Being divorced and getting ready to get engaged again to my best friend, Stephanie, I have learned it truly is the little things that make all the difference.
In my first marriage I was always popping up with the Bling and the great getaways, but I wasn’t there for the little things. I loved my ex-wife very much but I knew nothing of being a partner day to day.
Day to day is the “glue” of any meaningful relationship. It isn’t the just the holidays or birthdays, it is the every day.
In the every day we find if we are lucky to meet the right person the sacred in the ordinary.
It took two full years of therapy after my divorce to come to grips that love isn’t or wasn’t enough to sustain a marriage. What? Really? I loved her fiercely and with every fiber of my being, but it wasn’t enough.
For a long time I felt I wasn’t enough and that is a terrible road to travel down. Wow the comeback from that time and place-was it hard and painful!
I am just in general a better person today. Of course the passage of time makes that happen I think quite naturally but I also learned how to not love in a worship way, but to love in a soulful, caring, tender way that lends itself to partnership.
I adore Stephanie, and yes I do have her on a pedestal, but I know and love beyond that to a deeper more meaningful and engaged way. It allows me to do for her without resentment, to do things I don’t necessarily want to do without resentment.
My first marriage I thought and lived like the world was still all about me. I did what I wanted to do, I never discussed decisions with my wife, I was just Corey doing whatever Corey wanted to do. Wow to learn you must learn and live with compromise and for the happiness of another that might not be your way to happiness-a tremendous learning curve. I mean honestly I was blown away.
A therapist told me in every relationship there is a flower and gardener. You as a couple switch roles from time to tine as it fits. I was always the flower. It is still a little bit like that with Stephanie. I am a person people are drawn to to take care of, and I am a person who likes to be taken care of. I have just in the last years learned the joy from doing and being for another. It has always eluded me.
I can’t get divorced again, as I won’t survive it. My first one almost really did me in. It took a long time for me to look at Stephanie as a potential wife even though we were already the best of friends and yes she is achingly beautiful. I was too scared at the thought of losing her if we crossed the line. I couldn’t think about my life without Stephanie in it, and letting things go romantic was too risky of a chance.
Well I needn’t tell anyone you can’t deny what is meant to be. Our relationship as moved slowly building solid, concrete bricks underneath us for the best solid footing we can possibly share. We still have yet to disagree or have words as best friends for two years, and well more than that since June.
It will happen, but along with the learning about the little things, I also learned about humility and I will not let my ego get in the way of what Stephanie and I share together. She is a saint so I do not worry about her and our first disagreement. Actually I do, because I think she is so kind and giving she might not speak her truth or get what she needs or deserves. I will be watching very closely when we finally disagree. I will make sure that I don’t just get my way, or whatever the case may be.
I am learning to really love wholly for the first time and I will be forty in almost less than a month. It is crazy to have gone so long and far in my life single-minded with everything being and revolving around me. I am amazed what doing for another person brings to me and my heart.
I will still do the big things, that is just Corey’s way and style. However, you better believe I will be there everyday as we make our way in a life together finding the sacred in the everyday ordinary.
BORN THIS WAY-2016