There are moments in our lives where we need a life line. I am currently really struggling with my anorexia recovery. This blog that I started for lots of reasons holds a special place for me to share my anorexia journey from the start to the present day. I use this blog to write about all sorts of everyday life thoughts and ideas, but I know the blog is always here for my anorexic outlet when I want to share it, or when I am in crisis like I am right now.
I have been blessed with the time and chance to start telling my entire story. I wrote earlier how I was struggling today with my recovery. I also have mania which means I don’t need to sleep very often on any given night. This morning I awoke at 12:30 am to start my day and go all day long. It is amazing the things I can get done. My mania for me is a life line for my anorexia. It takes my time and energy. It distracts me from twisted thoughts, or even actually planning how I am going to lose the weight I have worked so hard to put on. When I am in my right mind like in this moment, I hear and see the insanity of my anorexia; I am on the verge of throwing months and months of hard work away. Nevermind the jolt of a relapse for myself or more importantly for my fragile body. What about my loved ones who are just starting to believe that I might be actually turning the corner to real, solid recovery? I sat here this morning and thought of taking diet pills I bought which would do more than the trick I am looking for. What the hell am I doing with these diet pills to begin with? I am so thankful for this blog to I capture my thoughts, whether they are twisted or right now healthier.
I need to reach out to my family, get someone to come over and help out. I have made this mistake too many times, thinking I had control of my anorexia. Not so, not the case at all, I am a complete submissive to this disease. I recognize this thought as growing progress, and part of a step in my recovery. It is so damn tenuous all the time, as my anorexia has not cleared my mind, and have things moments like I wrote this morning, where I AM making progress as hard as it hurts. All in a flash it can be thrown out the window. What gets thrown out is no small piece of paper it is my life, my health, and my future, my relationship with my daughter and also all the people who love and support me through this uphill battle.
I am trying to use this blog and everyone who reads it to hold me accountable. For here I come write about the truth as it is. Knowing there is a blog and many followers helps keep myself somewhat in a line. Although earlier today I was quite close to tossing it all away. That shit depresses me and makes me realize how deep this sickness runs. I am not stable yet, I think I need more intervention than I am getting. It is the only way to keep from a relapse, that will surely kill my soul along with the hearts of the people I love.
I am thankful for my mania, it helps me in these moments to stay on track. Like with this very blog I started in the last day of April, I committed to myself to write two blogs a day. An hour ago I was so upside down the thought of a another post wasn’t even a consideration. With the mania, I can pull it together sometimes, and like now fulfill two important goals: staying on the right side of my anorexia and keeping my blogging commitment which is very important to me. I know my blogging leaves lots of room for improvement but I have seen a lot of growth in the short time I have been writing everyday. I feel like I am starting to establish a mixture of posts from anorexia to everyday and far away thoughts I want to share.
I hope you know as my followers today, and the people who read my writing you are making a huge impact in my life that I am not so sure I know how to thank you. I appreciate all of those who read this, and are patient as I learn my way. Today is a tough one I know it will challenge me right to the end in into early tomorrow morning. I will need to reread this post for some encouragement and straight minded thinking. This disease is so complex it gets you from every direction. It is like you are a boat with many holes, and you’re trying to plug up every single one. It’s not possible. I am going to post my next part in my story later today or early this evening. I will be starting tomorrow with an everyday topic. Have any suggestions throw them my way. I promised to stay away from politics, probably one of my best decisions yet when it comes to my blogging!
BORN THIS WAY-2016