Today marks the beginning of me and my family’s road back to well. I could have just named it “Living in Hell.” Three weeks ago today as fate for would see, I took a bad fall in flip flops. A fractured hand and leg were the result, and surgery was planned just one week away. Since the days of been shrouded, with missing a trip, surgery, the loss of a beloved friend, and a serious illness crept up on us all.
Today, I start the road to well. I will go up my beloved Jack’s ashes. We continue to wait on prickers and thorns, wanting and praying for Julia Bleu’s tumor staging results. Tomorrow my family returns from their trip; from Prague, to Vienna, and lastly Budapest. They have yet to deal with Jack’s actually loss, tomorrow it will hit both squarely in the face. Then Wednesday next week I have my second surgery, a step closer to running I pray every day.
However that written above is the ‘physical’ road to well. What needs to be acknowledged is the mighty emotional road we must all transverse to get to well. It’s only in times of crisis, loss, failure, and despair, that we learn so much instantly about ourselves. I am hinting at a reality most of us fail miserably; self-health care for ourselves all of the time.
Of course in the quiet moments of relief, we do pamper ourselves to an inconsistent degree. We may read a book, take a nap, take the afternoon off and go walk on the beach. All that is well and good, yet so much more is needed to get to emotional well. For in times of crisis or hardship at least, we need to be prepared and equipped with self-care. I recently and still realizing it today, had I done my self-care and took care of emotional health, I would have been so better prepared. To face the daily stressors and chaos which just opened up fire peppering upon me
Not caring for myself on a regular and constant basis, set me up for near failure when I needed my mind and my body most. I thought as most do, I am fine yes I am, I am fit and well, and what possibly go wrong? Life goes wrong, or life just goes, you can not ever predict the next tumble out of the daily life we know. It happens so fast, in an instant of a flash, and the less you are prepared for the stumbles of life, the more they continue to greet you. With me, and this past week of crisis, I duly admitted my lack of health care. I admitted my failure with my insidious anorexia disease. As much as I wanted to ‘fix’ my lack of self-care, I realized almost flattened, it was too late to fix. I was destined to make it through the darkness and fog, I promised myself in the midst of the storm.
I graveled, I crawled, I pleaded for help. I instantly began to partake in any and all self help I could muster. I showered, I ate, I rested at times, and yet I gave my mere “miniscule all” to this bitter end.
I pray that as we embark on the road to well, sadness turns to celebration, and catching cancer was quick. I pray next week my surgery goes well. Perhaps in another week, my thoughts will have evolved to a higher ground. Even today, I am able to see, much clearer, less overwhelmed, with the aide of self-care. I know for me and my fragile body, I must do right by myself with complete and total self-care. I have lived so long from it, a void in my being. Each day right now I try to add something new. Time for quiet, and thinking, and eating and sleeping. My priorities in place and my actions aligned. Continued gratitude for all that I have, I realize how different with solid self-care these weeks might have been. Perhaps the grief, the loss, the fear of the unknown, would all have a place if I took better care of me. I already feel some difference, although I am far where I need to ascend for myself. Today was looking like a really sad day. Picking up Jack’s urns, seemed too great too bear, but now today I see it that we are getting our Jack back home. No it is not the same and it never will be, but today I bring home Jack to be home at last. A half smile fills my face, as I think of Jackson, what a gift we needn’t not cry anymore. As a quote once I found and have always held tightly, “Smile because it happened don’t cry because it’s over.” Jack was a gift, he surely wouldn’t want us to cry. So I will smile today, pick Jack up this morning, register for my road race coming in June.
Funny how time has a way of repositioning things; one week ago shear grief and utter loss. I leave you with this, as Julia Bleu is curled up sleeping. I look at her I feel it, we caught the cancer in time. What a gift we took for granted as Jack was dying. Forever a day, I will appreciate all that in the moment I am so blessed to share. For life has taught these moments will absolutely change; forever things will be different, it is part of this life. It’s simply called nothing more than living and loving.
BORN THIS WAY-2016