I have done quite a bit of writing on my former battle with anorexia, and touched on my recovery somewhat, but know it is time to talk about my closet. For starters, I spend a great deal of time in my closet, covered by the half-truths of my recovery, and my still romantic, nostalgic relationship with getting sick at the beginning.
It is now exactly two years since I got sick, with summer semester starting tomorrow. Yes I have gained weight, enough where people aren’t worried I am going to have a heart attack, but fully knowing inside I am not progressing the way that I should or could. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder before? They are quite common, and come in all makes and models. At Walden, the eating disorders hospital, I was strictly an anorexic: I just didn’t eat and restricted without any purging. There are lots of other variations, and I have been running into quite a few people who have the opposite of anorexia; they are over eaters or binge eaters. When it is not your disease it is fascinating, but I will leave that alone. If you are a person who suffers from body image, or any food issues, you need to know you are not alone.
I live in my closet because I cant face the brutal truth that I, Corey, am not 100% better, and everyday this goes on, the statistics say I am less likely to recover. I am dead set on not being a statistic but I am not 100% committed to my recovery. I do not lie or tell falsehoods, actually quite the opposite. I tell the doctors when I go in for an appointment that I want to skip the weigh in. I know it seems inane but everything is relative. Compared to how sick I was, I am much better, but along ways from well. So the medical staff see me, I look a lot better, and I tell them that the scale would be triggering for me. They say okay, and we move along. The last time, just last week, I didn’t want to get on the scale because there was like a 7 pound loss between my visits, which would have set off the red flags.
I tell my family and friends when they ask about my eating, whether I have or haven’t been doing a good job. I don’t lie, and obviously it is much better to tell them I have been eating well, but I will not fib to my family and friends. This is just a really triggering time, with my two year anniversary, and summer school starting tomorrow. I would be lying if I didn’t admit in my closet is a desire to live those magical months again, when I wasn’t quite so sick. The problem is now I don’t weigh enough to lose the weight, that would normally come off. I haven’t blogged about my second stay in Walden, but I promised myself and the people there, I was not a lifer, and I wouldn’t be back. I am steadfast on keeping my words.
So if you decided to join me in my closet, you would see things that weren’t quite right to be on recovery. I have pictures of very skinny models, both male and female that I love to look at. Some people can get away with skinny, I am not one of them I am all skin and bones, and my frailty to bothers me to no end. Having been a Division 1 full-scholarship athlete it is hard for me now that I don’t have much strength. You would also find a full-length mirror in my closet where I do my “body checks.” I check out each part of my body, I have it just about mesmerized. I look to see if I am gaining too much weight or need to think about hitting the gym. The gym membership is another piece in my closet, nobody knows that I got it, It would not go over well with my friends or my family. I used to use excessive exercising to augment my anorexia. I haven’t gone yet so I haven’t had to fib, I would probably say it was for my knee….a little mistruth, but I still live in a closet, and besides the things in there, like my anorexic food, there are many mixed emotions shelved all over the place. They don’t coincide with a healthy recovery, so I kept them quiet and only deal with them in my closet.
Sometimes I fear, my closet will be found out. For all I know my friends and family are already on it. It wouldn’t be the first time they didn’t say a word. I have deep guilt about my closet that I cant escape, too many demons are pulling on me. I realize this is the time to seek more help, with school starting, and my closet over-flowing, I need some intervention. I cant tell you how excited I am to start classes tomorrow morning. I will get up at the maniac’s hour, get my coffee drink and pop an Adderall. I already have the book for the class, so between blogging and studying for class, I will be in heaven I am sure. I know this is not healthy, and my mind is still twisted by this disease.
I guess on this Sunday, I need to dig deep, and at least tell my girlfriend, Stephanie what is going on. I cant hurt her not one little bit, or all my family and friends that have seen me through this insidious disease. I will go tell Stephanie, I have to show her my closet. She will be sad, but more so be glad that I shared with her. There is no way I can battle this myself, and tomorrow school starts its not much time to fix anything. Hopefully being honest is the most important part.
BORN THIS WAY-2016