Well given my drastic super-fast weight gain I need a PLAN to get me back down to a reasonable weight and implement a long-term plan for my injuries that require surgery, rehab and come with lack of mobility.
My first surgery is scheduled for next week and will be just one month of recovery. My second surgery is major and requires as the surgeon said, “highly invasive surgery with saws, drills, and parts (actually realigning the top of my leg (femur) with the bottom of my leg. The recovery is nine months and really is a lot. You know when the surgery, who cuts people open everyday says surgery is bad, it must be really bad. He told me the name of the procedure but I can’t recall it or I would be looking it up on line. Probably not the wisest thing to do. On top of that I have a thumb hanging by a thread that I see the surgeon for on Wednesday. The first doctor who say it said it needed to be reconstructed. I have no idea how this all works in together or if I will just delay my thumb until my legs are fully healed.
I need a plan food-wise and exercise-wise. I need to at least get really buff in my arms, mid-section and glutes. I have all the at home equipment here and I started working out like a mad-person today. I will be back at it tomorrow with a detailed workout plan. There is no way I am getting soft and fat!
I am nervous about seeing Bella for dinner and an overnight tomorrow. She has smacked volleyball try-outs and after playing one year, and seeing her to two Nike volleyball camps on the sly this summer, she is looking like she will be starting varsity for the middle school. She is an elite swimmer and very strong runner but this volleyball has come out of nowhere. She texted me and told me she killed it today. Tomorrow tryouts are over and we believe we will have a celebration of sorts. She really wanted this but her overhand serve was not consistent and today she said she smashed it in the serving part. We sent her on the sly because it would cause a fuss on the team with jealous teammates and we sent her to “hitters” camps to learn how to spike. At 5 feet 9 inches tall and still growing for another two years she should get close to six feet. It is what she always wanted for swimming.
The idea of having to eat out again is not sitting well with me. I feel sick this weight thing interfered with mu sleep and I took Adderall too early and my stomach is a wreck and I feel like I have been tossed under a bus. My stomach feels like it has a big gnawing hole in it from the Adderall and coffee. I am going to have to go lay down but every time I try to I am aroused by thought of bloated me and the numbers on the scale are haunting me. I got on it earlier and it hadn’t been that long and I hadn’t gotten enough sleep for my body to kick in with whatever metabolism I have left. The scale had given me the biggest gift; down 1.8 pounds. I needed this very badly! I might try to stay off the scale for a few days once I know it’s going in the right direction.
I am so beside myself nothing distracts me, nothing calms or soothes me I am making myself into a fat prisoner of my own body and doing.
I have to figure out an exercise alternative. I can think of weights and bands but nothing aerobic. It is not going to be pretty. I am heading back to bed in hopes that I have exhausted my brain and psyche with bad and fraught thoughts that will let me sleep. I am grateful for the sleep I got this past afternoon. But this overnight has been torture.
Didn’t sleep but might try to lay down again I am so tired. I am breathing a sigh of relief from the scale. How insane that numbers on a scale can turn my world upside down and inside out. It is crazy and this disease is making me crazy.
I think if I can get some sleep and rest I will be a lot better off. I am so tired I m really wearing myself out with worry and anxiety.
I think I can restrict enough and eat carefully enough that I can lose the weight from pure restriction and weights.
I have got to get a grip. Once this 7 pounds is off of me I will feel more in control.
For any of you anorexia suffers I am pure obsession and control mode. I thought I might have to go out to dinner tonight but that has been postponed. Thank the good Lord!
Today I have my thumb appointment for a possible reconstruction and I have no idea what to do. Not having slept I feel awful and so out of sorts and the starting up of restriction has left a big burning hole in my stomach. Yes, I have decided I will be living off of Greek yogurt (80 calories) and unsweetened applesauce (60 calories).
This is a mountain I built and now I am responsible for coming down it. It won’t be fast but it will be steady I know this about my body.
I also know I need to get in touch today with my eating disorders therapist, Pam.
She is vital to not sliding down the slippery slope. I just want to feel back in control and have my weight be comfortable and not feel fat and bloated like I am right now.
Right now it is panic mode and I must rewire my mind as it is making my blood pressure go up and my head hurt.
I am hopefully tomorrow will bring another day of the scale moving down. It has to I can’t live like this nor can I hide it.
BORN THIS WAY-2016