I am facing a time in my life where changes are inevitable for me and the people in my life. I have been writing about the crossroads of my life where school and the HRT campaign converge. It is that in a nutshell but so much more. The trickle down affect has no way slowed down, and always seems to pick up speed. I am not sure what is bothering me most, well yes I am sure….its my time to be altered from my daughter.
Yes she is growing up, and does a lot more with her friends. That is why I have such a hard time leaving her for a few short months, because the times I really get to see her, are not planned out they are impromptu. Missing anything of Bella’s is very hard on me, I set this expectation as a parent that I wouldn’t miss any part of Bella’s life. Bella is totally supportive I don’t think she wants me to work out of state, however.
On top of my main consideration, Bella, I am left with other hard pressed news. Clinton is coming under hard attack for the email and Libya trouble. It couldn’t come at a worse time politically. The California primary is right around the corner. Is what I am circumventing I don’t want to be on the losing team again? Sometimes I truly question my motives and my intentions. What, I wouldn’t put it out on the line, if HRC didn’t stand a very good chance of being our next President? I ask myself if I am being too hard on myself…..it is only natural to give your all when the circumstances are pointing your way. But I think how hard we worked in 2008, when she was going down the tubes. Nobody thought about jumping ship or leaving the campaign early because she was going to lose to the next President, Obama.
I think of what my life will be like working for the campaign everyday and night. Not a lot of satisfaction, unless it is coming internally which I have professed I don’t feel the same way as I did back in 2008. I think about the ramifications for school, and though I can probably pull it off, it will come at a very high price, and take me off my planned schedule which represents my life. If HRC was a role model, and to a degree she is one, if she were me she would be steadfast in her school work and familial commitments. There is no doubt in my mind, that HRC would not forgo her plans. No this isn’t tit for tat, its me thinking about this in my best interest, from Bella to school to family life, I have a plan all set in motion. The other story it looks like HRC will get the democratic nomination. She has a 50% shot of being the first lady President.
Lots to ponder, and lots to shift through, I just gave myself another stress headache. I am going to give it much more thought, but keeping what would HRC do if she were in my shoes. I am reminded of that Fleetwood Mac song, “Landslide-‘I been afraid about changing, children get older and I am getting older too.”
This is my life on all my fronts, not just Bella, not just me., school, or Stephanie, but the whole package. What do I ultimately want for MY life and how can I best spend the next months working towards that goal?. When it is put in black and white like that, it doesn’t even seem like a decision has to be made.
BORN THIS WAY-2016