Since the day of the election my body has been up to something.
Perhaps sensing the changing times of our nation and being too tired to deal.
I started election day, a day that I had planned running non-stop from dawn to way after dusk, by waking up at 12:30 pm-later than I have ever slept in my life!
I have no idea what happened to my body and mind that refused to sleep the two weeks leading up to election day. My fire in my brain has been burning so out of control I was really just waiting to after the election to enter the hospital.
Then Tuesday came, and I slept and I slept. I awoke to my fire burning more out of control in my head and I tried as I might to get my mind wrapped around it and not let it seep into my veins where my poor body would have to somehow negotiate with the fast burn. It hasn’t changed since I slept in on Tuesday, and I have haven’t slept again in a couple of days.
I am waiting for my body to surrender to this fire and the Mania Madness that has me up all through the night doing, and doing and unable to rest or settle down. I am under a great attack of Mania Madness right now, and I think it is only a matter of time before I enter the hospital again.
It has been since 2014 that I was in the hospital, and fall is my toughest time of year followed by Spring. I am thinking that the campaign and all the extra work I did for it while I still blogged set me over the edge and my one night of sleeping was all I was going to be given so I stretched it out until 12:30 pm. I thought for sure I would break the pattern, but nope come night time, I was up and I stayed up as much as I wanted to sleep.
I think it might be time to go to Boston and see a neurologist again. I am fighting a fire that has been growing in intensity since before my fortieth birthday in October. I managed to deal and process the new fire to a great degree, but the intensity is just continuing to escalate and my thoughts are all on top of each other, and I have no less than 10 conversations I am caring on with myself about just about everything that matters to me even to the slightest degree.
I usually take Adderall to quell the symptoms of my Mania but that has failed me miserably this time around. I have taken the maximum dose for days and there is no let up.
I know the signs of a Mania Madness that needs medical treatment and a couple more days of this and I will definitely be headed to the hospital.
Not what I had planned after sleeping until 12:30 on Tuesday afternoon! I mean never have I slept that long and hard, and I had to force myself to get up and remained off and foggy for most of the day, as I ran to vote in my pajamas and a ski hat and then went to the local campaign to help out. I was certain I had beaten this fire; this fire that burns brighter than me.
I am going to try to stay out of the hospital of course as a matter of pride. I know how ignorant pride is and how unyielding to common sense I appear but going into the hospital has major emotional set backs for me to deal with. I pride myself in managing my Mania Madness and a trip to the hospital just means I failure to me really.
I have been down this road before and I know the drill. The fire always wins unless I stand right in the middle of it, without Adderall and fight the best fight I have in my arsenal.
I know better than to rely on Adderall as it will not save me from Mania Madness and the associated fire in my body that doesn’t allow me to rest or sleep. I could put the time to good use and probably write the rest of my anorexia story.
I need a goal to accomplish something if I am going to try to win this sordid game I am foolishly set to play. Mania Madness is utterly the most powerful entity I have ever encountered as there is not a person alive that I can’t handle unlike this disease. I have a new coffee and I think I will just commit to writing the rest of my anorexia story as a minor achievement to quell the fires that burn without any sign of rest or quitting.
At some point I will be without the Mania Madness again. How I get there and how long it takes are two very different questions. I thought I had one part answered with the power sleep I had on Tuesday.
Apparently, my body is in fight mode, and crashed in self preservation mode for half a day to keep continuing on with the Mania Madness.
Now the fire roars without hesitation, and I am going to stay up tonight and fight the Mania Madness with the best medicine I have-writing my blogs.
I know I have so much to write about and a lot of time to wear out this fire that has taken hold of me and personally upended me.
I will not concede. Heading to get coffee and get back to writing. I am anxious to see what type of writing I get done and conjure up while influenced by Mania Madness. Lest this be a lesson of wills, I will not succumb to this fire but own it as mine and learn how to use its power to benefit me and my writing.
Forward motion to coffee and back to writing. Anyone up for a late chat give me a shut out. I am here!
BORN THIS WAY-2016