Yesterday my parents took me to the hand surgeon where I was told I needed surgery and put in a cast for six weeks.
The news was disappointing and my mother’s comments were surprising to say the least. On the car ride home she told me I looked good and different. More vibrant. I knew right away it was from the weight I gained so I told her, “Mom, I have gained weight.”
Being my mom and always in state of worry with me I could have told her she won the lottery and she wouldn’t have been happier. Of course it started the lecture, “I don’t know why you want to look emaciated when you could be so healthy and strong and look so good.” I just listened and said I wanted to put wait on by my terms and she replied, ” We have been waiting for that to happen for a long time.”
I let it slide and basked in my mom’s compliment even though I have put on weight. I knew she was happy and proud of me and I didn’t want to ruin it for either one of us. I wondered what did she think of me before? Obviously something not so grand!
I got through the day not eating anything but a single yogurt but last night Stephanie made pasta with vodka sauce-my favorite and I ate it with her. I have decided to let everyone enjoy a moment of peace and happiness with me.
I know I can drop the weight and I will start today restricting big time. I am sure the scale went up with me eating pasta and I didn’t want to freak myself out. I will give myself until Saturday before I step back on the scale. As long as it has come down to where it was yesterday morning I will feel alright.
I am definitely still obsessed with losing the weight asap but I really needed to make Stephanie happy too. She has gone through so much with me and I love her very much and want her to be happy and not worried. No there is no way this would get in the way of me losing the weight overall.
I need to get comfortable in my skin and right now I feel like I am having an out of body experience. With my now three surgeries coming up I will have to get creative and be mindful of what I am eating. To top out my weight of two years is devastating to say the least.
I am hoping my first surgery takes place next week and I can get going with the healing process. I know I didn’t blog yesterday about my anorexia story. I will get on it next and get one or two blogs out on it.
I am starting today with a good attitude that I can only start where I am and that is exactly what I am doing. I will go to my stand-by Greek yogurt and applesauce.
I just texted my daughter and told her amongst other things that “Grammy” gave me a compliment and she was over the moon happy. I can’t wait to get her tonight and I will need to eat before she gets here.
I don’t want to cause anyone any worry or pain so I am going to go at this weight thing stealth like. Even with Stephanie I can get by with no breakfast or lunch or if I need to eat lunch I will make a lean 25 shake from GNC. They are only 170 calories and have rapid metabolizers built into them.
I am feeling good about the bigger picture. I guess my weight loss does take away from my looks so I will concentrate on that when the time comes to rally weigh this much.
I have the next eight weeks to lose a significant amount of weight. I am hoping for 15 pounds at least. My restriction habits are pretty legendary as I starved myself at Walden the eating disorders hospital in Waltham, MA. I wanted out of there and knew I had to pull a stunt of that magnitude to get my butt home. Starving yourself at an eating disorders hospital is not easy. They pleaded with me but there was no way I was staying there.
Today is a new day with high hopes and expectations and a belief that I once again can control my body. Losing that 1.8 pounds in a day was a godsend honestly. Without that I would have a very twisted head……..I know it is already way twisted-just in a different way.
BORN THIS WAY-2016