It is Saturday and Mania Madness is running wild through my under medicated mind and body.
I feel like I am naked in black socks or are white socks worse? I have spent the morning spinning my wheels as I try to gather up all the Slack.com info and manage Rainbow Nation for its first organizational call on Monday evening.
I am under the weather and Stephanie is well aware of it as I am not taking all my Adderall to combat the Mania Madness because I feel a bit edgy and nerved up about my Monday morning appointment with the hand surgeon. I have done pretty well at keeping it all together and managing the affects of the unknowns which currently reside littered all throughout my existence.
I have a lot in my life that is not nailed down at the current moment and with that is a huge vat of uneasiness and racing thoughts I am not equipped to manage without my proper dosage of Adderall but will forgo to compensate for the lack of stillness that eludes my mind and body in its current state.
I am so #AMPED UP and #HECTIC as I make my way through Saturday and get ready to go out and see my daughter, Bella, who is working hard this weekend to get all of her schoolwork and violin done by Sunday night. Stephanie and I are taking Bella out to her favorite restaurant with my ex-wife in just a little bit. I am so far from hungry and will do my best to order something and push it around to make a good impression.
I am looking forward to the WBFF fitness competition in Atlantic City tonight as I have friends competing and a bet with a friend that she will get her PRO status.
I am far from being in any type of shape, but tomorrow Stephanie and I head to the gym for some light weights and cardio. Having been a full-scholarship division I basketball player who turned to Buff obstacle course racing I am used to having a lean, strong and fast body that all my anorexia wasted away to thin air. The comeback is from point 1 and will be made in baby steps. However I have the gym membership, I have some of my body not affected by injuries, and I have Stephanie who is rooting for me to start with where I am and go forward at whatever pace or place I am. I have already gone to the gym with Bella, and I have gone with myself and both times I over did it and tried to do too much and make up for two years of anorexia and sickness, and six months of injuries. I just can’t do it like that-humble pie is in order and I will gladly pick up my fork today in readiness for tomorrow and a new fitness regime that Stephanie and I can embark on together. I will live vicariously through my friends competing at the WBFF and I know that is not where I am heading or aspire to go. The WBFF is like the Victoria Secret of body building and combines a beauty contest within it. Some of the girls are inspiring and some of their stories are pure heart breakers and motivators that I feed off of so easily.
My ex wife always told me, prior to getting sick with anorexia, that given my genetics and body type, I only needed 6 weeks in the gym to transform my body into a lean mean lanky machine. It is different now with the anorexia as I have lost my natural core of a great body, and my naturally muscular body has been eaten up by the anorexia demons and I must start at a position I do not recognize; that of a scrawny light-weight with no real hard-core. Gone is the confidence and bad-ass behavior as well. I will not be meek or weak, I will walk into the gym tomorrow with Stephanie and slowly take my new place at position number 1 and start as slowly as I need to get through 15 to 20 minutes of cardio (preferably spinning) and move on super slowly to the weights where nothing is like it was before for me, and I will start some exercises with just the bar, or my own body weight, and forget the massive 100 rep sets I would do for a really good burn, and try to get to 20 reps and 2 -3 sets per exercise. Humbling doesn’t begin to describe the feeling I have when I realized how I had lost everything to anorexia. However I didn’t lose me, nor did I lose my fire or desire to be the best-that wasn’t robbed from me, and if it was I have already gotten the fire and desire back. Time, and constancy are what I need to build back a base that may one day run or do obstacle racing again. Tomorrow with Stephanie it is about starting wherever I truly am, measuring it correctly, and building a plan for success from that point and none other. I can’t undo the anorexia, the core body I had is gone, and I don’t know if my genes can help me in the future build back a body I am confident in, and feel strong again. Feeling strong is something I haven’t felt for a couple of years. I will not feel it tomorrow or any day soon. Hopefully, after feeding off the inspiration of my friends competing in the WBFF this weekend, and seeing their bodies and how they built what they have, I will turn inward and build my own version of me 2.0. I am so grateful to Stephanie for getting me to wrap my head around the gym again, and not looking at it like it is insurmountable-I got this, if I take it step by step, one day and one moment at a time.
Tonight I will watch to see my friends pictures and read about their results of some hard work and dedication I am not interested in replicating. It is almost like an addiction my friends’ workouts and training have become, and their entire lives and everything they are is built around the gym, working out, and living and breathing nothing but the world of fitness. I am happy for them, but it will never be me, as it never was me. I am too well-rounded, and can’t do just one thing, so I will eat my humble pie and go at it slowly and methodically but not driven to distraction like I am about other passions in my life.
Tonight Bella and I along with Stephanie will hang in and watch some shows on Amazon Prime. It is getting cold and Bella is tired and not looking forward to her upcoming swim meet, so we will focus ourselves on getting lost in a way that takes us away from the pool, and all the school work she has to do. She has practice tonight at 5pm and it will be a neck breaker. She will hurt and it will not be fun, as these days are trying for both of us right now for different reasons. Bella so doesn’t want to go to this upcoming swim meet but she has to do it. I have got to deal with my own realities and my appointment on Monday morning where the news is still eluding me, and I can’t think about much else other than that appointment and what might come out of it. Times are hard, and nobody said this would be easy, but I am coming back ever so slowly from the anorexia and every so slowly from the injuries. I didn’t see the growth in my finger coming and neither did my surgeon. He blew it off, and it just won’t go away. So, we dealt with it as head-on as we could. We attacked it surgically, and now somewhere there is a pathology report with some information about my growth on it. I will get this sorted out for starters on Monday. The pathology report will be read to me and from there, and only there I will make the next move. If there is any doubt or question about the integrity of the growth I will be heading straight to Boston to deal with this head-on. I made that much of a decision today with Stephanie, and it is part of the reason I am not taking my Adderall and remain on fire with Mania Madness. Without the Adderall it is not an easy day for me or anybody around me.
I am looking forward to making today count, but also making today go by so I can get through tomorrow and let Monday get here so I can finally get to my appointment and the answers that elude me. I will not have all the information on Monday either way, and if everything is okay and it has been taken care of, then my conversation with the surgeon takes a different direction and we jump right into fusing my right thumb before the holidays arrive. I need not a second opinion on this, as I feel like my OT therapist fully explained why fusing my upper thumb joint makes sense and will give me functionality I haven’t had with this thumb. I hope my surgeon is ready to go that way if we are free to concentrate about my thumb after we get through the closure of my tumor surgery.
I am so naked right now, and raw, in a way that only I can get and nobody quite understands. I have thrown myself into prepping for my Rainbow Nation meeting on Monday night. No matter what, I will make it to Monday night and I purposefully set up our first organizational meeting for Rainbow Nation for Monday night no matter what the early part of the day brings.
I am going to get Bella off to practice and spend some time taking with Stephanie about us, and our impending engagement and what that looks like with the holidays and the ensuing moving in together after the engagement. I think we both want to be engaged already and it would be so awesome if we were already living together. However, I took us on a detour, and here we are. I know I am excited about the engagement and moving in together as well as the holidays just weeks away. I don’t know what we should do time wise with getting engaged and moving in. I know Stephanie has some strong thoughts and I want to respect them and honor them as much as possible.
I am thinking about my baby Bella and her mind and body which is tired and not into tonight’s practice. She is strong, and she will make it through, and we will all be together tonight to watch some shows and relax our minds. Stephanie will make sure we are both equally distracted, and I will be closer to sleep, and the freeing of my stresses that comes with sleep.
I am naked in black socks, but I am not out in the wind or rain. I am here, at my home, in my comfort zone with my girl and my pug, and my daughter…..what more could I ask for you say? May I please have my fleece pajamas to put on and I will quickly change my black socks and put on my usual colors….just give me a minute to get dressed. Yes, I feel really naked but I am not embarrassed or ashamed. It is what it is-I am realizing this perspective more and more……
BORN THIS WAY-2016