I am so not okay. I don’t know what it is from other than the fact that I am very injured with both my legs and not moving around. I am so not okay. Yes I wanted to gain weight-slowly at my speed.
Once before in my life I went through a spell where I just kept gaining weight and nobody knew or cared what it was from. I truly wasn’t eating anything and the scale went up by pounds daily. I am deathly afraid of that happening.
I need to have the control over the weight gain, or else I am really not going to be okay! I know it is screwed up but that is the mind set I live with right now being an anorexic. I know my thoughts aren’t healthy and I need help. However, first I need to get my weight under control. Of course it makes sense I have two broken knee caps and went from walking five miles a day and running and jumping everywhere to practically still.
I lost my sense about my body and what it needs to be thin-thin the way I want. My thin isn’t in the hospital thin it is right before that when I feel at my best. Double zeroes fall off- I couldn’t get my leg into a double zero right now and that hasn’t been my goal but I am afraid this sudden weight gain is going to send me right back where I don’t want to be: too thin for even me but better too thin than the two-ton tessey I feel like now. I feel fat, I look bloated, I am so uncomfortable in my skin. Although I didn’t get here over night the seven pounds came on in three days. I need to get control of my body starting today.
I write about this so my loved ones can understand the jam I am in mentally. I got out all my free weights and bands and I am furiously doing sit-ups and push-ups. I wish this wasn’t my sickness but it is and my injuries are not working with me. I have been doing a lot of sitting because I can’t do anything else.
Why didn’t I compensate for this activity loss? Where was my anorexic mind? I will tell you where it was it was starting to get healthy and turn the corner. Now all that is gone. Sheer panic has set in I will out myself to my family. They need to know I need help getting this excess weight off and more help not having this trigger me into a downward spiral I can’t recover from. I can’t lose myself but this weight is so not okay. I already know at lunch time which I am not eating that the only thing I will eat the rest of today is an 80 calorie yogurt. I had even bought farmer’s milk today which I have been drinking to help heal my bones. I will not drink a sip of it. Push is coming to shove and without mobility I have to be on the strictest of alerts.
I am sad this is such a set-back in more than one way. I put on the weight, plus it has set off my anorexic mind which has been in hibernation for the past few months. I am sad for myself and my family and loved ones as this is not good for my Bella or anyone else that already worries about me too much.
I took a break from all the madness and went to sleep this afternoon. I am never able to sleep outside of bedtime but I think this all just over-loaded my brain. I slept from like 2:30 pm to 9:30 pm. I am still wanting to sleep but this was nagging me. I got on the scale and no it hasn’t been over night but I have only lost tenths of a pound. I will get on the scale in the morning before I call the doctor for an appointment to have my thyroid checked and other blood work. I know it seems over the top and if I seem like psycho or derailed you just don’t get anorexia and I make no excuses or apologies. This is a real disease. There is no medication for it, not that I would take it-but it is real to me. What I feel are real, true feelings. Going easy on me and having some sympathy will go much further than tough, callous reactions.
I am a prisoner to my thoughts and feelings, and it is so painful not to be right with my body. I am trying as I may to get rid of the weight by merely restricting my intake of food. I have always coupled it with excessive exercise. I don’t know how successful I can be without the exercise and know my restriction has to be very hard core. I have always been able to eat some because of the crazy exercise. Knowing I am facing months of rehab from my surgeries is a mind fucking blow. I can’t figure out how to do it without the exercise. I will figure it out if I have to strip everything practically from my diet. My fluid intake has to be minimal and I am a big drinker of fluid. I burst through my thirst mechanism so I am always thirsty and always have a beverage on hand. I don’t go anywhere without beverages packed in my bag. I always am sipping something at home.
I pray in the morning the scale has fallen at least under the last number on the scale. If it hasn’t I will map out a serious boot-camp plan for tomorrow. Greek yogurt at 80 calories and unsweetened applesauce at 60 calories may be by only friends. I will do what I have to do. For those of you that have been reading my anorexia story please bear with me. I know I haven’t posted an entry in a week and I realize I am long overdo. I will get to it tomorrow. Maybe if I write about being in the throes of my disease I will be triggered and inspired to pick up the fight.
It truly sucks to live this way. Everyone I know has at least five pounds in my mind they could lose. No I don’t judge anyone else’s body just my own. In fact I like people who are relaxed about their weight and enjoy eating. It makes me feel good that food and not caring to the last degree about your weight is your life and you are not obsessed like me. It is a relief to me to experience that and I marvel at people’s relaxed attitudes about food and their weight.
I know I will get there, I just need control right now and then maybe the weight won’t seem so bad. It is the not feeling in control that has my head all twisted. I WILL get through this and I WILL get to healthy. I know sure you say, but if I can starve myself to 70 pounds, I surely can tackle this too. It is a redirection of my energy and resources. Watch me, once I dare to go buff and muscular I will be the force I wish and strive to be.
BORN THIS WAY-2016