She has had to deal with multiple feeling including mine which are mixed and messed up and her’s that are scared, unknowing and frightened.
I don’t hide any of my shit from Stephanie. I never have and I promised her I never would. It would be so dishonest given the nature of our friendship turned relationship.
She has seen me in full blown out magnified anorexic panic mode these last days until really yesterday morning but more so today as the scale is really moving down and I have calmed down quite a bit.
Of course Stephanie has mixed feelings as she wants me to put on that seven pounds and be okay with it and move closer towards healthy. She knows that is not possible and bites the bullet as she has watched me in super panic mode over 7 pounds. The lack of coping skills there that she witnessed on my part is scary stuff. I freaked my freaky. I was not okay and nothing short of what I did a complete alt-right was going to do the trick.
Stephanie is always amazed at my mind and its strength to carry out a difficult task or goal. No matter what it is my mind which is such a gift from the universe doesn’t fail me or let me down. My body has failed me and let me down, but never my mind.
We have tried or Stephanie has tried to bring normalcy into our life during the past days as I melted down over my weight gain. life has gone on, I have gone to appointments and made numerous phone calls I needed to make and she has gone to her practice and maybe checked in a little more but that is about it. Stephanie didn’t let me overtake the sanctity of the house or our daily lives with my anorexic madness.
I have been only eating yogurt and applesauce for dinner but that hasn’t been a problem and we aren’t going out to eat until Saturday night or I guess tomorrow night since today is Friday. I will be able to get by pretty unnoticed and with my recent weight gain and then loss that won’t register, eyes and occupation will be taken off of me thankfully. It really comes down to for starters at the top, not eating out. I am glad we are going out for Stephanie, as she likes to eat out and right now that is not where I am at.
So less than a pound to go to get to where I was before the spike. Once I am there I will continue to lose to give me some breathing room. I know I hear my insane self I see the words I type. Yep going to keep up that high restriction regime to make sure we don’t get close to that happening again.
I feel better and there is a lightness of being in my mind that traverses through my body to make me happy and yield to the panic mode. I must reset the panic button and learn from all my mistakes that led to this outright meltdown of my internal being.
Stephanie and I have talked about it and she gets that it was the sudden and drastic weight gain like the sudden and drastic weight loss I am experiencing now…..
I mean really what the fuck is wrong with me? I am seriously starting to doubt whether I am okay or not. Flipped out does not begin to cut what I experienced with this weight gain. I lost a major screw from a head that was already holding a couple too many. Thankfully Stephanie is Stephanie and takes everything to a point in stride although she hasn’t seen this sort of panic from me before. She went with it although and didn’t have a problem keeping pace with my follies and antics as well as determination to get rid of this weight. That was never a disagreement we had, Stephanie as long as I am a certain amount isn’t going to worry about 7 pounds that gets me closer to healthy.
I think it makes her sad, and it makes me sad too. I want to get to that healthy it is just out of my reach at this moment. Where I am today was out of my reach a year ago so I can’t beat myself up too badly or brush it all away. I have come really far, and maybe I needed to look at my journey and really see my body as it is today and see the scales for what I have grown healthfully into. It takes someone smart and intelligent like Stephanie to try and understand a disease most people give up on way before now. She dares to stand in the trenches with me and wrap her mind around my crazy when it comes to anorexia. Thankfully it is my only crazy and I don’t show signs of any newly developing crazy at this point.
This weekend will be good. Today is Friday and I will get some of my medical stuff out of the way and make up my calendar for physical therapy. Tonight we will probably order out from our favorite take out place and I just won’t get anything. It is okay with Stephanie! We have an agreement she will be reasonable and I will be reasonable back. It is fine with her I am not eating a steak bomb for dinner! Do you see why she is my best friend and my fiancé? Who gets this kind of understanding? Nobody? Nobody tries to understand anorexia and make sense out of the seemingly senseless which it really is not. Pam, my eating disorders therapist has been very educational and provided Stephanie with a lot of insight into behaviors and issues and it has really helped her be such a supportive partner.
Tomorrow is Bella’s volleyball jamboree at the middle school from 9 am until 3 pm. I want to be at it all day. My ex wife is not going for the whole day and I know Stephanie will want to be with me there and not home alone so we will make a day of it and then we along with my parents who are going at some point to the jamboree, will all go out to the dinner I mentioned earlier. I will slide under the radar fine with that.
Sunday Bella is going surfing I believe with a friend and then getting dropped off for a couple of days. She has school and practice on Monday and I don’t know if she has her first game on Tuesday or not. I will get that information today from my ex wife as I need to schedule physical therapy appointments and have another doctor’s appointment next week. I should hear back from the surgical coordinator about my first surgery today and hopefully I can get word so Stephanie can ask for the day off from her practice. Sunday Stephanie and I will probably talk about our move in date and what weekend we are going away. It is Columbus Day in case you didn’t already know that.
I am so very grateful to my body and to God for easing the vicious mind-fuck my brain was going through. So very grateful and will remain constant and vigilant today with my weights and my eating. Looking forward to a relaxed weekend. The weekend before it was Adderall withdrawal and on Monday, Labor Day it was rapid seven pound weight gain. Shooting for the fun volleyball jamboree tomorrow and some quality time with Stephanie on Sunday. Going to make a lot of progress on my to-do list and get lots accomplished today.
Here’s to sliding into the weekend……..
BORN THIS WAY-2016