I am back. My brain is back on fire.
I am back to a certain degree after being sidelined by pain pills that were too strong and made me sleepy, and very foggy.
I felt once again dead and vacant with the darkness veiled upon my soul and my energy centers that make me so productive were zapped of their abundance of life and I was left a blob, in a heap of nothingness. I felt sick and in serious need of recalibration and recharging.
I have pondered the pain pills and what they mean ingesting them every day, and the numbness and brain death I experience when I take them. I have opted to half the dosage as that decreases all the adverse effects of the opioids. I am still in pain and will check my blood pressure at the store this morning. I haven’t told my doctor I halved the dose and with the residual pain I am afraid my blood pressure is still going to be too high. We talked about this scenario at double the strength and having to augment with a blood pressure medication. I will later contact him with the numbers through the patient portal and see what he advises.
I found out yesterday I am not a warrior angel but a royal angel like Bella. I bring this up because I will be blogging about it in length later today.
It is Columbus Day weekend and I was supposed to get engaged this weekend. It has been put on hold and I am not in a place I want to talk about it yet. I care and love Stephanie very much but the timing is not right and I have been caught off guard. I haven’t seen her except for my two birthday celebrations. I will see her Saturday at my big party. I do not want to hurt her and I hope we can come to some agreement after all we have been put through. I want nothing less than shear happiness for her, which is why we are not getting engaged this weekend.
I am sad when I let myself think about it, but other things are going on in my life that are positive and exciting. I really out of respect for Stephanie don’t want to say anything more.
I am filled with chaos and HECTIC electricity and feel much more like myself and Corey. When Corey goes missing I am not okay and mourn greatly. But the fire and the madness of my mania are back and for me that is a very good and necessary component of my overall wellness and authentic being.
I am not my authentic self when the fire is not burning in my brain. I am at times overcome with the darkness of vacancy that even takes away the sunlight in the middle of the day. Depression is something I do not know, but on a full dosage of the pain medication I was depressed bodily. I moved with hesitation and tremor and thought so slowly I got worried I was on the verge of experiencing depression. I have been staying up really late and writing in my leather bound journal. I am filling it with new thoughts and questions and accompanied with that are a few answers that I have found resolution in to issues in my life. I will soon begin blogging about the contents of my maniac’s hours writing off-line. I am happy to shut off the computer and phone and purely write. It is my gift to myself and to my growth in this new decade of mine.
I am so overjoyed with my mania madness returning to me; to my body as I am so not okay with being normal or down which it what it feels like! I have returned to my version of myself with #AMPED up fire in my brain and my body, that showed its face about three weeks ago when I panicked and thought I was on the verge of my new burning fire that made me at first #HECTIC and scared at the same time. I worried I needed to go to John Hopkins to see the neurologist to quell the fire that affected even my speech to the point of needing a speech pathologist because I had pressured speech and my speech was jumbled. I sorted out the speech and now my fire in my brain at forty has increased and I am blissed out completely.
I am starting this day with my fire blazing and new found information I reached through writing madly on paper with pen last night. I am so pleased to be manic and happy that I have such a blazing fire in my brain today. I try to like myself but I do LOVE my FIRE and my Madness.
BORN THIS WAY-2016