I called Pam, my ED therapist and she thinks a new fresh intake is exactly what we ought to do for evaluation purposes. We are doing that by phone tomorrow. I am glad she felt that way I really can’t make sense out of the health of my mind at this time or anytime since I have been sick with anorexia.
I am trying to write and journal all I can. Being in Philly at the DNC with Stephanie is killing me. I get back home on Saturday. I need to get my formula shakes down as not finishing them is something all new. I am stressed with campaign work and working crazy long hours that are okay for a normal, healthy person, but put someone like myself in a precarious health crisis.
I hope my intake with Pam sheds deeper and clearer resolution into the state of my mind in regards to an ED. I know my thoughts are not healthy or normal. However, are they strong enough to be inflicting undue influence onto my body? My gut answer is no, that is not the case. I have discomfort and that is what I believe it is-it is not feelings that have me actively seeking out weight loss. In fact I don’t want to lose weight. I just don’t want to gain it either.
Since I don’t feel I am doing anything intentional to lose weight I don’t think treating my weight loss like an anorexic issue is the right mind-set. I am not sure who can help me, or if being hypermetabolic is not going to be any different than anorexia expect for the fact that my mind is not involved.
I have not come to see it that way and I am not suggesting I don’t have an eating disorder right now with whatever else is going on. I am suggesting that my mind which was once really on the road to well is slipping a bit in that department. Coupled with that rightfully or unrightfully, is the weight lose I am enduring at this time. Is it because of the heat, because I am hypermetabolic, or because I am in relapse with my anorexia? As I continue to lose more weight, these answers become all the more important. I don’t have 10 pounds to lose to figure this out. I know I need to maintain where I am as a starting point to staying alive and flourishing to any degree.
I am trying to remain hopeful but it is hard given what lays at my feet and all I have put my loved ones through. Stephanie who knows me best and can step back and take a real look at things does think I am not eating well and has noticed my anorexic mind-set creeping up more and more. However if you asked her was this like what Corey was before when she was very sick? She would say absolutely not. I am not the 79 pound person who doesn’t want to eat today.
Sure there are various degrees of severity of every type of illness. Maybe Radical Will really helped my anorexic mind but the hypermetabolic syndrome which developed out of the anorexia has always been an impediment to my ultimate wellness. I desperately need a medical professional to connect the dots and get me in the right directions for help for both my body and my mind.
Right now as I sit in my hotel room, I am scared and I am frustrated with myself. I don’t like time as a general concept, but the truth is I have not been well for over two years. My mind has gotten so much better, but now after so long of not getting back to an ultimate well, I am cracking and thoughts of not eating occur more frequently and with the avoidance of eating as well as I could or should.
This morning I will meet via phone with Pam my ED therapist for an hour and a half intake session. I have given her permission to speak to the Radical Will team as she sees fit. I have asked my primary care doctor to get in touch with the team once a meeting with the endocrinologist is set up. Monday my primary care doctor has left blood work to workup my thyroid once again and make sure we are not overlooking anything.
Today I am mindful that tonight with HRC speaking and tomorrow’s rally I need to drink all my formula shakes probably an extra one if possible. Stephanie leaves tomorrow and I come home on Saturday. I am hopeful not hopeless that I can doggedly will myself back to a well that gives me a life that currently eludes me. I am Corey, and I am an anorexic. I am Corey, and I am fighting to stave off relapse at all costs to not harm myself in anyway or harm the people I love in anyway either.
BORN THIS WAY-2016