adopt before the night is over might not be a bad move for myself and those I love and will be spending time with this weekend. My sweet and brilliant Stephanie is ready to support me in any capacity I desire and I know her faith is strong and that I should probably call it game over now, because with my faith in the sacred in the ordinary it matters very little about the news I might get on Monday and that is where I must remain focused and determined to stay this weekend and after my appointment on Monday.

My life can not be so precarious that some news from a doctor on Monday derails me or puts my upcoming weekend into a tailspin with the devil so to speak because it is only through pure evil that my destiny and my fate can be so altered in one day, in one appointment that I can unravel in such an unhealthy way. I wear my cross and have my beliefs for a specific reason with determination not necessary for me to be okay and well with myself and with the Universe.

Stephanie deserves the credit for this post on what might be, and the thoughtfulness she put forth with me in setting me straight and not letting myself become a prisoner to my mind or thoughts on this weekend or on Monday or any other day where I deem it might be significant. I will never be ready or sure of any moment that alters the course of that which I know and believe and my beliefs are much stronger than any uncertainty and false worry I might fall captive to in the wake of a little operation with a report outstanding that on its own is not reflective of my fate or destiny.

I am once again grateful to my God and my Faith as well as to Stephanie for setting in motion positive vibes and useful thought processes that make Monday a day with an outstanding report which regardless of the news would need additional follow up and intervention from the medical establishment at best and at worst if I truly think about that which I believe and hold true in my heart.

Wow, feeling really good and like this post was a game changer and one necessary for myself and my overall well-being in my overall general Faith. It is important to check in with ourselves whether we have a Monday appointment or not honestly……..

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

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