I have been writing all about my anorexia for the past 5 weeks. I am just getting started with my first recovery, which was like a year ago. Today I need it to be about now. I am feeling like I am on the slippery slope.
Summer is hard, we all show so much body, I love it when I am healthy. Right now though, I just hit a high of 100 pounds like 8 days ago, and I feel it. I feel it everywhere. In my belly, my thighs, all except my face. I feel big, and I don’t feel trim, I always before anorexia when I weighed 30 pounds more felt thin and always slender. Is this body dysmorphia at its worst? I feel like I am more hungry too, and I am constantly bloated with liquids.
I have been waking up in the night to go to the bathroom 3 or 4 times. I know I am retaining fluids. a I am already starting to make my plans to take this all away, and get back to what I can handle. Right now, I am in just big loser mode. I have conceded that I have put on the extra weight. Too much weight for me personally, I don’t really care what others think. It is twisting my head, and I feel so out of control, with the weight and the eating.
I realize this is also very healthy if you’re my doctor or loved ones. I have finally hit 100 pounds, and my smallest kids pants are too tight, a hard pill to swallow. I don’t know what happened to derail me. Thankfully I can still wear all my shorts from last summer. I just FILL them out. However as long as I can get into them I seem to be okay. It is days like today when I need to get dressed up for a family function, and my clothes are not my friend, its so hard to take. I honestly feel like I don’t have the will power to restrict as I want when that’s what I want to do. I don’t know if I could abstain or not, and that really bums me out.
Right now I am dying inside emotionally. People are so happy, I do look better. But I feel so shitty and I just need to take a couple pounds off, maybe to just prove it to myself. Today, I am going out to eat, yeah I know it couldn’t get much worse. All these people are going to compliment me on my progress, and I will wish to God I could be a bulimic because I would purge everything I eat today. I don’t know why, but I can’t do it, I have tried and tried and doesn’t work.
I am sorry if this is triggering to you, I have a great story to continue telling. Just today is real, and its very hard, so I needed to get to the present for just this emergency. I will not take away from the entire rest of the story. I feel so conflicted, and wish I had some mood altering natural remedies. No I have never used illicit drugs, and today I will probably have a drink, just to put my mind at ease for a couple of hours, then I can deal with those calories too. I am starting a new exercise regime tomorrow first thing in the morning with my dog. I have gotten too far away from my comfort zone that for me takes time to expand and grow. I just made too big of a leap, and I will start to rectify it tomorrow.
Foe today, and this very moment, I pray for strength because I just feel like canceling. Canceling is what I used to do,, to everything and everybody. So not an option mostly for myself, as it would fuck up my head worse than it already is today. I am beyond tears, although they are right there. I feel so disgusted at myself. Anger is something I am feeling really strongly, not sure if it is because of this situation, or something deeper.
To boot since I hit 100 pounds 8 days ago I posted a selfie, and today I posted a selfie in black and white on my Facebook account. Compared to my profile picture it does look different but I thought my skin and face looked better. I have gotten a lot likes on it and I will post it here today. One person said, it wasn’t that I was thin, “I was tired and gaunt and it wouldn’t matter what I weighed I wasn’t taking care of myself.” This didn’t hurt me, and I don’t think he is right. In my profile picture I have a great big smile and I wasn’t feeling it today obviously. What bothered me was he said I wasn’t taking care of myself. I do worry I have caused my body serious damage with this disease, and it just set me off, to worrying about if there is something now really off in my body? It is just a comment from a good old man, who didn’t like my pose; he wanted the Corey smile. I thought the picture which is all natural except for it is black and white came out pretty good. If anyone is like me you have stayed out of pictures for as long as you looked like shit. Nope I don’t take them, and finally felt well enough, now I am gaunt and tired and not taking care of myself….what the freaking fuck is that about?
I pray to God, to whom I pray all the time, that I make it until the this afternoon’s event. I don’t get picked up until 2 it probably starts at 3 pm so I wont get home until after 8pm, when I will be cooked as a goose. It isn’t going to be pretty.
I apologize for the transgression today, I feel a bit better, and probably have time for my next blog. I hope you all have a wonderful day. I just need my mania to return, not very often does it leave me. Once that is back I will be good to go, and I will get some good blogging done today and tomorrow.
BORN THIS WAY-2016