Walden Stay 1 part 7

I awoke in the morning, covered in sweat, and feeling very light-headed. The starvation better be working, I would get weighed this morning, and I hadn’t put anything into my mouth.  I know it sounds inane to starve yourself when you already have a major problem. What is hard to understand, is that was my only form of control at that time, and I wasn’t the least bit ready for a trip to Walden.  I was given no preparation.  I hadn’t been in an eating hospital before, and this was just way out of my league.

Soon enough I heard the guy come, with his blood pressure cart.  I sat up and didn’t say a word, he was quiet and I appreciated that. My mind was consumed with what the scale would say, I was good to drop 3 pounds in a day.  Two days of that puts me 6 pounds less, and I know I am riding out on the pony express back to my house where I eat and weigh myself just as I want to…..I hurried up and put on a johnnie, and I tried to pee as much as I could.  Most people cheat and they water load before weigh so they weigh more. I had to take a much more drastic strategy so this was it for me.

I meandered down the hallway there were only a couple of patients around. “Corey you’re up next.” I hopped on the scale and turned my back too it.  I could by the look on the nurse’s face, it wasn’t good for them, but was good for me. I could just tell from my body it was wasting away, my hips and my ribs were all jutting out. I was so twisted I felt happy and thoughts of going home to my life danced in my head.  I would most definitely be home for Thanksgiving.

I had an extra hop in my step as I got ready for the day, I knew the scale was going to be way, way down. Something that couldn’t just ignore. I laid low all morning until breakfast was called. I said hi to a few of the patients. We went into the dining room, I took my seat and stared at my plate. A half bagel with peanut butter, looked so good I almost ate it.  Soon, this hunger would pass all together, but it was still hanging on. I drank a sip of my coffee, if that is what they called it. Never tasted anything so bad in my life. I pushed the cup away and sat real still.  The table was not talkative which was not good. All it did was give me more time in my head to think of my two impending bolus protocols.  “Corey, how you doing with your breakfast?”  “Oh I am really full, this feeding tube is magic it takes all my hunger away.” “Corey that is inappropriate language in the dining hall. Are you finished, because if so Jane wants to see you in her office right away.” “OK I am going to see Jane, my friend.”

I walked down the hall and was half happy with my weight, but miserable when I  thought of those bolus protocols.  “Good morning Corey, how are you today.?” “I am fine any word on my three day?” “Oh no that is still deep in review, we need to discuss something a lot more serious. We don’t talk weight here at Walden at all with the patients, but Corey you have lost 7 pounds. Yes , I thought to myself this is going to work. “Really, wow that is a lot for being in an eating disorders hospital.  Seems to me like this is failing miserably, and when my primary care finds out, she will want me home where at least I wont starve.”

“Are you ready for your bolus?” “Yep, bring them on I don’t even mind them.” I lied and I willed it not to kill my like crazy as it always does. The nurse was nice and gentle with me, and it was over and not half bad. “Corey I get and see the game you are playing, except for one small piece you must hear: you are going to die, this isn’t a joke. You are so sick you don’t see or feel it anymore.” “I want to go home and if I have to come back I will. But I was not prepared for this setting and I must be home for Thanksgiving.”

“So you are just going to starve yourself to death right now to get yourself home?” “Yes, I am and it will work. I am not disagreeable to coming back.” “OK Corey I hope you live to come back, I will shred the three day and I have already talked to your family and doctor. They want you home just as soon as possible.”

“Do I get to go home today?” “Yes, Corey your family is on their way.” “Jane I will come back I will succeed at this program, I just need to go home and regroup.” “What are you doing with DHHS?” I said, “Did you fix the problem yet?” “Yes it is fixed and thank you for pointing it out.” “Then I am doing nothing at all.” I got up and went to leave, and I looked Jane right in the eyes: I will be back, I promise you ,and I am going to beat this fucking disease.”

“Good luck Corey hope to see you soon.” “Thank you Jane.”

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

Walden Stay 1 part 6

Bill called me back into his office after lunch had settled down and I think he spoke to Jane.  I went in with my forms all filled out, and told him I had something very serious to discuss with him. He looked not as surprised as I would have thought, surely Jane and Carroll tipped him off about the medications issue and that I had said I was calling DHHS.  I had no intention of really calling DHHS, I wanted to get the hell out of there, and I would use any leverage I had. It was completely against the rules, to know other patient’s medications, and maybe even diagnoses.  I mentioned to Bill there was a major violation in the medication room.  I explained how on the pixis machine, which held all the drugs and patients information, that I was able to see on the screen every one’s medication for psychiatric illnesses.  “Corey, this is a serious observation you have brought to our attention, and I guarantee you now they are fixing it as we speak” “I understand that Bill, but the damage has been done.  There is no erasing the medications and the patients I saw, it is a grave breach of their privacy.

“Corey it appears we have two things going, is there a matter you would like to handle first?” “Yes, I would like to submit my three day forms and be given to contact my primary physician.  If it alright by you, I will sign these forms now and get this process starting.”  Bill handed me a pen, and I carefully read every word that was mine to make sure there no errors.  I then handed Bill the forms and quickly asked for a copy of them.  Bill seemed perplexed, like why would I want a copy?  I knew this wasn’t going to get easier, I was starving and getting bolus protocols in the hopes of getting released.

I then asked Bill what the procedure, who would all be reviewing my paperwork.  Also I asked what time on Friday I could expect to here a word. “Corey, three day passes are not taken lightly and it will be reviewed by many different people. My guess is you will know, Friday morning before noon.  However don’t hold me to that.” “Thank you Bill now may I please try to call my primary care?  It is very important, that I speak to her right away,”

Bill handed me the phone and I nervously called my primary care doctor. “Hi this is Corey. May I please talk to Dr.Carter I am in-patient and it is an emergency.” “Hold on and let me find her Corey.”  “OK,” I said as the knot in my stomach grew tighter.

“This is Dr. Carter.” “Hello Dr. Carter it is Corey and I am having a very rough time, I have lost more weight since I was admitted and just put in for a three day release.  I am sorry this place is just not a good fit for me. I have been in trouble since I got here, and they told me you night not take me back as your patient.”  ” Corey, who is in charge down there? Of course I would take you back, your patient after all.” “I thought so but they tried to convince me, that you would not see me being this sick.” “Take care of yourself and I will contact Jane, and see if we can make things better.”  “Thank you,” I whispered as I hung up the phone, so relieved that I had  Dr. Carter’s support.

My eyes welled up in front of Bill, it so isn’t what I wanted to happen.  He offered me a tissue, and asked me next if I wanted to talk about the pixis machine.  I said, “Bill this has been a long hard day, and no I don’t feel like talking about the pixis machine.  I have the number for DHHS and will use it if need be.”  “We would like to talk to you about that incident before any phone calls get made.” “I will see what I want to do, nobody is cutting me any slack here, but you are a bumbling ass to plan me as a fool, and do what you want to cover your ass.  I don’t think that is the way things are going to play out in the facts of my treatment. Thank you for handling my forms, and please be sure to get me a copy before the end of  the day.”

I headed out of Bill’s office, and there were some patients, standing around looking bored.  I wanted to go back into my room, but I really didn’t want to be alone.  So I headed into the community room, looked at the clock, there was two hours before dinner. So patients were making friendship bracelets, so I sat down to join them.  “Corey, how are doing?  We never see you at any of the groups.” “Well I landed here quite hard, and I have been trying to get out on a three day pass.”  I enjoyed the afternoon, I made a bracelet for me daughter, I really missed her it was so hard to be a way from her,  A staff member came into the room, and told us it was time to get ready for dinner.  I asked to use the restroom. The counselor was new, I had never seen her before.  She said, “Sure Corey, lets take care of that now.”  “OK,” I said, and I followed her down the hallway towards the restroom. “What’s your name,” I asked.  She told me her name was Susan.  I told her it was nice to meet her.  I went into the restroom, and started talking to her while I was peeing. I didn’t flush, I was so excited.  She came in and checked and said it was fine to flush.

People were lining up for dinner, my veins went cold with the thought of the bolus protocols. “Corey please roll your sleeves up.”  I did as I was told and tried to have a good attitude. I didn’t want to ruin the meals of all the other patients.  They let us in and I found my seat. I was sitting with a couple people I have gotten to know.  I was excited to maybe have a conversation.  I had some food in front of me, chick peas, and cottage cheese.  Oh how I wanted to eat it. I wanted so badly, to devour it. But restraint, I couldn’t eat anything. I knew the hunger would pass, but it was not going to pass really soon, as I was starving, my body needed food.  However, I wanted to get out of the unit.  Dinner started, and we had a nice conversation. I didn’t get yelled at for one thing, and still didn’t touch anything on my plate.  Time was up, the staff members went around looking at people’s plates.  They got to me, and didn’t say anything. I just sat still and silent.

Next the staff announced the people needing bolus protocol (just me) should go to their rooms and the staff would be in. I got up and tossed all my food away, I was still starved, it hadn’t gone away.   This was the hardest part, my body fighting for food.  I knew in another day my body would completely adjust, and I wouldn’t be hungry anymore.  I headed to my room.  I was nervous about the bolus, but they gave me no time to worry.  Two nurses came in, and said hello, “Corey can you slide over to the left? Thank you sweetie, I know this isn’t pleasant.  I will try to go slowly.”  “Thank you,” I said. “The other counselors have been pushing the syringe really hard.  Before I knew it, it was over and it didn’t hurt as much. I thanked the nurses for their kindness. Laid my head down on my pillow to cry.  What was I doing here?  How did I end up here?  Would I get out as I planned? I worried as I drifted off to sleep if I would live if they made me stay here.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016