Finding Understanding-Digging Deep

After yesterday’s marathon session at rehab, I have a new found understanding for the injuries I sustained in my fall in August.

I have only had one operation, and had a cast removed from my hand, but the gravity of the injuries I sustained have come into new light or perhaps darkness.

I have possibly four operations pending, and the extended duration of the road to well is daunting. I have just started therapy on my knee that had the first surgery, and my thumb that was casted for six weeks.

The possible procedures that lay in front of me are much more involved and invasive and the recovery time is far greater.

I could be looking at surgery into the New Year for a simple fall off my porch steps. I am trying to remain optimistic, but with the delay of the next surgeries, I am losing ground on remaining hopeful. I realize surgery is the last option, but my thumb is not going to get better without it. Sending me to occupational therapy is taking up precious time that I could be using for immediate surgery and recovery.

I am frustrated with my doctors and don’t think the overall outcome is going to be positive for a swift fix of my injuries. I have been patient and I have waited and now it is the end of October and the fall was in August. I worry about the winter and surgery and school and surgery, as I can’t take anymore time off from school and at this rate my surgeries are going well into the New Year.

I have thought about switching Orthopedic offices but I will have to start from scratch. I hope and pray my bunion gets approved and after that my thumb can be fused. That still leaves the minor surgery on my ring finger for a growth that is not part of the injuries, and my main complaint my right knee with a patellar that keeps dislocating.

I just want my body back, as I am looking forward to getting back to the gym, and adding some lean muscle mass. I have been going to the gym, but I am unable to work my lower body, and with my bad thumb my upper body is limited.

I have put my body through so much with my anorexia, and as I crest the mountain I fell so steeply, I am now hung up by these injuries that aren’t being addressed in a timely manner.

I will continue to do what I can at the gym, and I will stay focused on trying to be positive about my other injuries/ I can’t go into the middle of winter with school and impending surgeries.

I will email the doctor today about my bunion and see where my surgery is on my finger with the growth. At least getting those two surgeries done with the hopes of thumb surgery coming next gives me a good start before the winter.

I am frustrated by my doctors and by my body. I know the fall was bad, but it was made worse with the ever present anorexia.

I am trying to really overcome my anorexia, but it appears that every step forward I take I take two steps back.  I am now beginning to question am I a lifer? I never would have thought yes, but time keeps moving and I am still sick. It is very disheartening to me as a person, who has a lot of living left to do.

I just emailed my doctor regarding my bunion. His manner and actions are very unprofessional, and at this point I believe I have to escalate this matter. Not very helpful  for the patient-physician relationship, but I know my rights, and I know proper interaction and this is neither of those two things.

I am just trying to keep from sinking lower than I already am. I have held my head high and nothing is panning out. Especially in a timely manner.

I wake up everyday, a little less optimistic than the day before. I am only one person, and what I have had to carry on my slight shoulders is a big burden especially with this foot doctor.

I have decided that I will call the office today and speak to the higher ups. I am done playing the complacent patient and self-advocacy is warranted on my behalf.

I am going to take a new approach and if this doesn’t get sorted out this week I am scheduling a new appointment with a new Ortho office to handle my complex case appropriately I feel like I did something wrong and that should not be how I feel.

I think I will get myself together and stop this complaining and make something of my day and myself.

Yes, I just read what I have written so far, and it is pathetic as am I. I need to restart my mindset and get into gear, and be strong, and know what I am expecting is appropriate.. I am taking this doctor’s inappropriate behavior and accepting it as my own.

I am going  to make the most of today, and spend the latter part of the afternoon, watching Bella lay for her volleyball championship.

Time to get myself in gear, pull my head out of my ass, and get on with my day. I am still tired so I think a little rest will help rejuvenate myself and position me for a stellar day.

This poor me thing has got to go and I am done with the complaining, and action is definitely in order.

I am grateful for getting this poison out of me, putting it on electronic paper, and moving on as quickly as possible.

I may not be well, but I am no pushover and I will take the high road and road less travelled to get the care I deserve.

I am getting pumped up for the day, I have overcome my poor-me syndrome and I am going for it. I have turned the corner and I am rising from the ashes. Nothing is going to stop me, nor is my head going to get in the way of my goals and my mission I am on to make the most of my so-called life and see my dreams come true!

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016