Yesterday-Many Realizations

Yesterday I started my new physical therapy routine for my knee and thumb.

It is going to be hard and long, but the road to well and healthy is worth it!  I am committed to two days a  week at Wentworth Douglas Hospital.  I show up at 9:00 am and I leave it 11:00am. Yesterday was my first day and I was overwhelmed by the work and time commitment.

I made it through both sessions and had a brace made for my thumb. I think eight weeks of this regime and I will be in a good place to evaluate further surgery on my thumb, and I will have an answer on my bunion that is holding me up at this point.

I see my old friend prepping for body building contests, and I have mixed emotions. A couple of years ago she was smaller than me, and very far from the body she has now. She is a good 40-50 pounds heavier and completely dedicated to her sport. She doesn’t look anything like remember and I don’t know whether I like it or not/.

I still prefer thin, and lean and with the muscle bulk she has put on she will never be thin again. I don’t know where she is the competitive field, as I have seen other women and they are not as big and bulky and I know that is one of the issues with female body building. I saw a girl today who had what I thought was the perfect body.

She was lean and ripped and had a stomach to die for. My friend is not like that, and is bulky and somewhat mannish with no stomach definition to speak of……she has one line in her stomach yet the 6-8 pack eludes her. Before she got skinny she had a weight problem, and I think she is naturally predisposed to bulking out.

I look at my own fragile body and for just a second I wonder if I could turn my body around. I have no desire to be like my old friend, but lean and strong, with shredded muscles does seem appealing. The girl I thought had the best body is more my style. She is shredded and cut without a lot of bulk. My friend is so big and has only been doing this for two years, and I wonder if she is taking steroids-she is that big.

It has made me think about getting in shape and getting in top fitness form, but I hesitate because I don’t want the bulk. I doubt I would be able to put on bulk like my friend but the thought of it stops me in my tracks.

I will watch her compete in the show and because she has dedicated her life to this now I will wish her well and hope she does well. I know they have all these categories so maybe she will do well in one of the more muscle bound groups.

I do know that seeing my old friend made me aware of the lean machine of a body I used to have, and I am somewhat drawn to the gym and working out for my own physical fitness. I have been going to the gym regularly and starting easy and light so I don’t over do it and I ease into cranking up my body. I am really anxious to see how my friend does, as I never would have thought she could put on as much muscle as she has.

I am at a point of realization where I have a lot going on and I have many goals I want to achieve. From getting back into school and rehabbing my body, plus the surgeries I have coming, it is going to take a lot of time and effort. I can’t do everything I want, so picking my goals carefully is something I must consider before I head back to school in the Spring. School is definitely the main priority and with that said, other goals that are time intensive are going to have to be fettered out and prioritized accordingly

I am psyched for the campaign to be coming to a close, and I still don’t know whether I made the right decision about taking two semesters off of school. Obviously if she wins I will be so happy, but things look really tight and I don’t know if the American people are up for her as president..

I am going to take some time today and write in my journal about the next phase of my life. Time is ticking and I don’t know what the future holds for me. I know with hard work, which is a given, I will be able to attain the goals I set for myself.

Yesterday the realization of 8 weeks of physical therapy set me back and I need to wrap my mind around it differently. I am a broke down person, with all my injuries and I need to turn myself around and get focused and determined to kick the shit out of these 8 weeks to get one knee and my thumb back on track.

I will continue going to the gym, and upping my workouts, as I am able. I feel no envy towards my friend, as I don’t want her size or bulk. She is never going to get skinny again, and that still remains a priority for me.

We are all different, with different life circumstances and I wish her the best as her competition nears, and I concurrently make and find my way in this maze of questions and unknowns facing me at this time.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016