I am nearing a month of being forty and already so many little and not so little changes have occurred.
I lost my beloved unwavering faith as I journey to a truer more meaningful unwavering faith of God and the Holy Trinity and all that is Divine.
I have as a result of my questions of Angels gone back to the Holy Bible I once could not read and I am re-reading it fully and plan to read it in its entirety. I write once again to God everyday praying and pleading for unwavering faith to once again fulfill my soul as I live in the way of the Divine. This is no easy task for a flawed person like myself and I must work ardently daily to get closer to living the Divine way. I have outed myself as a believer of sorts, and ask only that you accept my values and views as mine as I don’t pretend or try to convert anyone wherever they may be on the spectrum of believing and not believing. I ask that you allow me to quote only Einstein, one of the greatest scientist of all time who said, “The more I learn about science, the more I realize their is a God.”
I as I have turned forty have embarked on a personal journey of sorts that has postponed my engagement and preserved the Sanctity that Stephanie and I share. I have mentioned this very little as it is very personal and I don’t want to desecrate anything we have shared or might share in the future.
I have continued to deal with my injuries from my fall in August, and had more appointments, and surgeries discussed, as well as starting physical therapy today on my recently operated knee and I await the call to set up my first thumb appointment with physical therapy.
I have continued my work on the Clinton campaign, with days where my head spins and I am not sure of much, to nights like last night’s third and final Presidential debate where I was enthralled with Secretary Clinton on all levels, and left with excitement as we head into the last 20 plus days before the election.
I have spent a great deal of my time writing in my personal off-line journal about myself and my goals. I am ready to return to school and engage in courses to get me to my next destination academically on my road to my PhD. I am ready to return to campus and pick my classes for the Spring semester. I have missed the classrooms and the students and my professors.
I ran incidentally across an old acquaintance who I haven’t been friends with in a couple of years. Much to my surprise she has changed a lot and her changes have impacted me to a great degree. She once last I knew her, was on the verge of an eating disorder with a very small and petite figure that I thought looked great. I ran across her first on Instagram where I hardly recognized her. She is now probably 160 plus pounds on a tiny frame and has morphed her body into a competitive body builder where she looks very strong, very manly, and very unnatural. I gasped upon seeing her pictures and mourned that beautiful woman that no longer exists. She has eaten at my brain for some reason, and has been a major impetuous for me getting back to the gym. I have no desire to give up my still anorexic frame but I am empowered to workout as I once did over three years ago, and shred my muscles as I can do so easily with the genetics I have been blessed with.
Yesterday, after I got my cast removed from my hand and arm I went to the gym and face planted right there in the middle of the gym. I could barely do the minimum weights on the cables and free weights, and had a major realignment of my cocksure attitude about my body and physical fitness. I have written about yesterday enough, but suffice it to say I went back to the gym for day number two, and with majorly recalibrated goals, I started where I am, swallowed my pride, and completed day two of my workout routine. I was still shaky but not stirred and there were no tears of frustration and sadness. I am where I am, and I don’t want to be pumped, I want my long-lean muscles to be shredded on my tiny frame. My acquaintance did not spur me on to desire to be a bodybuilder what so ever. I have even mourned for her, and her seemingly overweight and manly body that today I am not the least bit attracted to. Obviously we all are attracted to different looks, so if you are a bodybuilder or like that look, that is fine and we have absolutely no problems. It is not my personal aspiration and that is what I am trying to articulate.
I have found since turning forty that I am much more assured of my goals and have a heightened sense of drive to accomplish them as fast as I can and to the best of my ability. A new sense of hyper-focus has bleed into my mind from the #AMPED fire that burns in my brain. I have had the delight of my mind keeping pace with my brain’s fiery pace oddity. This has resulted in my mind keeping up with the propulsion of thoughts from my brain and some off-line writing in my journal that is far better than my average writing.
I am super aware that I have a burning drive inside of me that isn’t better than anyone else but it is of greater intensity and my productivity is a fine example of what I have been able to accomplish from simply entering my fourth decade.
I have an acquaintance that wants badly to compete with me, and I rather think the interaction is not healthy for them for they are not open-minded nor do they see the difference between the two of us. I have never professed to being better than anyone and I don’t feel that way. Since I was born I have been different and that difference seems to be growing as I get older. I think it might be wise to evaluate this interpersonal relationship as I am not keen on comments that are personally hurtful to me and the effort I am putting in everyday to my blogs and everything else I have going on.
This first month of being forty has been nothing short than a new super rollercoaster throwing some serious G-forces.
I look forward to getting my surgeries done, and getting to a new well with my anorexia, as I am right now on day 2 of a new gym workout that is set to last for the next six weeks. I pray as I write in another month about my fourth decade that I am closer to unwavering faith, and I am closer to well with the anorexia, my gym workouts, and the writing I do every day and night begins to keep flourishing for no other reason than I show up, I am committed, and I keep my eyes on the bigger prize of school, and sorting out my personal life.
Life is nothing short of #AMPED and #HECTIC and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
BORN THIS WAY-2016