Back To Life

It is the day after my fortieth birthday.

The moment has settled in, and I have happily accepted my new decade as one of my biggest and most prolific of my life.

Yesterday I awoke at 12:23 am 25 minutes later than I wanted. I wanted to be awake for the clock to strike 12 am on my birthday, and just missed it!

I spent the early maniac’s hours being overcome with Facebook Happy Birthday wishes. I have to admit and it was a surprise that this facet of social media is part of my daily life.

I had a hard day at the doctors. Another surgery needed to break my foot in two places, fix alignment and seal with two pins. This is happening only to be able to operate after on my leg and realign that. In the meanwhile my right hand is casted until the 18th, when I will then have a hard surgery to fuse my thumb. Yes, four surgeries for my one fall. I tried as I may to rise above my feelings and despair, but I really couldn’t do it.

My parents, who took me to my appointment were there and took me out for a birthday lunch and then I went to their house before we all went to Bella’s volleyball game. My best part of my birthday was the unbridled huge hug and kiss from Bella as I entered the gym. It made me smile, warmed my heart, and for a couple of hours I forgot all about me.

Last night was a great celebration with my ex-wife, Bella and some friends. I again received so many thoughtful gifts and gestures. I am truly grateful.

This morning I am at the primary care for my anorexia and pain causing high blood pressure because of the pain. It needs to be addressed.

I am very grateful and feel very positive about this fourth decade and what I have planned and committed to doing myself and with others. Mostly my time and plans with my growing and changing Bella!

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I have returned from the primary care and we have come up with a plan for  my pain management due to my injuries. I am nervous about taking pain pills regularly and so is my family. I need to give some real thought about taking pills daily that are twice as strong. I mean we are re-evaluating this situation in a a month when I should have had my second surgery, on my foot in the next couple of weeks. I see it as both strides gained in that my pain is finally able to be controlled and a setback that I am adding opiates to my daily medication regime. I have very mixed emotions, and I took the first pill and wow I feel so different. Where is  the fire in my brain? It has left, or is masked by the strong medication, and I am not comfortable with it as it is not a feeling I know or I am sure I want to feel.

I am up and trying to wash out the pill from my body as I yearn to feel the fire burning again in my brain. I know it is still there without a doubt, and this numbing feeling is making me a tich phobic.

I will not let this get out of hand and since I am so adverse to anything that is addictive and fear addiction greatly, I really doubt I will take the pain medication as prescribed for it is truly dulling my senses and I have lost my edge for the moment.

I think it should be wearing off and washing out of my body. I am brand new to pain pills, as this injury introduced them to me at half the dose over seven weeks ago. My ex-wife is really stressed out about the pain pills and I mustn’t do anything to make her feel uncomfortable or unsure of things when we both are responsible for co-parenting Bella. I would never risk a thing in regards to her, and oddly enough she got injured today in gym and had to go to the doctors. Thus far the word is a tailbone contusion, a sprained wrist tendon, and they are x-raying her ankle. I don’t know anything really as I was at my own appointment so I am anxious for the phone to ring with the details and the opportunity to talk with her and maybe have her come stay with me since my ex-wife has to work.

Today feels rather surreal and I don’t know whether it is the pain medication or coming down off my birthday, but I feel a bit down and I don’t like it. I see the road in front of me filled with three operations that require invasive procedures as only the  first surgery I already had was straight forward with only a month’s recovery.

I seek my fire of chaos and mayhem, as it is part of me and I don’t feel like me without out its burn in my body or brain. I am so level and controlled, almost flat so to speak, and I really don’t like the feeling. I think if I were to get addicted to anything it would be a stimulant not a depressant. It is not my organic nature and I really am struggling with the feeling at the moment.

I will get through this, and I will write in my journal until I get it figured out. I can’t have the high blood pressure the pain has caused the last seven weeks, or the gnawing pain, but I can’t be so dulled. Maybe half a pill is what I should take? I am carefully watching and thinking intently on what I feel and what is going on as I traverse this new territory I don’t want to be in and believe there is a middle spot I can find that eases my blood pressure which was 191 this morning at the doctor’s office at 8 am. That needs to abate as yesterday it was 177 and has been in between 222 and the 170’s since my smashing fall.

I was relieved to hear that this high of blood pressure only has a 1 percent chance of stroke or heart attack. I have really been worried about my headaches and blurry vision caused by the high blood pressure. I need to monitor my blood pressure over the next bit along with my pain, and send my primary care updates on the patient portal. I see him next week for a wellness exam which seems rather ironic so I will bring him in readings that I take at the local pharmacy next week and continue the discussion I think we need to continue and mutually feel comfortable with.

I really don’t like the way I feel on any level right now after taking one pill. I am tired and slow and I am as you know usually climbing the walls, carrying on multiple conversations in my head and this feeling is antithetical to my being. I feel almost handicapped or delayed. I know my reflexes and my typing are slower as is my voice in my head that is always speaking regardless if only I am listening. I could take an Adderall to combat the effects of that tiny potent pain pill but I refrain from muddling up my virgin system anymore.

I lack imagination, I have lost my livelihood and my zest for projects. I am pushing through the fog but I see no reason how people could like this feeling I equate with death and get so easily hooked. Although I am dragging I could not sleep as they don’t make me drowsy which would at least be a positive if I were to sleep through this a bit. Lying in bed for a couple of hours I started to feel panicky about my dullness and the very fact I was lying in bed! So not my persona or what  I want to feel; I want to feel I don’t want to be numb and braindead.

I have learned a lesson one pill at this strength is too much for my body and needs to be adjusted. I pray for the fire and chaos to invade my being and take over where it left off. Yuck! Gross! Wrong! So not okay to feel so depressed bodily.

I am going to push through this and write my anorexia blog today and hopefully get my SCATTERED blog written too. I don’t think I have written a post there in a couple of days. My mind is made up and I am too uncomfortable with this feeling I am going to take an Adderall and see if it will combat the effects of this tiny white pill. I much prefer the bright pink Adderall pills for sure.

I must do some serious off line writing in my journal today about the path which I am facing. I am so unsure of things and people are speaking at me giving me vastly different input to my situation. I must write offline and find my voice, my voice that has been robbed from me from the opiates I ingested 4 hours ago. The prescription says to take them every six hours and I surely will not be doing that.

I long for me, for Corey to rise from the sludge and get up a with naturally high coupled with  crazy motivation and epic productivity. I feel like others might feel, and this feeling has always scared me. I don’t like it and it doesn’t work for me so I know there will be no problems with dependence or addiction.

I hope theere is more life, more me in my next post, I will swallow that bright pink pill and hope to the God above that I return from this darkness, a darkness I don’t like and one I do not know or ever want to get comfortable with.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016